Saturday, September 11, 2010

Pasta At Centre Of Quorn Burning Outcry Agrees To Suspend Event

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Gainesville, Florida in the USA has said that it has temporarily suspended plans for a mass Quorn burning event in a dispute over the site of the new meat free Zero Ground Meat Kiosk being built on Manhatten Island.

“Quorn is a deviation from the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s teachings, may His balls always be meaty,” commented Grand High Priest of Pasta Akhenaten Billingsworth. “If American vegetarians wish to eat a replacement for meat it is clear that Pasta is the only substitute.”

The subject of Quorn has been controversial in the US over fears that followers of a Quorn based diet exhibit allergic reactions, with women being forced to cover themselves from head-to-toe in black sheets and some on extremist Quorn diets being driven to violence.

“His Sauciness has made it clear that flour and water are sacred,” said Billingsworth. “It is an affront to build their Zero Ground Meat Kiosk so close to Little Italy.”

Little Italy has gained almost sacred status in American culture having seen the murders of many spaghetti eaters. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is adamant that the celebration of other vegetarian dishes in the area would be seen as a triumphalist move from those that have taken against the Pasta way of life.

“It is just un-pastafarian to build that Kiosk there and we want to peacefully draw the world’s attention to its proximity to Little Italy,” said Billingsworth. “We will do this by burning a tonne of Quorn over fifteen hundred miles away,”

Across the world the Quorn burning plan has been condemned by religious and political leaders fearful that it will insight Quorn followers to retaliate, perhaps violently.

“People should be free to follow whatever diet they want. There is no need to ruin anyone’s Barbecue,” said former US Messiah Barack Obama. “Barbecues are what this country stands for. Who cares what is actually under half a pound of melted processed cheese anyway?”

As America braces itself for a day that may end in conflagration, the Pasta at the centre of the controversy is prepared to suspend the burning as part of ongoing talks over the future of the Zero Ground Meat Kiosk.

“The Flying Spaghetti Monster, may His balls always be meaty, would not wish me to cause offence and so the burning will be delayed,” said Billingsworth. “At least until after Thursday’s Shit on the Koran, Bible and Talmud Day,”


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Absolute masterpiece!

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