Government created religious consensus spawns new peace group

"It is another wonderful achievement for New Labour," claimed Ruth Kelly, Communities Secretary. "We have managed to achieve what many people have thought impossible, a genuine consensus across all faiths. It is an historic milestone"

Ms Kelly was speaking after the Church of England backed the Catholic Church in its desire to continue discrimination against gay people in response to new legislation banning the withholding of services based on sexual orientation.

"Isn't it wonderful? We also know that Muslim groups don't want to have to print leaflets or let facilities to people who are good with colours either."

The gay community, whilst wanting to do all the things heterosexual people do but without having arguments over the position of the toilet seat, announced it had plans to capitalise on this unique position and launch a new role as peace broker throughout the world.

"Essentially, no matter whether they are black, white, Christian, Muslim or Jew - a lot of people seem to have it in for us, " explained Peter Billingsworth of Stonewall. "Not in a good way either."

Gay associations are offering to mediate in domestic and international disputes with a new voluntary group of "Common Enemies". In areas of conflict the new teams will arrive in the area in a fleet of pink Volkswagen camper vans bearing the trademark rainbow flags. They will set up camp bases between the conflicting factions.

The idea is that once the militias have focussed their hate on the newly "out" gay community a longer term dialogue can begin, moving from the starting point of spite filled scripture and aiming towards true reconciliation. One of the first areas to be offered the new "Common Enemies" service is the middle east - a flashpoint of Muslim, Jewish and Christian hatred.

"We think we can unite these communities pretty quickly," said a volunteer who wished to remain nameless. "It will probably take only one Gay Pride march. We hope we don't have to resort to using local costumes with the arse cut out, but we hold that in reserve if we have to."