Surreal Scoop

George Lucas has announced that he has sold the Star Wars franchise to theatrical heritage authority Disney in a move to guarantee the future of Star Wars merchandising for another generation. “I think it is time I handed over the baton.  After 35 years, I really cannot think of anything else to stick Darth Vader’s image on,” said the mad revisionist as he signed the Star Wars ‘May the Courts be with you’ branded stationery of the contract using his LightSaber pen.  Senior First Executive Principle Vice President, Walter D. Billingsworth IV who followed Mr Lucas in signing the contract on behalf of Disney said that there was a lot of pent-up demand for further adventures in the Star Wars extended universe. “We have definite plans for the next movie in 2015 which will focus on the Ewoks who have to free their sacred talking candlestick from the Sheriff of Nottingham,” said Billingsworth.  “We think die-hard fans and newcomers alike will enjoy our re-interpretation o...

Surreal Scoop, in common with the excellent journalists at the country’s finest newspapers, and the Daily Mail, would like to express our sincere disgust that - despite 40 years of turning a blind-eye and a failure to investigate these terrible rumours that apparently everyone knew about - we can now safely pin the blame on a BBC employee who took an editorial decision several months after Jimmy Savile’s death. It is sickening to think of the depraved acts inflicted upon the innocent, and sometimes mentally impaired, members of the press who had to fend off inappropriate moves from the bejewelled paedo as we celebrated:- Jimmy Savile hard at it, up all night. As a porter in Leeds Hospital Jimmy Savile puffing and panting his way through numerous charity marathon runs Jimmy Savile down on his knees to receive his OBE, and his Knighthood Instead, we can now reveal after only forty years of not following rumours that Jimmy Savile was:- a serial paedophile a powerful media mog...

Scotland's new King in waiting, Alex of Salmond, today refuted claims that he is making up policy on the spot. He also denied that he was making a desperate bid to secure his coronation before grown-up Scots sober up and realise life probably isn't all England's fault after all and hastily reverse their plan to allow children to vote. “I have been entirely clear and consistent when I said all along that Scotland would be an independent nation in Europe and use the Euro as its currency,” said King Alex from what will one day be his palace in Holyrood. “Sterling is a fully convertible currency and hence I can convert my plan from the Euro by just saying it differently.” Alex “King” Salmond said that perhaps any confusion had arisen by journalists who might have used Siri and its triumph with regards to understanding the Scots . “I think you'll agree that Scotland is as close to Europe as Scandinavia and since Vikings came over to Britain many years ago I can convert our e...

Fiona, the world’s fastest Agony Aunt is here for you! With the help of her team of counsellors and sex therapists she’ll answer sexual, relationship, emotional and family problems for all ages. Dear Fi, I am a middle-aged family man with a secret. For many years now I have been secretly cross-dressing in women’s clothes. I have a small collection of dresses and shoes which I sneak onto business trips etc so that, when alone in my hotel room, I can dress as I feel I should and I can be myself. However despite society being so much more tolerant and liberal I can’t yet face going out in public. First of all though I need your guidance as to how I can tell my wife and two darling children. Yours, Martin, Norwich Dearest Martin, Most of us put on a performance to convince the rest of the world of something that, deep down inside, we know isn’t true and your transvestism is just another case. Take Red Bull Racing, for example. Whilst they may pretend that they are in fact an Austrian F1 te...

European football’s governing body has upheld the Football Association’s request to allow Wayne Rooney to be violent against players from host nation Ukraine by reducing his international suspension from three games to two, meaning he could return to international thuggery for the final group game in this summer's European Championships. “After due deliberation and taking into account Wayne’s previous record as a foul-mouthed, violent cheat in both domestic and international competitions, we have determined that the three match ban was too harsh,” said Michel Billingstini of UEFA. “It would have deprived fans in the Ukraine of that true spectacle of English football - watching Wayne stamp on their heroes’ faces.” Many football pundits had pressed for a reduction in the sentence meted out to Rooney following his violence against Miodrag Dzudovic from Montenegro citing his previous disciplinary record and precedents of previous UEFA rulings. “Wayne has been cheating at the highest le...

Boffins at Apple's Cupertino headquarters in California are today said to be overjoyed at the news that the company's latest offering, the iPhone 4S, has managed to respond to human interaction in a manner that users are finding indistinguishable from the response of a real person. “Apparently our Siri users in Scotland have found that the iPhone 4S has absolutely no idea what they are saying,” an acolyte from Apple Core gestured through a ‘multi-touch’ interpreter . “This is exactly the response any real human would have when trying to interact with a Scotsman.” The voice operation software in the new 4S has been found to reply only with confusion and bewilderment at suggestions from north of the border. This silicon confusion is the same that any of us would have when confronted by a Scottish user who wants to know the time, what the weather is going to be like or where the lowest priced can of Tennent's Super can be found within staggering distance. And whether the phon...

As Britain continues to bask in its typical balmy autumnal weather, thousands of immigrants from Spain, the south of France and Portugal are heading to the UK for the lifestyle and the weather. “After Geraldo sold his business we left came to Britain, mainly for the weather really,” said Maria Billingso through an interpreter. “Obviously Spain is finished as a country now anyway, so we came to Torbay where the quality of life is so much better. Although you can't get a decent paella and the locals are quite lazy.” Maria Billingso is one of the increasing number of ex-pats from Spain and other countries who have come to Britain for retirement. Spanish communities in many tourist hotspots are rapidly growing, although there are complaints regarding a lack of integration between the newcomers and their adopted communities . “They come over here, they don't learn the language, walking around in their ‘Bandera de Espana’ shorts and calling everyone Dave,” said Dave, a pub landlord. ...

As the investigation into the circumstances surrounding the relationship between Adam Werrity and Dr Liam Fox continues, each new revelation hints that there might be someone who is comfortable to be around Liam Fox without being paid to do so. “I find that idea completely amazing, have you met Dr Fox?” asked Julian Billingsworth, who has been part of the Defence Secretary’s Woodspring constituency team for the past 20 years. “If I wasn’t getting a bung I wouldn’t want to be near the man.” Government ministers and civil servants alike have rushed forward to defend Dr Fox from accusations that his friend Adam Werrity was not paid by either the Conservative Party or a government department. “If Werrity wasn’t paid, then he must have been accompanying Fox to that meeting in Dubai out of friendship. You have to admire Werrity because, Jesus Christ, that’s a seven hour flight,” said Billingsworth. “I can only tolerate a cab ride to our constituency office with him because I know he is payin...

Political and economic analysts have indicated a further decline in American power and influence with the discontinuation of the original, iconic, right-wing nut-job, the Palin 1.0 “I think that many people around the world that might take their lead from American lunacy will see the future as one of continued decline,” said Armin Billingsworth. “The ending of the Palin 1.0’s Presidential ambitions means that America is losing key skills in irrational swivel-eyed madness.” It would now appear that hopes of an increase in US nut-job production with the much anticipated release of the Palin 2.0 have been dashed as the model finally shipped to users turned out to mostly repackaging of the older model. The heralded feature of greater voice control turned out to actually be more gaffe-prone than ever and early adopters have reported flaws in its memory and handling of history. The prototype Palin 2.5 – codenamed the Wanking Witch - is still considered too unstable for mass consumption. “Wel...

As aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Colonel Gaddafi , continues to urge his last remaining supporters to murder fellow Libyans senior politicians, and Louise Mensch , are adding the impending success of Libya’s murderous rebel regime to a growing catalogue of achievements of the British Prime Minister, David Cameron:- The signing of the Magna Carta – The single act that for the first time enshrined that no one, no man, baron, not even the king, was above the law of the land was actually a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron’s listening exercise throughout the middle ages. MPs retain their exemption to this day. Modelling of DNA – While historians are keen to emphasise the foundational research of Rosalind Franklin leading to the famous Crick-Watson double-helix model, it is now clear that the collaborative efforts were a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron efforts to generate a “Big Soc” research team, 13 years before he was born. First footsteps on the moon – th...

In a controversial interview, constitutional historian David Starkey has provoked outrage by claiming that the recent riots were not in fact protests but where a result of the oppression and ostracising of white scholarly historians from mainstream culture. “We were showing authority that we can do whatever we like. If we want to write hefty tomes after studying the Wives of Henry VIII then we will,” said Starkey yesterday. “These riots will keep happening until the government does something for us, say by increasing research funding into Tudor history.” Mr Starkey was speaking during an interview in which he defended the mass looting and lawlessness that appears to have been perpetrated by groups of masked historians and economists as they smashed the windows of Waterstones, Foyles and antiques shops everywhere. “It was terrible, they just charged in and took everything I had on Queen Elizabeth I, everything was gone,” said a specialist bookshop owner in Eltham. “They screame...

A new era has finally dawned, we are now living the “Star Trek” future were there is no need for money, people just enjoy their hobbies and food appears out of nowhere. These are the findings of a weeklong study from groups of field researchers taking in England’s most significant cities . And Manchester. “Money is now a thing of the past,” said behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth . “Everything is available on-demand and money serves now only to be received, not spent. For example I received £25 for these trainers that I demanded from a terrified man in Ealing.” The researchers found that 2011 had seen the realisation of a future previously only imagined by science-fiction writers such as Gene Roddenberry or H.G. Wells. Now at last are huge tracts of society that find no need for money and spend time pursuing knowledge – such as Stellar Cartography , expressing themselves creatively – such as writing plays exploring the human condition, or getting bonged out of...

As scum across the country woke up to see that it wasn’t all a dream and that they did indeed have the newest brightest orange trainers and boxes of the latest smartphones, they all said that this was a clear act of solidarity with whatisface, you know the bloke with the gun, or cab or something from London wasn’t it? “I have to make a stand. It has gone on for too long, this outrage of me not having a 3D TV. So I took the half-brick of justice, and I smashed the windows of the oppressing power of the British Heart Foundation shop in Ealing. I thought yeah, that will teach you people to give up your time and possessions in the hope of making people’s lives better. That shop is a fucking disgrace,” said one masked looter. “All the telly’s and that was old and they didn’t even have a BluRay player. Er. BluRay player Of justice, for you know, him who got shot was it? Yes! Someone has got the tracksuits from JD. The Tracksuits of Freedom I mean.” Many of the so-called rioters are pro...

Americans are today coming to terms with expert economists’ declaration that their economy and way of life is under pressure. This will come as a shock to the average man on the rubble strewn streets of Detroit rummaging for food in the bins of houses being sold for $100. “Previously we had the United States rated as ‘Never, Ever, Going to Default’ but after a late night meeting at Harry’s Bar we have taken the drastic step of downgrading,” said Ben Billingsworth, 12, Lead Analyst at Standard & Poor. “Now we classify the US as ‘Never Going to Default’.” The new assessment indicates that the US, which has hitherto been considered to have a 0% chance of defaulting, will in future have that risk raised by 100% to zero percent. The new rating was revealed in a press-release from S&P’s New York office entitled ‘We Are Not Moody’s Bitch.” “We all knew that the government was going to be able to sort out the debt ceiling and they did that with no direct revenue increases,” said Billin...

As further allegations, smears, slurs, lies, truths, and lies about truths spread rapidly around the world in the wake of the phone-hacking scandal, the nation is struggling to come to terms with the fact that its suspicions that many of the people involved are actually quite awful has been confirmed. The latest allegations centre on scurrilous suspicions that Piers Morgan may at one time have actually been a newspaper editor. “I’d always thought that Piers Morgan, you know him off the song contest show , was a bit awful. Turns out he actually is,” said normal person Gerald Billingsworth. “But he might not know that he hacked a mobile phone, after all he was adamant that obviously staged photos were real images of torture.” Mr Billingsworth was referring to Piers Morgan’s awful tenure at the Daily Mirror. In 2004 he made concerted efforts to fuel hatred of British forces in Iraq by insisting that the spotlessly clean trucks and T-shirts in the scenes were not obvious indicators that ph...

A recent survey of 100,000 web users has found that Internet Explorer users tend to have the lowest IQs of the online community while those using seemingly any alternative, such as Chrome or Firefox are smarter, and no doubt sexier. “I knew it, I knew it! All along, persevering with Firefox’s long load times and non-standard standards compliant behaviour was the way to go,” claimed technology commentator Mr Bloggy . “Suffering frustration, lost hours with all those broken websites and the breakdown of a relationship was genius after all. Stick that Sandra. Bitch.” The study found that those who simply used the market leading browser that came with their PC, and consequently most websites are designed to work with as a matter of course, were in fact idiots all along. It was in many ways fortunate that these users had the easiest web surfing experience of all given their low average IQ of 80. “Whereas those users that used something obscure such as Camino, or trendy such as Safari, obvio...

The world is continuing its mourning after the assassination of humanitarian leader General Abdel Fattah Younes, a long time practitioner of the teachings of Mahatma Ghandi and the leader of the non-violent Libyan protest movement shaped in his image. Obituaries of the long-time Gaddafi supporter are now flowing in, filled with tales of power, corruption, doctrinal-fuelled murder and car trouble. “From the first day of supporting Gaddafi in the coup, through 40 years of supporting Gaddafi to training elite death squads, General Younes was always such a peace-loving man, so committed to love, to relieving suffering and to justice and freedom,” Abdul Bilinfworthdi, the so-called 'Butcher of Benghazi'. “He was just plagued by a series of unreliable second-hand cars.” Minutes of Libyan cabinet meetings throughout the second half of the twentieth century reveal a litany of late attendance or missed conferences being blamed on problems with his old second-hand cars. “I remember once,...

The leading fashion houses of Milan, Paris and London are gearing up to tell women how to express their individuality by looking the same as each other. Unlike previous years experts believe [insert year as variable to save re-writing every 12 months] is going to lead to some ground-breaking fashion statements on the High Street. “Oh darling, yes, it will be marvellous, so new, fresh, refreshing and so, so new,” squealed fashionista Saaraaa Bylingzwerthe. “There will be skirts you know, that will be a little bit shorter, or longer, than last year. Oh darling, how outrageous!” Indeed magazine editors are already poring over the latest sketches of skirts to determine what the new thing in skirts is going to be, a general consensus is that it will continue to be like a single very wide trouser that you can put both legs down. “But it will definitely be shorter, if it isn’t longer than last year,” said Ms Bylingzwef. “Although, radically, they could be kept the same length. How scandalous!...

The news of the existence of an indestructible computer system has prompted software giant Microsoft to look to include the TDL bot-net into future versions of Windows as both a time-saving feature for users, but also as a key software distribution platform. “Basically this bot-net never crashes and has great security,” said Microsoft executive Steve Billingsworth. “So it is already years ahead of Windows.” The bot-net apparently contains advanced levels of encryption preventing investigators snooping on the traffic between computers upon which it is installed. This contrasts with Microsoft’s Internet Explorer that is surely only one patch away from automatically detailing your credit card details in a full page advert in The Times. “We are also quite impressed with the ease with which the TDL software can install itself on a computer, silently and with such a small footprint,” said Billingsworth. “No one at Microsoft can understand how they managed to achieve that without at least fou...

Analysts in the US said that the country was clearly heading on the road to recovering from its $14 trillion deficit with the release of the Palin 2.0 – code-named Michele Bachmann – to the delight of right-wing Tea-Bag party supporters. “The US leads the world in the development of delusional female politicians,” commented Kurt Billingsworthski a notable Tea-bagger. “Oh yes, and U. S. A - U. S. A. - U. S. A” The upgrades to the Palin range that have been incorporated into the Michele Bachmann are aimed at addressing the obvious security flaws with the original Palin 1.0. For example the Palin 2.0 default location has been moved several thousand miles away from being able to see Russia to avoid confusion with foreign policy expertise. Most importantly version 2.0 extends the core Palin 1.0 functionality of being in regular communication with a Sky Wizard . “With the Palin 1.0 there was the regular friend requests from God,” said Billingsworthski. “The new model has taken that into the ...