Surreal Scoop

As the campaigning continues for the AV referendum, here is a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to where each of the major parties, and the Liberal Democrats, stand. The Conservatives The Conservatives feel that the current system is transparent, open and retains a direct link between an MP and his constituency duck house. The current system, whereby MPs can be elected with only 35% of the vote, supports a party so dismally nasty that they couldn’t win an outright majority over a Labour Party led by a man that had spent the previous 18 months being called 'wanker' by newspapers, CBeebies TV shows and his own mum. Labour Ed Milliband has, apparently, said that he will support a ‘Yes’ campaign. At least that was what Geoff said he thought he heard and he was closest to the toilet door. In the 80s the Labour Party was considered to be unelectable under first-past-the-post system, until Tony Blair turned the TUC wall map around and pointed out where communist Russia actually was. Aft...

News that the people of Iceland had voted 'No' in the referendum asking if they should pay back money to investors has been met by clamours from millions of British children who want to move to the mid-Atlantic island. “Daddy said that the people of Iceland did not have to follow rules and stuff. They don't have to take out rubbish or tidy their rooms or anything but they still get all their pocket money,” said Mary, aged 11. “I bet they also get to stay up late and eat just donut icing for their tea. It's probably why the country is called Iceland.” The demand from British children to move to Iceland came after the Icelandic government, led by the sloped-shouldered Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir, decided not to fulfil their international commitments. Since people might shout at them they decided to pass the buck onto the people who pay them to make such decisions on their behalf. “It is complicated to pay squillions and squillions back, since if we did it we...

As the rival camps set out their cases for the referendum in May, Nick Clegg, leading champion of the Yes campaign revealed his desire to spread AV to all walks of life and to realise his dream he was prepared to fight to the last councillor. "Alternative to Voting is a key principle that the LibDem people are fighting for, it is in fact the only LibDem policy in the Glorious People's Listening Revolutionary Coalition,” said the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister . “And there is no reason why a simple 'first past the post system' should be able to decide anything.” Under the new Alternative to Voting system, traditions such as the competing party getting the most points being declared winners will be swept aside as the 2010 LibDem People's Democratic revolution continues. “I am, and I therefore assume everyone else is, a passionate supporter of football, steeplechasing and golf, just as I am a supporter of tuition fees for students, a privatised health system and...

Britain today accepted that it should “Just piss off” and leave the rest of Earth’s inhabitants to enjoy the benefits of a Britain-free existence. “You know, I’ve been thinking about it and yeah, the current world is all our fault, we've contributed nothing,” said Britain last night as it packed its bags. “Without Britain the world would be a very different place and we can only assume better.” Britain has faced criticism for decades, with it's national identity turning to an alcohol fuelled paranoia. “Oh, that Whiskey is good stuff, British invention you know. Yeah, we've done nothing of value, apart from the World Wide Web of course, or the electronic computer, or even the mechanical one for that matter. Nothing, that's what, we've done, nothing,” said Britain via a telephone interview. “Or the telephone, that was one of my mob that invented that.” Britain said that when you look at the state of the modern world it was forced to admit it really is all its fault,...

The UK government faces a bill potentially running into billions of pounds after apprentice Tom Jones tribute artist Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi filed claims against the extended warranties he had taken out on his anti-aircraft systems that he said had recently become “inoperative through normal use” “Yes, I felt a bit bullied by the man in the shop when I first took out the extended warranty on these tanks and missile systems, but I don't look mad now,” explained Colonel Gaddafi in his bright blue liberation uniform. With gold braids. And a big cap. “I want to emphasise that I was only using them as per the instruction manual when the British bombed them.” The Ministry Of Defence said that it was studying the claim carefully and if found to be valid it would launch a revision of its arms selling policies. “The extended warranty is something we always emphasis to purchasers of weapons systems since they often operate in very hostile environments and could be easily dama...

There were red faces in Whitehall last night as a freedom of information request forced the Ministry of Defence to admit that the Army was either lost or stolen. “In the last few years we have lost nearly our entire army,” explained Brigadier General Sir Herbert Billingsworth DSO. “We still have the Royal Nay though, it is currently patrolling the Serpentine in Hyde Park ." The news came after an MP requested information on the armed forces upon realising that it had been some time since anyone had seen the Army out and about and that it wasn’t answering the phone. “To be honest we did have a nagging feeling that something was awry, I used to have loads of soldiers all in lines at parades and the like, I needed a car to inspect them all,” said the Brigadier General. “I first became suspicious when I realised the inspection of active servicemen was finished as soon as I checked my driver's collar was turned down en route to the parade.” The Brigadier General said that ...

Campaigners trying to save the pristine, virgin countryside they say is threatened by proposals for a new High Speed line from Birmingham to London have run into an obstacle due to their principled stance against countryside damage and compulsory purchases. “We were going to go down to that there London, but it turns out it isn't at the end of our road,” explained campaigner Hillary Billingsworth, 35. “In fact London isn't even in our lovely, picturesque village, with its robust house prices.” The campaigners are concerned that the area around the Chilterns, which has lain untouched for hundreds of years after all the forests where cut down for farms and to build the Elizabethan royal navy, may have its character permanently altered by having trains run through it periodically. “This land has been just like it is now since I was born and, therefore, must always have been like this and, therefore, must always remain like this,” said Billingsworth. “Apparently some of these so-ca...

In coffee shops and libraries all over the world, apart from Britain where there are no libraries, students, writers and posers nod to each other in acknowledgement of their shared experience of using Apple products. But where it was once knowingly being one of the in-crowd, now it is sympathy with a fellow sufferer. “Yeah, man, the MacBook is cool, it looks good, and everything just works,” said Paul Billingsworth at the British Library before muttering under his breath. “Well apart from managing any files, or backing up to a Windows server. Or typing in text.” Historically the Apple laptop or as it is more commonly known the 'why put the backslash there you piece of shit' MacBook has been the provision of the graphic designer, someone whose stock-in-trade is form over function. However with the success of other Apple products such as the iPad everyone has a MacBook. And they are starting to annoy us. “It used to be cool. You'd sit there, with your 'why the hell have t...

Aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi, has reacted defiantly to the missile bombardment from US and UK naval assets and the as yet completely un-surrendered French airforce. “History has shown that I will prevail and I am fully on top of all of the events in the Middle East and elsewhere,” Gaddafi said in a radio address. “I have reached out to our brother who has had such success handling rebellion, his Excellency Saddam Hussein.” Colonel Gaddafi said that not only was he convinced that the people of Libya were prepared to die for him, he said that he would ensure their wishes were fulfilled. “Clearly Brother Saddam is a very busy despot, but he has experience of killing his own citizens that will be invaluable,” explained the Libyan leader. “I have also extended my hand in solidarity for the advice of the President of Yugoslavia – Slobodan Milosevic, who I am sure will call back soon too.” Colonel Gaddafi continued his address by insisting that he had no ...

Embattled 'Colonel' Nick Clegg today rounded on his critics claiming that he was much loved and that it was outside agencies that were spreading rumours of protests. He also refuted ideas that he was no more than the honorary leader of the LibDem people and urged his coalition to “capture the rats” threatening Downing Street . "No-one is against us. Against us for what? Because I'm not a leader. They love me. All my people are with me, they love me all, no one is protesting against me, the thousands outside this hall in Sheffield all love me.” explained the self-styled Deputy Prime Minister. ‘Colonel’ Clegg, whose regime of terror began when he held 60 million people hostage for 6 days in the summer of 2010, denied that he was ever the leader of the LibDem people, especially after 3pm. In his rambling, incoherent address he was at great lengths to support those seeking greater representation. "We need to continue the glorious May revolution where revolutionaries v...

Following the shock move of several millionaires from one football club paying them millions to another paying them slightly more millions many fans expressed their shock and anger at the lack of loyalty being shown "Fernando Torres has shown absolutely no loyalty to the true fans," said one supporter. "By moving on from Liverpool to Chelsea he has once again failed to show any dedication to Athletico Madrid." The Spanish football star followed a trail of pound notes to the Premier League in 2007, dedicating half of his 6 year contract to trying really hard to make someone give him a shiny pot with red ribbons on it before trying for one with blue ribbons. However his superstar replacement at Anfield, Luis Suarez immediately made an impact with fans. "The boy's come straight into the side and scored on his debut after his big money transfer from Ajax, " said 60s Reds hero Tommy Billingsworth. "The disloyal Uruguayan bastard should be working hard ...

The government moved to distance itself from reports of the sightings of rats near the door to Number 10 Downing Street, and also denied that there was a desperate need for any form of pest control. “There is no need for any extra steps to control the vermin, yes a few have sneaked into Downing Street and started to shit over everything,” said David “Dave” Cameron. “But we are confident we can keep the Lib Dem problem under control.” Civil servants said that whilst the vermin infestation had seen a noticeable increase since May there was no need to replace Number 10's famous Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office, Humphrey, who died in mysterious circumstances in 2006. “Humphrey had a long and distinguished career behind him,” said a spokesman. “His death was of course a shame but to be expected. He was an old cat with no enemies who died of natural causes. In a sack in the River Fleet outflow near Blackfriars. After having stabbed himself. No, no one mentioned Lord Mandelson.” Humph...

Staff at The Sun were said to be devastated that a man with normal looking hair had been charged with the murder of young, blonde, architect, Joanna Yeates, seemingly the only woman to go missing over Christmas. "The cops have now got to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible because this bloke Tabak has normal looking hair, and a girlfriend and everything,” said Emily Billingsworth, Donkey Porn actress and secret journalist for The Sun. “He's not a loner and his hair is simply not blue enough to be a murderer. If his hair isn't mad, he can't be.” Pals said Sun “journos” were distraught that their beautiful “weird, posh, lewd, creepy” innuendo filled story had been murdered at such a young age. “We really are in bits, we have got people all over the place, some even in Holland which is outside London, apparently,” said a tired and emotional Billingsworth, 19, who was seen leaving a nightclub at 3am this morning and wanted to set the record straight. “I am not pu...

As Tony Blair returned to give evidence at the Iraq Inquiry several parents of soldiers killed in action continued to insist that their sons were perpetrators of murder, terrorism and armed revolution and should not be thought of as brave young men fighting for their country, their families or their way of life. “My son Steven died in Iraq in what I want the inquiry to confirm as an illegal war so that I remember my son appropriately,” said proud father Herbert Billingsworth whose son was killed in a helicopter accident three years ago. “Steven was proud to be part of the British Army and he has been commemorated as a war hero. But really he should be remembered as a trained mercenary employed by a rogue regime to enact bloody revolution in a foreign land.” Herbert Billingsworth is determined to ensure that the evil mastermind of the plot of Arab world domination is unmasked and brought to justice. “I want the inquiry to confirm that my son volunteered to be a henchman to Tony 'Dr...

ASLEF, the union that represents a broad spectrum of London Underground employees who spend all day sitting and pushing a button, have announced that its members have voted to strike anyone found in London on their day off squarely in the face. “Our members, who sit in the train cab and push the button to close the doors and instruct the train to drive itself to the next station, cannot risk being distracted by people smiling in London. This normally isn't a problem – who does smile on the Tube anyway?” said Keith Billingsworth, a representative of the supposed Train Drivers. “But they might smile on a day off, like a Bank Holiday. The smiling happy bastards. And our London Transport staff simply can't cope with that and will of course strike.” ASLEF has said that the immediate reaction of any Transport for London staff member, when faced with a commuter with a smile on their face, would be forced to punch them sharply on the nose. “Now, if our members are not to have to give u...

Former Liverpool player and managerial legend Kenny Dalglish has returned to the home of his greatest footballing triumphs after a twenty year absence. Whilst he concedes he has been out of management for over a decade he was confident of being on top of the issues facing the club. “Liverpool is a club with a proud history and the new owners know the high expectations of the club's loyal fans all over China,” said Dalglish as he spoke to journalists upon arrival at Liverpool Home Of The Beatles John 'Beatle' Lennon International Airport. “It may be a long time since I was at the club or managing a football team, but Liverpool should be vying at the top of Division One and I hope to build a team that can at least compete with Crystal Palace for third place.” Dalglish has said that whilst he will not be taking charge of the first team as they take on fierce rivals Manchester United in the FA Cup Third Round he will be focussing on team morale and reviewing off-field activitie...

As society continues its inexorable slide to removing any need for anybody to learn anything, ever, the government acquiesced to demands from people who filled in an online petition from their wrecked cars and promised to review and scrap any road sign that was not immediately understandable to either a 5 year old child or a common-sense using Daily Mail reader. “It is simply not my responsibility to understand stupid road-signs, who on earth knows what 'Give Way' means anyway?” said Sophie Billingsworth. “All I want is a straight road to my house with no distractions. Having to take care at junctions sometimes makes me miss the start of Emmerdale. It's so unfair.” However Twitter feeds and Facebook pages, the true measures of all matters of import in 2011, have been full of debate, with those both for and against the changes offering reasoned arguments in support of their position. “Stupid signs, having to read them distracts me from texting what I had for lunch,” said @Cr...

The Archbishop of Canterbury has urged the people of Britain to rediscover the original “story of the universe” as told in the King James Bible in their bid to understand their place in society. This, he says, will enable them to put their own lives into a wider perspective and to apply some old solutions to modern day problems. “You may feel there's only one big story and that's about money and whether I have got a job tomorrow and whether my children can afford higher education,” explained the Archbishop. “But it is easy enough to send your sons to university, simply read Exodus 21:7 and sell your daughter into slavery to pay the tuition fees.” The archbishop said that the bible provides other tools for helping families struggling with the harsh economic and employment times. “Many people are struggling to pay their debts, and they are faced with banks and bailiffs attempting eviction or to remove their property,” explained the Archbishop. “Whilst the exact ratio of forced se...

The Football Association today issued a statement urging teams and players to forge ever more tenuous links with community tragedies, such as missing people or murders. Following a peak in the early part of the 21st century the number of minutes silence observed at the start of matches has dropped alarmingly. “The Premier League is the best in the world for aligning itself to tragedies such as loss in the community - whichever community that is - but the teams need to keep that momentum up that has been built up in the last two decades. In the week following 9/11 I must have attended at least 6 minutes silences, but this season I've sat through dozens of games this season and seen nothing but football,” said FA spokesman Richard Billingsworth. “All that the teams used to need was a picture of a missing child in a football kit and they would arrange a for a player to mow the parent's lawn.” The FA is concerned that recent high-profile murders or the search for missing persons ha...

The police forces of England and Wales will continue moves at both modernisation and cost reduction with the inauguration of a world first branch of Special Dog Walking Constables, to take place in the New Year. “For many years we have struggled with the effectiveness of our Missing Persons bureau, we hope to boost that with specially deputised dog walkers,” explained Chief Constable Billingsworth. “If it is a success we will look to employ some early morning joggers too.” In recent years it has become apparent that hundreds of trained Police dog handlers performing methodical searches of towns, cities and the countryside have a success rate far below a retired bank manager walking a Yorkshire terrier. “Hardly a month goes past without the body of a missing person being discovered in the undergrowth not by the police but by a member of the public out walking their dog,” said Billingsworth. “We have spent millions on helicopters, metal detectors and training but really the likes of Mr S...