Thursday, July 26, 2007

UK’s most evil man named

Herbert Billingsworth of Wakefield, West Yorkshire, has been named as the UK’s most evil man and the country’s entrant into the ‘Evil Eight’ competition. The competition aims to identify a modern ‘Hall of shame’ for the most diabolical people in history and is the brainchild of controversial behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth (no relation).

"I was inspired by the New Seven Wonders campaign and decided that we needed to update the traditional Rogue’s Gallery," explained Professor Billingsworth. "We need to get rid of the Genghis Khans and King Herods and bring the whole directory of evil up to date."

People across the UK cast their votes via phone, text and over the Internet and Herbert Billingsworth was announced the surprise winner, ahead of early favourites such as Fred West, Dr Harold Shipman and Richard Branson.

Mr Billingsworth spent most of the competition languishing near the bottom of the poll despite his history of owning a string of Mitsubishi Shogun 4x4 vehicles and leaving his TV on ‘standby’ overnight. Even the revelation that he had been fined for smoking in a public place only raised him to fifth position. However it was the public outcry surrounding the tabloid pictures of Billingsworth purchasing a patio heater that secured his victory as the UK’s Most Evil Man.

Mr Billingsworth will now go into a Europe wide play-off to be the continent’s contender into the worldwide ‘Evil Eight’ competition, the winner of which will be announced on the 8th August 2008.

Herbert said he was not worried about facing the best that Europe could offer and was indeed looking forward to the challenge.

"Well as far as I am aware Hitler never owned a patio heater and whilst Stalin hated evening drinks in the cold of Siberia, the Moskvitch 410 4x4 only had a 35 horse power engine," he said.

When asked how he would fair when competing with the less middle class crimes of mass murder and torture, Mr Billingsworth remained confident.

"I spent 25 years as a lorry driver. You don’t think all those off-cuts of carpets I bought were to redo the study do you?" he said with a smile. "I will take the judges to a few roadside ditches I know."

1 comment:

Jezza said...

Lorry drivers do a lot of work.

Change gear,
Change gear,
Murder a prostitute,
Change gear,
Eat chocolate,
Murder.

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