Surreal Scoop

Following Jonathan Ross’s assertion that he is worth every penny of his £6m a year salary, parents have been warned about the inflationary pressure this may put on the pocket-money demands of 13 year old boys. “It’s so unfair! I only get about £20 a week and I like talking about boobs and girls arses too,” said Derren Billingsworth, 13. “I spend a lot of time making wanking jokes on Friday nights too.” Whilst the salary demands of those who talk about masturbation and breasts are seen to be beyond all but the wealthiest broadcasting corporations, it is believed that should the BBC wish to consider a reduction in so-called ‘talent costs’ there are plenty of people capable of stepping into Ross’s shoes. “Only on a Friday night? You could start ‘Wanking 24’ with our Derren,” said Kate Billingsworth, Derren’s mum. “He’d have enough for the radio show too, if that’s what you was after.” “I read comics too, and I would do programmes on Japanese Manga porn comics for, like, no extra money,” s...

The Football Association has ruled that Londoners supporting Arsenal Football Club do not have to behave themselves, especially when confronted by a man of African origin, possibly wearing a blue shirt. The ruling came as part of their suspended match ban of Manchester City’s Emmanuel Adebayor for opening his arms in front of a Londoner. “The FA has ruled that in no way is it reasonable to expect a Londoner, possibly wearing a red shirt, to control their natural desire to riot when provoked by a black man in a blue shirt,” said a statement. “The normal behavioural expectation when encountering Londoners should to assume they are aggressive beasts and the African gentlemen should have known not to kneel in front of them. We have to make allowances for Londoners being unable to sit down and shut the fuck up.” The FA said it was clear that the Londoners had suffered unduly from extreme provocation. According to a report they had endured sitting on a train that did not go underground and m...

It is the middle of conference season again, a time of the year when The Sun chooses the prevailing political bandwagon to hitch it's sales cart to. Therefore it is time to assess the allegiances of the major national newspapers, and the Daily Express. The Sun The newspaper based on the journalistic principles of big-bouncy breasts holds the rather depressing position as being the highest circulation of Murdoch's opinion leaflets. Following Gordon Brown's speech at the Labour party conference the paper has vowed to align with David Cameron for its daily tit based news. Daily Mail A difficult one to call, since the Mail appears convinced we will all be dead in our worthless homes long before the election occurs. On the wild assumption that the Mail does not always print facts, a perusal of its health-scare obsessed advertorials indicates that its most fervent ardour is reserved for those aspects of society that it deems most cancerous. Likely to back the Conservatives. The M...

Engineers at CERN have announced that the Large Hadron Collider, the machine set to kill us all, destroy the Earth and, most shockingly of all, ruin the final of Strictly Come Dancing has had a SF40m security update. “Last year we were shut down before we could destroy, I mean start our experiment, by one of our magnets heating up,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Now if a secret agent does attempt at sabotage we will know immediately and a dozen henchmen in orange uniforms will be despatched to resolve the problem.” Many believe that the LHC (which is the English acronym for the machine’s full French title of SKYNET) is capable of generating a black hole which would severely disrupt voting during the X-Factor. SKYNET has been rumoured to be housed at CERN’s underground lair on the Franco-Swiss border with the 27km super-gun circling a huge underground tank containing at least three genetically engineered shark-crocodile-Katie-Price fembots. CERN’s announcement of the new...

Following the discovery of a huge amount of Saxon Gold the Chancellor today announced a plan to move the pound back to being measured against the gold standard and a distribution of revised coinage. This will be a first step in a series of reforms to support hard pressed public finances. “In no way are we saying that the country is broke,” said Mr Darling from his place in the soup line. "However I did see an advert on the telly for one of those companies that buys old gold and thought we could raise a few quid that way.” The Saxon hoard is comprised of thousands of gold coins, which will form the basis of the new currency, as well as some gold ornaments, which will be sent to pawnyourgold.co.uk . “A lot of the finds are 7th century sword fittings,” said Mr Darling as he sipped his steaming rat broth. “So I will be passing these on to Bob Ainsworth to see if he can re-equip the troops fighting in Afghanistan with some more modern gear.” The Chancellor said that the full plans woul...

Following the vote over high-heels, in a further landmark ruling during the Trade Union Congress’s meeting in Liverpool, a motion was passed calling on all female underwear to be made illegal in the workplace. “For too long women have been compelled to wear knickers, and bras, tights and stockings,” said Lorraine Billingsworth, a comfortable shoe wearing delegate at the conference. “Ban these evil, lying items of clothing, since you never look as good in them as the models in the catalogues .” Union officials say that since men who may work in professions such as cabin crew or trade shows are not compelled to wear knickers or bras then they are clearly discriminatory and should be banned. “I think it’s a great idea, sometimes the stewardess uniforms with their short skirts and high-heels must be difficult to spend the day in,” said George, a frequent flyer from Edinburgh and member of the Scottish Health & Safety executive. “If I knew that they were not wearing any knickers I would...

Following the news that guitar band Oasis has split acrimoniously, fans will have been consoled that the remaining songs from Noel Gallagher’s future albums were today released in box-set under the title of “Beatles in Stereo”. “This has been done to give something back to the fans that have supported Oasis over the last 15 years or so,” said pop music expert, Paul Millingsworthy. “The release of Beatles Stereo is saying ‘This is what you would have heard anyway’.” The band has made headlines throughout its history with several members, including the Gallagher brothers themselves, leaving and rejoining at several times and it is not clear if they will reform. “Over the years the Gallagher brothers have behaved increasingly like an unhappy married couple,” said Millingsworthy. “They only really stayed together for the quids.” Much like a divorce, commentators believe the band has now divided up its assets between the parties, with Noel taking the musical, lyrical, vocal and guitar playi...

Enthusiasts for tying children to things were today celebrating another milestone in passive record breaking by arbitrarily young people following the announcement of the country’s youngest “skydiver”. “This really is great news,” said Bill Billingsworth, children binding enthusiast and part time caring parent. “It really shows that there are no limits to what a child can be tied to for the aggrandisement of adult egos.” Tom Hayes, 7, became Britain’s youngest Skydiver when his parents allowed him to be tied to a stranger and flung out of a plane. “This pushes the envelope, previous child tying records of been to inanimate objects at least controlled by responsible family members ,” said Billingsworth. “The minimum age for jumping in the UK is 16 whereas in Slovenia neither the state nor the parents give a shit.” Tom’s sister Lucy was unable to take the record from her brother since she is eight. She had to console herself with being Britain’s youngest female “skydiver”. “Young Lucy sh...

Following news of a Facebook group of some 3000 members where some employees of Currys and PC World call customers “stupid”, it has emerged that there is a customer group of some 60 million members with views on the capability of the employees themselves. “Absolute idiots, worse than trained baboons,” was a comment from several thousand customers of the Aintree branch of PC World. “At least with a baboon you can see the shit it is sending your way before you get the box home and try and plug it in.” “They know bugger all about computers,” continued another comment from two million people in the South East of London who use various Currys branches. “But they can stick anti-virus software and insurance onto your order when you aren’t looking.” DGSi, the parent company of Currys and PC World, has expressed shock at the presence of the Facebook group when news of the activities of former and current employees came to light. “Head office is very upset about the Facebook group,” said Murial ...

The British Prime Minister today affirmed that he would not be dealing with terrorists during an announcement of pursuing a deal with Libya for compensation for IRA terrorism. “I want to be clear that this is not a U-turn, I always intended to keep negotiating whilst not doing any deals,” said the Prime Minister. “At least while the £250,000 box was still in play.” Mr Brown made the announcement after a telephone conversation where his latest poll numbers were revealed to him. “None of my previous changes of direction have been U-turns,” re-iterated the Prime Minister. “After every decision I make the phone rings and based on the number I am told I decide whether or not to continue with my original game-plan. We have done that several times now.” Mr Brown, one of a number of politicians who have taken the 'Walk of Wealth' to Tripoli in recent weeks, denied that there was any link between the pursuit of compensation for victims of terror, the release of terrorists or huge oil an...

The shock waves are reverberating around the world following the announcement that the Parliamentary Private Secretary to the Defence Secretary had resigned citing the strategy being adopted in the war in Afghanistan. Survivors at Westminster, the epicentre of the political explosion, were first to comment. “The resignation of Eric Joyce is a very serious blow to the war office of Gordon Brown,” said Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg. “Joyce was key to assisting the Defence Secretary in assisting the cabinet in assisting the Prime Minister. Key. And what’s more always used to make sure everyone was brought together for leaving presentations and had a slice of cake.” Further afield the news has been received with shock, bewilderment and genuine concern for the future of Britain's role in Afghanistan. “I cannot imagine the Ministry of Defence without Joyce being at the heart of organisation and planning,” said Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “Without her, won't Gordon Brown's...

Conservative leaders across Africa have called for the wildfires in the US state of California to be left to burn uncontrollably as a means of solving the persistent problems affecting the region. “Every year we see the same pictures on television, of homes being destroyed and peoples’ lives ruined by fire,” said Joseph Mebillingsworth a leading political commentator in Ethiopia. “No matter how much money is spent the same thing happens every year.” Many political commentators point to California, and Los Angeles in particular, as having a history of chronic water shortages and wildfires as evidence that the land is unable to sustain the current demands placed on it by ten of millions of immigrants over the last 200 years. “It is clear that the population explosion in California is now unsustainable, forcing people to live close to deadly, dry woodland that can only burst into flames,” said MeBillingsworth. “There are just too many people for the Fire Department of Los Angeles to suppo...

Residents of affluent suburbs the world over were today warned to stay in their homes as middle class areas were consumed by another day of rioting following the news that Ikea had changed its catalogue typeface from Futura to Verdana . “There is carnage everywhere, I can barely bring myself to look and am shuttered in doors shaking,” said Callum Billingsworth, a graphic designer from Camden in London, via Twitter . “Have you seen page 213? They have used red, bold Verdana, for God’s sake.” The same story was repeated the world over. In the Mission area of San Francisco the early morning sun rising across the bay shone on rows of burnt out cars and overturned buses. “It’s worse than the Facebook riots of ’08, and the changed layout,” said one resident who did not wish to be named, since she had not painted her front door to complement her fence. “People were just torching things, and chanting ‘Move this a little bit to the left then!’” In a bid to bring order to a world ripped apart as...

News that Tiger Brewer has, at 8 years old, become the youngest person to be strapped to the wing of a plane has been warmly welcomed by “child-tying-up” enthusiasts around the world. “We are confident that now the sub-ten year old taboo for strapping a child to something has been broken we can perhaps have a crack at the world record for the youngest person to be strapped to a phone box,” said child-tying-up enthusiast, Bill Billingsworth. “Or perhaps strapping them in a car seat using some sort of belt? The exciting possibilities to tie children up to something that is outside of their control anyway are endless.” Tiger Brewer “walked” a total distance of zero feet from his stationary starting position – strapped in a harness in the middle of the wing - watched on by his sisters, Star and Flame. This equals the current best for modern wing walking since the technical variation “Being Strapped To a Plane” replaced the more conventional “Moving About Untethered” that many lay people as...

Fox News shouter, and part time anal surgery enthusiast, Glenn Beck shattered traditional right-wing stereotypes of insularism after announcing that the United States had the finest healthcare in the United States. “Only last year I was complaining about the terrible treatment I received from the shocking healthcare system in this country. When I was paid by CNN,” foamed Mr Beck. “However now that I am paid by Fox I am pleased to say what a turnaround US healthcare has had in just over a year!. Now it is star-spangled banneringly brilliant. The US has the best healthcare system in the country.” Mr Beck, famous for responding to his own contradictions was responding to comments he made in 2008 after undergoing life threatening bum-hole surgery that sadly went wrong. He survived. Controversy has raged across America after a few people suggested that it might be quite a good idea for the richest country in the world to let a few less of its own citizens die by providing a greater access t...

Katie Price’s PR firm, Orange Bandwagon, has announced that the glamour model, known as Jordan, has “so totally, absolutely got that Swine Flu that’s in the papers”. Medical experts are said to be deeply concerned now that the previously harmless Swine Flu virus, having now contracted Katie Price, could mutate into a much more deadly sickness that could sweep through the nation. “Our first analysis would be that symptoms would include the development of huge, unsightly swellings on the chest and the ability to project caustic venom like something out of the film Alien,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. The government said that there was genuine reason to be alarmed as, whilst unlikely to be fatal, the virus could cause people to completely lose all sense of shame. Due to increases in bodily temperature sufferers will also be unable to keep their faces out of a trough of Champagne. Or their vaginas away from fans. Not everyone is fearing the spread of this toxic, vomit-inducing ma...

Remembering footballing legend Sir Bobby Robson, the nation’s newspapers today mark the occasion by reproducing some of their most memorable quotes from his career that they littered with abuse and even accusations of treachery. “’In the name of God, Go!’” was one of our headlines from a few years back,” said Harry Billingsworth, thirsty football hack and Donkey Porn aficionado at The Sun. “That was when Robson was at his best for us journalists.” Pundits were not always so one sided in their treatment of an England manager too much of a gentleman to hit back. Indeed a different approach was taken when England drew with Saudi Arabia. “Both us at the Super-Soaraway Sun and those guys at The Daily Mirror changed our approach significantly after that,” said Billingsworth. “We went with ‘In the name of Allah, Go!”.” Over time the press came to further modify its approach to an England manager that many consider the most successful ever, taking England to a narrow defeat in a Word Cup semi-...

The National Pandemic Flu website and helpline were today said to be receiving normal levels of calls now that the nations’ journalists had stopped phoning up with fake symptoms and had moved on to discussing the location of Michael Jackson's nose. “The service peaked shortly after it was launched with some 2,600 journalists using the website each second,” said a spokesman for the NHS. “It takes each journalist four or five goes through the flowchart to then be prescribed the Tamiflu they don't need and it was this that caused an overload on the service.” In addition to the website traffic the helpline received a further 10,000 calls from journalists impatient at a trial-and-error approach to the computer's questions and were hoping to be able to charm a call-centre worker - who has only had basic training - into agreeing to release one more pack of medication for a very weak strain of flu, just in case. “This whole system is a complete sham,” said TV reporter Tessa Billing...

London's Docklands Light Railway service is to introduce new premium sections in the hope of attracting more affluent travellers to coincide with the increase in capacity being offered by the planned “three car” project. “The economy is improving. I think. I mean what with Goldman Sachs staff getting some £3bn in pay and bonuses,” said Jack Billingsworth, spokesman for Docklands Light Railway. “These city types getting on at Bank want to travel in comfort on the long-haul 30 minute run as far as Island Gardens – we don't expect any will travel south of the river on the new City Twat Express.” The new business service will be introduced at the start of 2010 to occupy the new third carriage being added to the DLR trains. “The clientèle will be young city bankers keen to spunk their bonuses on anything that makes them look successful, or at least like a smug bastard,” said Billingsworth. “The new seats will costs £4,500 return, which we believe compares very well with the comparab...

The board of Marks & Spencer was today reeling from an onslaught of complaints made during the company's Annual General Meeting that its shoes make middle-aged women weighing over 18 stone look unattractive. “I shop with my daughter, since we are both big boned and can only see each others' feet,” said Irene Billingsworth, shopping with her daughter, Jean. “No matter which pair we tried on, we both felt that none of them made us look like size 10 models.” Marks and Spencer said that they were convinced that they had a wide range of shoes in their stores and that they attempted to provide stylish footwear for all. “But, frankly, they are shoes, if you are wearing a size 20 dress you need a hall of mirrors to look good,” said a spokesman. “We sell shoes not bloody miracles.” Shareholders also complained that the range of clothing on offer for shoppers who know where the escalators are, but not the stairs, was not flattering enough. They point to other retailers, such as Evan...