Surreal Scoop

Future undergraduates were today engaged in a further day’s practice to be whiny university students by continuing to complain that one of their A-level exams may have been more difficult than expected given the last several decades of record pass rates. “Dat Biology exam was like soo unfair. There was like q’s on it that I didn’t no no answers to or nofink, There was like nuthin off of de course on it,” said one complainant. “If dis one is so hard I’m real worried about ma English exam.” The complaints about the AQA Biology Unit 4 paper allege that the questions bore no resemblance to the curriculum that the pupils believe that they might have been taught in between texting each other, and indeed bore no resemblance to past papers. The complaints are being collated on the 21st century’s medium of choice for ineffectual whining, the Facebook group, where pupils claim they were screwed by shrews. “I’d looked at some past papers and done lots of revision for this Biology exam,” said Call...

As the nation waits eagerly for the first of the televised debates between party leaders in the run up to this year’s general election it has been revealed that the shows may actually be cancelled due to the demands being placed upon organisers by the three main political parties. “There is the expected posturing about the make-up of the audience and the proportion of supporters for each party,” said TV insider. “Labour wants more as it has a majority in the Commons, the Tories want more because they are ahead in the polls and the Liberal Democrats want more because Nick Clegg has more Gs in his name than the other leaders.” Other demands that have been revealed are that David Cameron wants a bowl containing only blue M&Ms to be within arm’s reach throughout the debate and that Gordon Brown has insisted that he has a swivel chair and a pure white kitten to stroke throughout each televised debate. None of the parties will agree on letting Alex Salmond of the Scottish Nationalist’s w...

American snipers today expressed gratitude that their endeavours to supply death at a great distance had been formerly sanctioned by Jesus Christ following news that their sniper scopes contained inscriptions of teachings from the Bible. “It's one thing having all the training and experience to be able to kill someone from over a mile away,” said a US army sniper. “But it makes me feel proud to know that when I drop a rag-head or a hippy, Jesus is sitting on my shoulder and approving my target selection.” The company, Jesus Loves War Machines, based in Scranton, Ohio in the USA, has been supplying the so-called “Jesus sights” and other equipment to the US military for decades and is proud to run its business upon Biblical principles. “Jesus loves everybody, apart from the people that aren't Americans obviously, at which point they will inevitably need to be killed,” said company spokesman Kirk Billingsworthski the Third. “When that happens we want them killed according to His t...

A quarter of a century may not seem like a long time, but like the mobile phone, or the internet, it is difficult to imagine exactly how we lived before our towns were filled with the distinctive whine of straining electric motors or the hillsides strewn with panting red-faced drivers that so characterise the environment in the post-C5 era. 25 years ago this week the streets of the UK, and the world, were completely free of Sinclair C5s. Pavements outside coffee shops, libraries and intensive-care units at hospitals were not lined with rows of scattered and crushed electric tricycles, plugged into pay-as-you-go electricity points. “It really is one of those inventions, where you think ‘How did we get by before it?’ and wonder why hadn't it been invented sooner?,” said Professor J. Scott Billlingsworth. “Being below tyre height with a juggernaut and having even less protection than a bicycle makes you feel so alive. Albeit briefly.” Research has shown that most people, not just thos...

The United States Federal Bureau of Investigations was forced into an embarrassing admission regarding recently released images of Osama Bin Laden aged by a decade. Supposedly processed using sophisticated analytical techniques they had in fact been cut and pasted together from images found on the Internet, including one of a serving Spanish politician. Today the FBI has released further images in the same series in the hope that one of them will assist in the identification of the leader of Al Qaeda, who may be walking among us.

Edinburgh based architects RMJM have announced an ambitious plan to demonstrate to the world the strength of their designs by hiring failed banker Sir Fred “pisstake” Goodwin . Sir Fred rose to fame in 2008 when he successfully overturned established business practice by having neither any banking qualifications nor having to take responsibility for his company’s failed strategy. “RMJM is a leading architectural practice with a proven track record for innovative structures and spaces that will stand the test of time,” said spokesman Morrison McBillingsworth. “To prove this, we have hired a man who brought a 300 year old bank crashing down in less than a decade.” Sir Fred has been out of work for over a year after leaving the Royal Bank of Scotland in such a hurry that he could smell the flaming torches that the chasing mob of irate shareholders were carrying. It was as CEO at RBS that he oversaw the effective collapse and nationalisation of one of the world’s leading banks. “I want to ...

The face of American TV evangelist Pat Robertson has revealed publicly for the first time that it is the victim of a pact made by its owner, Pat Robertson, with the devil. “Something happened a long time ago in Virginia, and people might not want to talk about it,” said Pat Robertson's face whilst its owner was recovering from ingesting his own weight-loss shake made from the blood of living goats. “Religion on television was under the heel of the , uh, you know, considered and learned people, so Pat swore a pact to the devil, true story. And so the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' And Pat was able to form The Christian Broadcasting Network, but ever since I have been cursed and disfigured by the hate I, as his face, have to channel for Pat Robertson. “I, the face of Pat Robertson, am split down the middle. On the one side is a fuming torrent of intolerance, disfigured by 70 years of anger and hatred,” said the face. “And the other side is even more representative of a ba...

A Facebook group set-up to raise the profile of Islamic extremists was today celebrating its success as all news outlets continued to report extensively about the previously little known Islam4UK group who wish to bring Sharia Law and the joys of the middle-ages to Britain. “We are really pleased that we have been able to get them as much publicity as we have,” said Paul Billingsworth, the creator of the Facebook group that helped rally publicity for the Muslim extremists. “Our 800,000 members ensured that we got Islam4UK all over the newspapers and enabled the spread of hatred further and wider then would otherwise be possible.” The Facebook group entitled “More publicity for minority extremist groups that want to overthrow free speech” had been highlighted by the media as a key indicator of opinion for those members who wish to suppress the opinions of people who wish to suppress people’s opinions. Indeed so successful was it in shouting its opinion over others that the government wa...

Expert research over the past week has revealed that the current snow chaos sweeping the land can be overcome with some ground breaking new approaches such as “wearing some boots and a scarf” and “walking a bit more slowly and carefully”. “I remember when I was a child we sometimes used to, how did you say it? ‘Go out in the snow’ – mad! But in the last few years whenever the early morning view from my window doesn’t look normal I just phone in to say I will work from home,” said snowplough driver Herbert Billingsworth. The media was quick to cast blame and analyse the implications for Britain and what the impact of the snow has had on local and national services across the country. “Apparently this snow is coming across from Eastern Europe,” screamed an editorial in the Daily Express. “We want to know why it was allowed into the country and who is protecting the interests of pure white indigenous British snow?” The government responded to the criticism by highlighting the efforts it i...

Sources within ITV revealed that the one time television maker plans to increase it's quality output with a new show whose aim is for one group of contestants to drive another player to commit suicide. “Embarrassment has always been a corner stone of Saturday night on ITV,” said the source. “Of course traditionally it has been the viewer embarrassed for Cheryl Cole struggling with English or the cringe-worthiness of Ant and Dec, whichever is which, fluffing their lines during their ad-libs. But now we want to take it to the next level.” Following on from ‘Take Me Out’ and its predecessor ‘Man O Man’ the new show, provisionally entitled “Men are Tossers” is to have several dozen women physically and verbally abuse a male contestant until he breaks down and commits suicide. ITV plans a big advertising slot for the break in-between its show-piece rounds called “Waxing” and “Dude looks like a lady” - the final round in which a section of the audience on a hen-night strip the contestant...

The Chinese government today launched a scathing attack on Britain's Human Rights record citing a list of persecutions and abuse of political prisoners, particularly those imprisoned in central London. “It is appalling that in the 21st century a country is able to treat people so harshly, especially when the victim has committed no crime other than have political views,” said Yin Birrings, the Politburo Under Secretary for Prisoner Re-education and China's leading Cattle-Prod Salesman. “The treatment meted out to Gordon Brown would never be allowed in the People's Republic.” The Chinese list includes accusations that Mr Brown has been badly dressed, is a one-eyed simpleton, suffers from depression and emphasises the end of a sentence by making a face as though he has followed through. “We are perhaps old fashioned. Unlike the sophisticated British press we in China do not expect our leaders to go on holiday and be photographed wearing a mankini,” said Birrings. “We would no...

As the year comes to an end we all make a list of things we would like to change for the 12 months ahead. As regular followers - no you are not mere followers, you are lovers, devotees, and evangelists for Surreal Scoop – as dependants upon the wisdom of these pages know, movie deals, TV shows will all be on your list of things to arrange for me in the coming year. Write to your MP. Do it now, I will be here when you get back. Thank you, now let us proceed. As my prosperous 2010, filled with riches, fame and as much drugs as I can snort off Kylie Minogue's tits beckons, so my lonely, impoverished 2009 – which you lot singularly failed to fill with instant celebrity meaning that I didn't even get a go at Dannii (DANNII!) Minogue – fades into the past. Thanks to the joys of schadenfreude all is not lost, there are people worse off than me and Surreal Scoop would not want to be the only place you could not see the seldom talented James Corden! Thank you, Thank you! Thanking YOU!,...

Simon Cowell the man who revolutionised the pub karaoke market hopes to capitalise on his huge home spinster fan-base and the obvious link up with the Susan Boyle brand by launching a new range of vibrator products aimed at those who feel the urge to rage against the machine . “We have high hopes for our XXX Factor Fanny Hammer range,” said Simon Cowell at the product unveiling. “There is a large market for such products and we feel that ours can fill that opening.” The range comes with various features that the company believes will help them achieve maximum penetration with the target demographic. The basic entry model comes with both a variable speed and a hammer action, whilst the X-Factor FH XL Jumbo has a Turbo Thumper mode and includes a free gum-shield to reduce teeth-rattling. “The X-Factor deal will involve a tie-up with the spinsters' favourite contestants, each model will include an internal mp3 player pre-loaded with a selection of ballads,” said Cowell. “The speaker w...

A survey reveals that the average Internet user considers their time to be more valuable than an astronaut, a world leader or Simon Cowell based upon their tolerance of inconvenience. “If a website takes longer to load than I take to blink then it is wasting my time,” said Julian Billingsworth, an experienced web surfer. “My time is precious since I only have 8 hours a day to spend on the Internet.” Even the trivial problem of receiving free spam e-mail is enough to render an Internet surfer apoplectic with rage. “My Spam filter gets most of it, but occasionally I have to click on an e-mail and mark it is as junk. That’s maybe twice a day, taking at least 0.5s,” said Billingsworth, the veins beginning to protrude from his temples. “Over the course of a year that might amount to two whole minutes – or an entire session watching youporn.com.” As the growth of social networking escalates users are investing huge amounts of time in making the commercial products of massive corporations a s...

Postmen across the UK are stepping up their demands that we do their jobs for them by popping “Sorry, I can't be arsed, wash my car for me.” cards through letterboxes up and down the country in their desire to free up as much time as possible to play snooker. “A few years ago a postman used to 'deliver' things like parcels, sometimes before you even got out of bed,” said leading work-dodging expert Jeff Billingsworth, reading from someone else's report. “Now they find it easier to deliver small bits of card asking you to do their jobs for them.” The practice started with the infamous “Sorry you were out” cards that magically appear on your doormat whilst you stare at the front door hoping to hear the approach of the postninja. Increasingly customers are now finding “Do my washing, please” cards and “Since I am out early in the morning, can you take the rubbish out and give the missus a good seeing-to for me” cards. “I think we need to understand the impact that actually...

The Archbishop of Canterbury has accused the government of treating religious faith as an "eccentricity" practised by "oddities". “If it is eccentric to believe that I am being eternally watched by an immortal figure and to selectively adhere to the ideas contained within a two thousand year old book of uncertain provenance, then call me eccentric,” said the Archbishop in his elaborate flowing gown, gesticulating with his ornate crosier. “But it is The Most Reverend Father in God, eccentric, by Divine Providence Lord Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of All England and Metropolitan to you.” The government, however, said that it recognised the important role faith plays in shaping the values of millions of irrational people throughout the land. “We don’t believe they are oddities at all. It’s perfectly mainstream to wear sandals and carry a slightly patronising air towards the person you are talking to who is going to burn in hell for all eternity. They all seem to h...

Producers of quality challenged broadcaster ITV's-hit programme “ Am I a Celebrity? Get out of here! ” today defended their animal rights record following accusations of cruelty from the RSPCA of New South Wales regarding the killing of a rat during the making of the last series. “Animal rights campaigners are not being consistent if they complain about the treatment of a rat that was killed, skinned, cooked and eaten,” said Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, Head of Programming at ITV1+8 and shop assistant at a central Manchester Blockbuster video store. “If they were serious they would consider the hundreds of thousands of insects that we have killed and maimed over the last 7 years.” Convicted thief Gino D'Acampo continued to protest his innocence amid mounting concerns that the rat in question was a tame one planted as part of the show with experts insisting that a real-live rat would never have been caught. “Are the filth saying the rat was a patsy? I ain’t doing no more time f...

The board of banking basket case the Royal Bank of Scotland today warned that Britain risked a drop in it's international incompetency rating if they were not allowed to pay a huge amount of money to people who had failed at their jobs. “RBS leads the nation, and thus helps Britain sit at the international top table, of incompetency,” said Stephen “Incompetent” Hester. “If we aren't allowed to remunerate RBS talent at the market rate by rewarding them for forcing RBS out of the market then we risk losing this level of incompetency to the nation.” The world reacted in horror to the news that the entire board of RBS has threatened to resign if they are not able to pay the bonuses they believed their staff had earned by ruining a 300 year old bank in less than a decade. The leaders of major economies struggling to recover from the recession have implored the British government to “just give them what they want” for fear that these elite businessmen might leave Britain. “You mean t...

As further news of Tiger Woods “transgressions” emerged in the press, analysts and shagging pundits speculated as to whether or not the news would continue or if Tiger had got over the hump. “For a player of Tiger's capabilities you have to wonder if there are more women to come forward,” said Peter Billingsworth, Sex analyst for Golf Monthly. “We are all, of course, expecting him to go for the full 18 holes.” Analysts however concede that whilst Tiger has always demonstrated fantastic ball control, the pressures of his high-profile lifestyle may mean that he has been unable to play a full round whilst playing around. “Shot after shot has shown Tiger able to get impressive elevation on his balls, and of course he has fantastic length.” said Billingsworth. “Maybe these women are all there is, but then the question is 'Did he play the back nine?” The media has focussed on voice-mail messages left for a cocktail waitress in Las Vegas. Tiger in his press statement insists that he w...