Thousands of people are marching through the streets of Dublin asking why after 37 years of handouts the government has decided that this year is the time to reign in spending.
“What’s the craic with all this talk of balancing the books, and spending only what we earn?” asked Patrick O’Billingsworth. “We have been getting a couple of billion a year from the EU all my life – what is so different now?”
Many protestors see the current situation as just an extension of three decades of Dublin policy by begging for a few extra billion Euro.
“Looks like our number’s are finally up, on the Eurobillions draw! Ah, to be sure, we’re the loveable Irish so everyone is happy to pay for us,” said O’Billingsworth. “If they know what is good for them.”
Despite the so-called “Celtic Tiger” boom being brought to an abrupt halt when Ronan Keating announced he was moving to Dubai. The government in Dublin was only forced into action after years of running huge deficits by the realisation that Terry Wogan really has retired.
“Ireland here is the victim, always, now what was the question?” explained Taoiseach Brian Cowen. “The people of Ireland have to understand that an economy based upon dancing without moving your arms is unsustainable. Now, give us your focking money!”
However it is felt by most that the Irish gravy train has finally hit the buffers and that it is up to the people of Ireland themselves to resolve the current crisis.
“Perhaps we Irish do need to live within our means. I am proud to have been born in Ireland and it is still the greatest place to live in the world,” said O’Billingsworth, from his regular stool in a Liverpool pub. “I’d live there myself if I wasn’t a victim of something or other. Can you lend us a couple of quid for another Guinness? Give us your focking money!”
It is to the millions of Irish patriots that have lived all their lives in the UK and America that the country may now turn to restart it’s failing economy.
“Tourism is one answer, since everyone loves the Irish. Don’t you! We are the victims here, remember,” said Mr Cowen TD. “We have a promotional campaign at foreign international airports offering Dublin for a fiver. You can own the city of Cork for another Euro if you bring your family.”
The current Irish government is under increasing pressure after having its majority reduced in the Dail to two, following the loss of the Donegal SW constituency to Sinn Fein.
“This is a clear statement that Ireland’s economy is looking to Sinn Fein for financial expertise,” said a masked activist at the count. “We will raise the revenue required by being able to draw on latent reserves in kidnapping, extortion and world-class knee-capping.”
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