Saturday, March 31, 2007

Government plans replacement Emergency services

As summer approaches and the nation’s hopes are filled with an expectation of another hot, glorious summer, the Government is enacting a series of measures to fulfil gaps in the emergency services.

“If we get a really long summer, like the last couple of years, then we can expect an increase in strike action,” said John Billingsworth, Assistant Under Secretary for Contingency Planning within the Home Office. “We are, obviously, especially worried about the Fire Service.”

It is expected that thousands of public sector workers will find reason to strike, or perhaps fall ill, during the good summer months which risks leaving the country dangerously exposed.

“Above all else we want to re-assure the public that we can get everything in hand, as we are sure that will be a relief to all.” commented the Assistant Under Secretary. “For that reason we are turning to the expertise of the stripping community.”

Traditionally the army has stepped in to fill the roles of any striking or overstretched service but, as they themselves are already fully committed overseas, the plan is to use exotic dancers already versed in the roles of Firemen, Nurses and Police Officers.

“Firemen spend most of their time sitting around watching porn or perhaps playing snooker. Therefore we can easily replace them with strippers who already have the uniforms, and look better in them,“ explained Mr. Billingsworth. “Whilst nurses fulfil an important role of care, we feel the substitutes in shorter, low cut, dresses will provide an adequate short term relief.”

Initial research suggests that this summer could see the Police having a more feminine face given the disparity in number between male and female stripping police officer acts.

“This, I am sure, will have many benefits and may lead to an actual reduction in crime. Although if there is a large breakdown in public order we are not sure of the effectiveness of whipped cream in crowd control.”

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