Surreal Scoop

The new coalition government continued to outline its plans for the brand new era of change sweeping the country. Having revolutionised democracy by planning to ignore it, the next step is mathematics where centuries of tradition and fact based reasoning will be swept away to appease a power obsessed minority, who can’t count. “Just like our plan to reform the archaic voting system of Britain. No longer will the idea of getting more votes somehow be deemed to give you the right to be an MP and having more MPs is deemed good enough to make you a government,” said the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. “From now on mathematics will be changed to give me, after all I am the voter, more power.” Mr Clegg’s Liberal Democrats have confirmed that the value of pi , traditionally pegged to the ratio of a circle’s circumference and its diameter, will now be standardised on the easier to use value of 3. “For too long British craftsmanship and engineering has been held back by the annoying nit-picke...

It emerged last night that a man from Scotland, who had been asked his opinion on every matter known within Oceania for the last 3 years, had been stripped of his right to voice an opinion in a private conversation because a journalist had recorded it. “A 59 year old man from Scotland had expressed a private opinion about an oldspeak conversation with a 66 year old woman,” said Charrington Billingsworth Detective Inspector of the Ministry of Truth, speaking from his Fleet Street office. “Following the incident Mr Brown spent several hours of re-education in the studios of Radio 101.” The ruling from the Ministry of Truth explained that the right to have a private opinion was automatically lost should a telescreen truth crew manage to record it. The incident happened following a brief conversation between Mr Gordon Brown and Mrs Gillian Duffy, a life long Ingsoc supporting prole from Rochdale in the North West of Airstrip One. Mrs Duffy is an economic and geopolitical expert with an hou...

Following over a week of flight chaos caused by a huge cloud of ash from the erupting Eyjafjallajokull volcano there has been outrage at the settlement agreed with the enraged Icelandic resident, who many believe has held the European travelling public and airline industries to ransom. “Forcing airlines to stop flying until your demands are reached? It's been extortion, pure and simple,” said Duncan Billingsworth of the Unite union. “That's our trick. Although hats off to that cloud of ash, we only managed to ground British Airways, not all airlines.” The Volcano is believed to have been bought off by airlines that realised that unlike a normal weather system, a Volcano may be able to keep its disruption up for decades, forcing many airlines out of business. Some carriers have had to run disrupted flight plans on increasingly convoluted routes through Spain in a desperate attempt to get passengers to their destinations, and avoid paying expensive hotel bills. “We have been forc...

Pablo Billingsworth, 38, a retired IT consultant from the Northwest of England said that his new High Definition television had enabled him to really explore deep into a TV presenter’s very essence revealing detail previously unavailable to light entertainment viewers. “The picture clarity is just amazing, absolutely stunning,” said Mr Billingsworth. “You can see vivid colours, stunning movement and detail. And look, there you can actually see the waves of self loathing circling Paddy McGuinness’s soul when he presents ‘Take Me Out’.” Mr Billingsworth said that the past few months he had spent with his new Samsung LED TV had revealed to him the breathtaking shallowness of Britain’s TV presenters. “You just see such detail. The lack of depth and the coldness is all just brought into such an incredibly sharp focus,” he explained. “It is a humbling experience to peer into the depths of Vernon Kaye’s eyes during ‘Family Fortunes’. You can almost feel the vivid tones of cash that are shield...

Apple's Chief Technology Angel, Steve Jobs was said to have retreated into the company’s Well of Purification when it became apparent that users of iPhones and iPod Touches may be using them to look at naked lady bumps. “Mr Jobs has retreated to the heart of Apple Core to consult with his acolytes,” said an Apple Evangelist. “He is believed to be using the very restful Pips of Ergonomicity app on his iPad Nano to assimilate the news. Then he will tell us what to think.” Mr Jobs, and devout Apple followers across the world, were shocked to learn recently that some applications on the Apple App Store were of an adult nature and have therefore been removed, to ensure the purity of the Chosen Devices. “To be honest, when we developed a hand-held device with a wipe-clean, touch surface, with integrated 3G and Wi-Fi technology that can seamlessly zoom in on webpages, or access streaming video content via the Internet, we never imagined anyone could use it to enlarge anything other than t...

Speaking from his exile in 1720s Britain, François-Marie Arouet today spoke out as to the turn that human discourse has taken and said that he wants to set the record straight over his reputation being continually embroiled in support of other people’s arguments. “I am so often misquoted as having uttered the fine sentiment ‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it’,” said the writer known as Voltaire. “Even if I had said that, it is not justification for calling someone a ‘twat’ on an Internet forum.” Voltaire was taking a rare opportunity for an 18th century philosopher to sample some of the extents to which the hard won freedoms of expression, so pioneered by the enlightenment movement of the late 17th century, had come to manifest themselves some 400 years later. “I don’t mind being used as a totem for challenging established authority. That was, after all, my bag whilst I was alive,” said the Enlightenment essayist. “But my reputation is at...

A new book published today chronicles the astonishing life of Herbert Billingsworth, 88. It is a story of good decisions, fortuitous coincidences and blind luck that has enabled Herbert to consistently cheat death and catastrophe. Reproduced here, exclusively, are a few extracts from Herbert's amazing tale of near misses in his memoir entitled “Only 3673 miles from death.”:- 11th September 1921 I was born in Preston in Lancashire on this day. The son of a Scottish merchant seaman and the Eskimo girl he won in a poker tournament in Newfoundland, I was brought up to understand the hard life of the inter-war mill towns. Fortunately this meant I was not born in the USA as the son of a man who went on to be the anti-semetic US ambassador to wartime Britain. Whilst it was a shame I never had the chance to go to an Ivy League college in the USA, it also meant that I was never able to run for US President. Thus it was by sheer chance that I was not sitting in my open-top limousine waving a...

In a move seen by many as an attempt to breathe life into a tired franchise, the Vatican today announced a reboot of the “Greatest Story Ever Told” with the introduction of new characters into the New Testament storyline. The new New Testament will include a retelling of some familiar stories to bring a new perspective to the popular, long-running myth. “We are keen to make religion relevant to as many people as possible,” said Pope Benedict during a specially convened press conference mass, yesterday. “We want to explore the early years of one of the lead characters. Pontius P, is a hip teen who has attitude, the latest sandals and hair that is just so like totally ill.” New characters are being introduced into the long running saga to boost the appeal of Christianity with the key 15 to 25 demographic. It is this group that is believed to have the most disposable credulity. “Pontius P meets a teenage apprentice carpenter Jesus who repairs and like totally pimps out his plain wooden sk...

Internet giant Google yesterday unveiled the result of billions of dollars of research and development with the launch of Google Buzz, its foray into the social networking world currently dominated by Facebook and into the micro blogging world led by Twitter. “Google Buzz is a step change, they have all of the technology in their algorithm to pull the status updates that I really need together int …” said Twitter sensation @realpaulirwin in a tweet based interview. “That means the important task of getting a complete picture of the lunch choices of all my friends can be done easily and quickly and someti ...” Google said that Buzz would leverage the search giant's algorithms to place the targeted content easily within the user's Gmail inbox. “What your friends are having for lunch will be categorised into Sandwich or Soup and rated using the international standard of tastiness - the number 'noms' they include in the update,” said Google founder Sergey Brin. “We can then...

The United Nations was today considering the ramifications, on both the emergency situation in Haiti and the ongoing efforts towards a peaceful settlement in the middle east, that will be felt by news that a minor TV presenter had discovered how to use the text messaging function on his phone. “That Vernon Kay has sent text messages is not the major issue,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon at an emergency meeting of the Security Council. ”It is that he managed to arrange some of the letters to enable the pixels to spell what some might think are sexy words.” Many analysts believe that the so-called “Star Text Sex Scandal” could deal a massive blow to the prospects of the two state Palestinian solution being proposed by the group of four, in the hopes of peace and prosperity in the middle east. “We stopped the air-lift once we read the front page of The Sun.” said a red cross official. “You wonder how you can go on knowing that Tess, who always looks so lovely on Strictly Come Danc...

The Republican Party of the United States today moved closer to putting its large ‘southern hospitality’ weight behind Sarah Palin in its search for a politician who won’t put off voters with complicated policies or intelligent concepts. “Many ordinary extremists want to turn to Sarah Palin since they’re turned off by Obama speeches that you just can’t write into a single twitter tweet,” said Kurt Billingsworthski, one of the founders of the Tea Party Movement. “One of Mrs Palin’s key strengths is that you can’t fit more than one hundred forty letters into her Jesus loving hand.” Mr Billingsworthski was responding to criticism of the former Alaskan Russian Affairs Spokeswoman’s strategy of making a joke about President Obama’s reliance on teleprompters whilst reading notes written on the palm of her hand. “Mrs Palin knows about us, she is one of us, you know, ordinary working stiffs, you know writing the answers on the palm of her hand,” said Billingsworthski. “What conservative voter ...

Apple has moved to once again take the portable consumer communications industry by storm with its latest product launch. The company has announced a product that aims to make the well tested and hugely popular touchscreen technology of the iPad, so familiar in trains, airports and Starbucks across the world, readily accessible and even more portable. “We all know that the iPad has revolutionised our smug, coffee shop web surfing habits. Now we want to make it easier for our polo-necked customers to have a superior air about them wherever they may be,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs making the multi-touch salute ‘ZoomOut’ - the sign of the Apple Cult. “Whilst everyone has become so used to the iPad, many people just want a bit more convenience, and so I give you the iPad Nano.” To the background of cheers and choreographed multi-touch ‘ZoomIn’ gestures, Mr Jobs unveiled the smaller, more compact iPad Nano at the exclusive mountain-top retreat known as ‘Apple Core’. “The iPad Nano condenses ...

The government has announced the closure of the Swine Flu hotline so beloved of journalists and other layabouts . This comes less than two months after the Chief Medical Officer admitted that the Swine Flu outbreak may not have been quite as deadly as first feared. Figures indicate that 392 people have died from the mild flu, a figure slightly less than the 210 million September death-rate predicted for the small sea-side town of Formby alone. “It turns out that there may be one or two people still alive, somewhere,” said Medical Officer Sir Nigel Billingsworth. “Even so, this still vindicates the official medical approach. Although it is possible that large numbers of cases of diarrhoea were in fact a direct response to the medical plan code-named ‘Scare the shit out of everyone’.” Medical experts from around the world are convening at an international conference to determine the best approach to future outbreaks and plan a co-ordinated response – as well as which manufacturer of a po...

Prejudice enthusiast Pope Benedict XVI has hit out at the UK's proposed laws aimed at inequality in the workplace saying that there is simply not enough prejudice to satisfy his lust for objectification and subjugation. “I know good prejudice when I see it, I am an expert with over 70 years experience in bigoted organisations ranging from the Hitler Youth to the Roman Catholic Church,” said the Pontiff. “The British legislation would mean the Church would have to consider non-Catholics, gays and even women as the equal of a blessed donkey.” Pope Benedict was providing his expert analysis of proposed laws aimed at preventing organisations from rejecting prospective candidates based on religion, ethnicity, their preferred method of combining their genitals or whether they have the physiology to enable them to give birth to future Christians. “This legislation wouldn't discriminate against anyone! It's ridiculous, it is a violation of the natural law,” said the former Nazi. “2...

Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged to strengthen the laws protecting householders if they beat up an intruder in the middle of the night, or maim a dinner party guest whose house price growth is better than your own. “I believe these people leave their human rights outside, so we will make sure that you can drag a hoodie into your kitchen before you give him a good beating,” said Mr Cameron. “As the criminals say ‘You just watch your step in my manor’ … house.” Mr Cameron said that the law must be clear, unambiguous and above all appealing to those people who only read the headline or the first paragraph of an article in the Sun or the Daily Mail. “Householders, especially in High Wycombe, need to know that if they have apprehended an intruder they are free to inflict brain damage upon him,” said Mr Cameron. “They need assurance that the law will allow them the freedom to change weapons during the beating. There will be provisions for the homeowner to choose between an iron ...

Future undergraduates were today engaged in a further day’s practice to be whiny university students by continuing to complain that one of their A-level exams may have been more difficult than expected given the last several decades of record pass rates. “Dat Biology exam was like soo unfair. There was like q’s on it that I didn’t no no answers to or nofink, There was like nuthin off of de course on it,” said one complainant. “If dis one is so hard I’m real worried about ma English exam.” The complaints about the AQA Biology Unit 4 paper allege that the questions bore no resemblance to the curriculum that the pupils believe that they might have been taught in between texting each other, and indeed bore no resemblance to past papers. The complaints are being collated on the 21st century’s medium of choice for ineffectual whining, the Facebook group, where pupils claim they were screwed by shrews. “I’d looked at some past papers and done lots of revision for this Biology exam,” said Call...

As the nation waits eagerly for the first of the televised debates between party leaders in the run up to this year’s general election it has been revealed that the shows may actually be cancelled due to the demands being placed upon organisers by the three main political parties. “There is the expected posturing about the make-up of the audience and the proportion of supporters for each party,” said TV insider. “Labour wants more as it has a majority in the Commons, the Tories want more because they are ahead in the polls and the Liberal Democrats want more because Nick Clegg has more Gs in his name than the other leaders.” Other demands that have been revealed are that David Cameron wants a bowl containing only blue M&Ms to be within arm’s reach throughout the debate and that Gordon Brown has insisted that he has a swivel chair and a pure white kitten to stroke throughout each televised debate. None of the parties will agree on letting Alex Salmond of the Scottish Nationalist’s w...

American snipers today expressed gratitude that their endeavours to supply death at a great distance had been formerly sanctioned by Jesus Christ following news that their sniper scopes contained inscriptions of teachings from the Bible. “It's one thing having all the training and experience to be able to kill someone from over a mile away,” said a US army sniper. “But it makes me feel proud to know that when I drop a rag-head or a hippy, Jesus is sitting on my shoulder and approving my target selection.” The company, Jesus Loves War Machines, based in Scranton, Ohio in the USA, has been supplying the so-called “Jesus sights” and other equipment to the US military for decades and is proud to run its business upon Biblical principles. “Jesus loves everybody, apart from the people that aren't Americans obviously, at which point they will inevitably need to be killed,” said company spokesman Kirk Billingsworthski the Third. “When that happens we want them killed according to His t...

A quarter of a century may not seem like a long time, but like the mobile phone, or the internet, it is difficult to imagine exactly how we lived before our towns were filled with the distinctive whine of straining electric motors or the hillsides strewn with panting red-faced drivers that so characterise the environment in the post-C5 era. 25 years ago this week the streets of the UK, and the world, were completely free of Sinclair C5s. Pavements outside coffee shops, libraries and intensive-care units at hospitals were not lined with rows of scattered and crushed electric tricycles, plugged into pay-as-you-go electricity points. “It really is one of those inventions, where you think ‘How did we get by before it?’ and wonder why hadn't it been invented sooner?,” said Professor J. Scott Billlingsworth. “Being below tyre height with a juggernaut and having even less protection than a bicycle makes you feel so alive. Albeit briefly.” Research has shown that most people, not just thos...