Friday, June 29, 2007

Tony Blair is new peace envoy to Big Brother House

In a surprise move, Channel 4 has introduced former Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife Cherie as the latest occupants of the Big Brother house. Mr Blair’s sponsors have backed the move confirmed a spokesman for the quartet of the UN, EU, USA and Russia.

"The level of conflict within the house has been escalating to a point where only someone who has had the successes of Mr Blair can hope to bring a sense of normality," said Kurt Billingsworthski of the quartet referring to the Northern Ireland peace process.

"Let me be clear, this task will require a huge intensity of focus and work," said Mr Blair as he entered the house on Friday night as a replacement for evictee Billi Bhati.

Mr Blair got straight down to the task, when at 1am he was asked if people with short or long hair should have priority with the limited hair styling resources, he calmed the housemates instantly with a small speech delivered through the toilet door. "Look, we need to bring people together. People who have spent a great deal of time consumed by hatred and fuelled by complete conviction in their right to the use of hair straighteners," was his muffled reply.

Charley Uchea, one of the leading protagonists in the ongoing disputes within the house complained to Big Brother in the diary room. "A married man, Big Brother? I am being honest here and I think he is totally fake and two-faced. Who does he think he is, former Prime Minister and world statesman, so what? I have met Gary Neville, so Blair doesn’t impress me!" she ranted. "I’m not being funny though, whilst he did a good job in the immediate aftermath of 11th September - rallying the international community and preventing the inevitable reactionary response being seen as the US versus the World - he painted himself into a corner with the war in Iraq since his success was dependent on the obvious lack of planning that goes with most US overseas endeavours," she added.

Cherie Blair, who joined the house at the same time as her husband commented that whilst the house was very different to her previous residence at Number 10 Downing Street there were some similarities.

"Over the last 10 years I became used to living at other people’s expense. Before being evicted," said Mrs Blair, "I am now looking forward to 10 weeks living off Channel 4."

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