Sunday, March 29, 2009

MPs to be provided list of porn films they can claim for on expenses

An urgent review is being undertaken into the process for MPs expenses following the news that the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, claimed reimbursement for "Additional Features" on her Virgin Media bill that are a euphemism for adult movies.

"What could be worse for a feminist Labour politician than to be caught claiming expenses for blue movies?" said a party insider. "One of them is believed to be a video of Mrs Thatcher’s party conference speech of 1980."

With the ongoing furore over expenses becoming ever more ardent, Ms Smith is said to feel great relief from fellow cabinet members coming to hand and pledging to stand firm with her.

"I, like my fellow MPs, don’t know which pornography we can claim for and which we cannot," said Foreign Secretary David Miliband

"This is why we are having a review. The system needs to be more transparent so that we know what the taxpayer will pay on behalf of their upstanding members."

Friends say that Ms Smith was livid and that her husband - who was alone at the family home that she claims as her second home at the time that the films were viewed - had been given a really hard time after he came clean. They say she has no plans to give him a hard time at home in future and thus the cable TV subscription provides a firm business need.

"It was a genuine mistake, I thought I was signing a legal declaration for claiming legitimate expenses: such as my very nice new kitchen sink, my lovely new fireplace, some splendid coal to burn in it and my Internet connection," said Ms Smith. "You can get all sorts of high quality pornography through that for free."

Friends say that Ms Smith is still the head of her second home that she shares with her family, as opposed to her first home which she shares with her sister.

"When it comes to who wears the trousers, Jacqui is adamant it is her, since they are less frequently found around her ankles," said a close family friend. "She is very upset as not only did she not see the adult movies in question the public still think of her as a wanker over her expenses claims."

The Ombudsman is said to be investigating in detail all MPs’ itemised expenses claims and in particular the large expenditure on tissues.

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