Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Scottish Customer’s £400bn overdraft shock

A soon-to-be-unemployed man from Westminster was said to be laughing hysterically when his bank statement showed him to be over £400bn overdrawn.

"I tell you I am loving this," said Alistair Darling a Don’t-Care worker who hails from Edinburgh. "I have never seen numbers of this size before, have you? It is great – just look at all those digits!"

Mr Darling said that the amount was not in fact an administrative error by his bank and, despite its alarming size, the overdraft "looked about right".

"Well, I don’t keep to close a watch on such things. Who does? It is the Christmas season after all," he said in between giggling fits. "However I do remember some really fantastic transfers of truly spectacular amounts from schools or hospitals or something to some nice gentlemen who drink in the Carlton Club."

Experts from Ocean Finance have contacted Mr Darling to see if he has considered consolidating all of his debts into a single – "frankly humungous" – payment. However Mr Darling felt that did not fit in with his lifestyle.

"Frankly I am not planning on paying it back, the taxpayer has just watched me piss that up the wall! I got a good slap-up meal and a round of ‘He’s a jolly good fellow’ out of it, and that is good enough for all of us," he said. "If the taxpayer is worried about the future and the prospect of job losses, he can rest easy since I am bound to get a big fat directorship of a large bank when I am, inevitably, kicked out of office."

A spokesman for the banking industry tried to distance himself from the Chancellor’s comments insisting that his bank would not be offering anything to former UK government ministers.

"If Mr Darling thinks that his profligacy and vast ‘corporate welfare’ handouts will ensure that he is looked on favourably in our boardroom, he has another think coming," explained John Varley in an interview with the BBC. "Mainly because we at Barclays Bank have been nationalised by a load of Arabs."

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