Football World Alarmed That Next England Manager Will Speak English

Panic has set in the Premier League with players and managers seeking intensive English lessons from language tutors following the summer announcement that the next England manager will speak English.

“It’s calmed down, the media storm, now that the first euro-qualifier is ‘belted under’ as he would say. The Manager,” said a leading commentator. “But they’ve gone on with their lessons. The players. For when he fails and he replaces him. Capello.”

Despite some initial coyness about the nature of their training a few of the leading players wanted to emphasise that a place in the England squad was important to them.

“At my age I know it’s going to be difficult for me but I have every intention of earning my place in the dugout,” said David Beckham speaking to BBC 5 live. “But I have never had to learn a language before and now I do."

There are concerns among players and staff who are worried that learning English may result in a generation of players unable to communicate with their fans.

“I am sick as parrot,” exclaimed Harry Redknapp blowing the whistle on the FA. "Why us!! When they (the FA) don't speak English too good or nothin’"

“The moon, she is under me,” cheered Professor Guido Billingsworthski from the Oxford Linguistic Studies College, situated above the Bentley dealership, who was delighted to have been engaged by several players. “I am here to help every peoples turn the new leaf,” he explained. “It’s a simple case of crossing the I's and dotting the T's".

Peter Crouch is the first player to turn to the Billingsworthski academy following the recent confusion over his attempts to acquire some gardening equipment.

“I got home late and realised that I need to turn over some sod in the garden,” said Crouch. “That was why I went to get a Hoe. In Madrid,” he explained. “So I don’t want that to happen again, because I have to get Four Candles next week. From a Thai brothel.”

England captain Stephen Gerrard has leapt in support of beleaguered manager Fabio Capello by insisting that there has been no communication breakdown and the squad is fully committed to the nation.

“I want him to stay,” insisted Gerrard. “We fully understand that If we stand still we will end up being backward”.

From our English-as-a-second-language reporter Shivriano