Tories return to Victorian values

The Conservative Party is preparing for a new year annoucement giving details of its Victorian Values based ideology should it win the next General Election.

Centrepiece of the proposals will be the re-introduction of workhouses into the nation's inner cities. "Entrance to this elite employment programme," said Tory leader, David Cameron, "will not just be upon declaring bankruptcy, they will accept recommendations from any loan company currently advertising on ABC1".

"Workhouses are not the only area where Tories will lower regulation and costs for the British employer, " explained Mr Cameron, "and whilst cleaning chimneys is a somewhat dying trade, we believe there is still plenty of discarded coal to be found in the mudflats of our nation's mighty rivers for Primary School children to collect."

On crime the Tories will take their porposals further. "ASBOs will be replaced with a more traditional punishment for anti-social behaviour. So called 'chavs' will be forceably required to retire to a nationwide network of purposely constructed 'Drawing Rooms' to do the honourable thing."
The Conservative Party has yet to disclose their policies towards Health and Defence, although it is widely expected that the money saved by abolishing the National Health Service will be used to fund the inevitable military campaigns that come with reformation of the British Empire.

Whilst there have been recent changes made to Britain's parliamentary system the Tories plan further reforms such as the removal of women's right to vote. "Our proposals will also bring to an end any accusations of cash for peerages." said Mr Cameron, "Peerages will be awarded upon retirement from military service only."

The inner workings of the Conservative Party will be modernised to bring them up to the Victorian age. Leaders will be notified of a challenge from a rival by receiving four white feathers. Indeed Michael Howard, David Cameron's predecessor as Conservative leader, is now a Colour-Seargent in the French Foreign Legion. In a letter home he recently revealed he joined up "To forget my time as a Conservative."