Surreal Scoop

Across the country politicians are expressing outrage at the unprecedented revelation that members of one political party were planning a dirty tricks campaign against its rivals in a scandal that may damage the electorate’s faith in politicians forever. "We have only had politics for a few months now and look, already it is being turned to crap," said a first time commenter in an internet discussion forum. "In the weeks that I have been following the news I have never once heard about politicians spreading rumours about each other – who do I complain to so this will be stopped?" Several tabloid newspapers have joined in the outrage and have devoted what remains of their in-house journalism capabilities to cover what has been dubbed as "Downing-Street-email-address-used-to-discuss-spreading-rumours-and-innuendo-for-a-new-innuendo-and-rumour-website-gate" "Never before in British political history has someone working for one party – Now Labour isn’t it...

This weekend the official news agency of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea announced that it had successfully launched a rocket deploying a satellite into orbit. "The glorious rocket launch gloriously launched a satellite into orbit from where we are receiving patriotic signals and news that our glorious leader, Kim Jong-Il, is returning from having set foot on Jupiter," said a spokesman for the North Korean government. "The Dear Leader is returning to glorious North Korea having had a summit meeting with his father, the Great Leader, in the Great Red Spot of revolution on Jupiter and inspecting the people’s glorious new bouffant wig production facility on Io." The United States and South Korea however dispute the success of the mission, claiming that the 5 year round trip to Jupiter was unlikely to have been completed in a weekend and that the rocket instead crashed into the Pacific Ocean. It also added that Kim Jong-il’s father, Kim Il-sung died in 1994. ...

An urgent review is being undertaken into the process for MPs expenses following the news that the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, claimed reimbursement for "Additional Features" on her Virgin Media bill that are a euphemism for adult movies. "What could be worse for a feminist Labour politician than to be caught claiming expenses for blue movies?" said a party insider. "One of them is believed to be a video of Mrs Thatcher’s party conference speech of 1980." With the ongoing furore over expenses becoming ever more ardent, Ms Smith is said to feel great relief from fellow cabinet members coming to hand and pledging to stand firm with her. "I, like my fellow MPs, don’t know which pornography we can claim for and which we cannot," said Foreign Secretary David Miliband "This is why we are having a review. The system needs to be more transparent so that we know what the taxpayer will pay on behalf of their upstanding members." Friends say tha...

Reality TV character Jade Goody, who sadly died today, is now poised for an assault on the posthumous tabloid records held by the late Diana, Princess of Wales. As Goody’s team plans her challenge we look at the contenders and talk to the key members of their teams for the upcoming season. Jade Goody "Essex Princess":- The challenger and posthumously titled "Essex Princess" has had a much shorter career than her more established opponent. A meteoric rise to stardom found her representing Essex on the world stage. Having set new standards for the people of the county to aspire to she took the Essex way of life to a whole new market in India. Her widower, Jack Tweed also showed how to bring curfews and ankle tags from the south of East Angular to living rooms the world over. During a short career she has made the pages of Heat and OK! and shelves full of TV magazines her own, but will it be enough? "People criticised our preparation for this fight, saying that ou...

The nation is still trying to absorb the shocking revelation from the Sunday Express that the surviving schoolchildren from the Dunblane massacre in 1996 have grown up into annoying, foul-mouthed, lustful teenagers - just like millions of their peers. "Their web pages, blogs and so on are filled with swearing, stories of drinking and even sex," said Harry Billingsworth former high-profile Donkey Porn star who has recently admitted to being a journalist at Express newspapers. "They are filled with things that you would not want your wife, or your servants, to read." The Sunday Express – the World's Greatest Newspaper set in the 1950s – highlighted how several of the children have not spent every waking moment of the last thirteen years waking screaming from nightmares, pining for lost ones nor writing angst ridden poetry of the loss of their childhood friends. Indeed the newspaper's findings reveal that they are interested in the same things that every other ...

Police are investigating allegations that a fan of Manchester United football club was punched in the face by the manager of Inter Milan, Jose Mourinho, after the Italian club’s Champions’ League defeat. "We can confirm we are investigating an incident involving between a fan and a visiting Portuguese gentleman that occurred in the vicinity of Old Trafford stadium," said a spokesman for Greater Manchester Police. "It is an investigation complicated by the fact that Manchester United fans have been ‘asking for it’ for quite some time." The fan, who has not been identified but allegedly comes from Surrey, or Bristol or some other suburb of Manchester and is said to have supported the Red Devils since football began in 1992. "United are a side likely to attract this level of animosity being the most successful team in the history of football," said Sterling Billingsworth, Sky Sports football historian. "They have won 10 of the 16 top flight titles since ...

The police have launched an investigation into the incident in which green custard was thrown into the face of business secretary, Lord Mandelson. "We are deeply concerned by this incident," said Detective Superintendent Hugh Billingsworth of the Metropolitan Police. "We want to know why only custard? Why not hammers, or a cat that has just been dunked into a bucket of water?" The Metropolitan Police have been making inquiries amongst various pressure groups and known agitators to understand the reasoning behind the attack. "The attack was of a very puerile and unsophisticated nature," said Billingsworth. "I mean what about a slinky made out of razor wire? Or a hot McDonald’s apple pie?" Pressure groups have moved to distance themselves form the green custard attack, allegedly launched by environmental campaigner Leila Deen over the business secretary’s support for a third runaway at Heathrow airport. "I would have gone for an angry badger m...

The age of criminal responsibility in Scotland is to be raised to 12 to bring it into line with other parts of the EU and give Scottish children extra years to improve their criminal behaviour and decide if they have a future in the crime industry. "For too long now the wee scum of Scotland have had their collars felt at the age of 8, thus depriving them of several formative years as apprentice thieves and murderers," said Kenny McBillingsworth of the SNP. "Now they can have a few year’s extra practice looting and mugging before they are jailed for the first time – giving them a chance to develop their skills for later in life." The move has been welcomed by tourism groups, who argue that it would improve Scotland’s culture and image around the world, with a consequential impact on employment in the region. "After a life of cheap cider-fuelled crime and thuggery, the reputation for aggression enjoyed by your average Scotch child is of world renown making them i...

Friends and former colleagues of pin-stripe pirate Sir Fred "Frankly" Goodwin said today that the incompetent banker was furious that details of his £16m pension fund had been leaked into the public domain. "Fred is livid, absolutely livid, that his enormous piss-take has been revealed to the public," said a friend. "He had hoped that it would be announced sometime around the new financial year. It is terrible to deprive a pensioner of the fun of this year’s April Fool’s day and taking the piss out of the British public." Sir Fred complained that the details of his £650,000 a year pension, for life, from the bank in the worst shape of all due to the policies he was responsible for do not take into account how the pension fund has built up over the years. "My pension has not really changed since the original piss-take I started in 1998 when I joined the group. That is a decade of taking the piss at RBS," said cash enthusiast Sir Fred. "Nor d...

The government tonight announced a new plan to raise extra bail-out money without further burdening hard pressed taxpayers. The news came in response to requests from the financial services and car manufacturing industries for additional finance to shield them from the free-market capitalism that they no longer wish to take part in, once it transpired that they were rubbish at it. "We have sunk billions of taxpayer’s gold into the banks, and now need help to break their blockade on lending, Hence we need an infusion of cash from people who have no trouble raising money, Somali Pirates," said the Chancellor of the Exchequer in a statement to the Commons. "This arrangement will reduce the burden on the taxpayer and improve the integrity and ethics of the financial system." Mr Darling was quizzed by MPs whether it was prudent to do business with an untrustworthy group, driven by their own greed who had a disregard for the rule of law, and responded that he had realised...

Bosses at Lloyds TSB responded to criticism of their intention to pay staff bonuses, following the announcement that the group has lost nearly £11bn, by announcing a comprehensive review focussing on staff remuneration. "We have instigated a high priority project, Project Trough, which will outline a new pay scheme for our bank-staff, rewarding only those that have really screwed the maximum out of each customer," said Sir Leonard Billingsworth, CFO of Lloyds Banking Group. "I mean really screwed them. It is important we hold onto those people. When the project completes there will be big bonuses for all involved. Really huge ones if it should complete even remotely on-time!" The wide ranging project will be structured to ensure that shareholders in the bank can clearly see exactly how salaries and bonuses are distributed. "Right at the heart of Project Trough will be several 'Pay Investigation Groups' composed of staff from all levels," explained ...

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is to stop attending football matches after yet again being unable to view the action on the pitch. Previously Mr Wenger had complained about the visibility at Arsenal's Emirates stadium but has now vowed to watch all matches, home and away, from the comfort of his own sofa. "I have been unable to see any of the action for years," said Wenger after Arsenal's goalless draw with London rivals Tottenham Hotspur. "The only action in the Spurs game was Emmanuel Eboue's sending off, and I couldn't see it because someone stood up in front of me." The diminutive Mr Wenger, 6ft 4in, said he has long struggled to see games, often missing the key moments involving his player's lack of discipline and has repeatedly asked for a booster cushion, or perhaps a step-ladder, to be installed in the Arsenal dugout. Arsenal said that they believed the long-standing issues of Mr Wenger being able to see anything that happens on the pitch ...

Teenagers up and down the country are bemoaning a new fad of reading out loud that seems to be sweeping through the senior citizen population. With half-term approaching it is feared that this behaviour could drive more and more teenagers from the buses and force them to walk all the way to the nearest Gregg’s pasty shop. "It’s, like, so, like, rude. Innit?" said Chardonnay, 14 from Plumstead in South London. "We is like on the 96, right? Few of us girls. Innit? And we are trying to listen to Shabney’s music. She got the volume right up on her phone but we don’t hear, like, nothin’ ‘cos of, like, some old dear at the, back, reading aloud some rubbish about a bitches’ Detective Agency in Africa." The phenomena is seen to be the latest step in anti-social behaviour on public transport and something else that delay-weary passengers must contend with. "It really is quite terrible now," said one middle-aged commuter who didn’t want to be named "When I have...

Today the CBI commended members of the teaching profession for single-handedly turning around the ailing retail economy leading to one of the best start to February in recent years. "The keenness with which thousands of Head Teachers up and down the land are able to seek out a snowflake and the speed with which they can close a school has brought a welcome boost to the Shopping Centres of the nation," said Sir Digby Billingsworth of the CBI. "Their dedication to leisure is a great boon to hard pressed retailers whose shops are now full of teachers." "You can’t move for teachers at the moment," said a Starbucks employee at one of their outlets in the Bluewater shopping centre in Kent. "They are sitting here with travel brochures out planning what to do with their ten weeks holiday." The National Union of Teacher’s defended its members’ decisions to close schools saying that no one took them lightly, but that it was in the best interests to close t...

The latest survey into childhood has concluded that it is a lot harder to be a child today than for previous generations, an experience echoed by a great number of children interviewed today, when they should have been at school. "Like, in the olden days right, it was a lot easier. Space Invaders, yeah, how easy was that? It ain’t ‘Gears of War’, innit?" said Maria Billingsworth, Director of the Children’s society. The report said that even though today’s children had better education, health and more possessions you really couldn’t tell from the way they behaved. "Better education. What does that mean? Oh, I knew that. Well school is boring innit?" said, Calum, 12. "All the computers, right, they’re, like, well locked down so you can’t get to YouTube or nothing. No porn gets through either. We can’t learn nothing." The Children’s Society said that the little darlings, whilst not having to work at an early age like many generations before, nor go hungry, w...

Nurse Caroline Billingsworth was suspended in December after a patient she was visiting objected to the offer of a prayer to aid in her recovery and having a local Shaman visit to boost her juju. "She was very, very caring," said Belinda Worthing, 70, a patient from North Somerset. "But I really didn't fancy her offer of having a goat slaughtered and its entrails read on my kitchen table." Nurse Billingsworth says she puts great faith in an otherworldly supreme presence that is doing amazing things in her life and she is keen to offer assistance to help patients with their recovery. "Of course I normally start with a simple prayer," said Billingsworth. "However once you have opened Pandora's Mumbo-Jumbo box, then why stop at Christianity? Several of my patients welcome the attention of a West African witch-doctor and having their diagnosis confirmed by a throw of his Sheep Knuckles." According to the complaint filed with the local NHS Tru...

The government’s newly announced policy to ensure every home in the UK has access to broadband Internet services will hasten the day when the entire country is filled with screaming morons hell bent on abusing each other and themselves into frothy-mouthed oblivion. "Britain already has a large number of abusive web-surfers that lead the world in swearing content creation," said Culture Secretary Andy Burnham in his statement to the commons. "We need an infrastructure capable of preparing Britain to compete with the multi-phobic insanity that will increasingly be served up by the international Internet community. How else can everything be blamed on the gays?" The government is concerned that, whilst Britain’s online community can hold its own in the all-out self-abuse stakes, the future will be about spreading conspiracies by online video generation. This is an area in which the paranoia-fuelled xenophobia of US Internet users currently excels. "We need lots of...

Yes, for those of us that regularly use a toilet and whilst sitting there wish to read a satire on many aspects of are lives, or at least how we used to live last year, then this really is what you have been waiting for - The World As It Should be - Volume III . Nestling within this book, designed especially for the smallest room are 160 warm and absorbent pages of news satire covering politics, crime, technology, celebrity, journalism, health. In fact all of the things you see in the category cloud on the right of this very page! For those of you, your majesty, that of course sit on throne for entirely different reasons, this book is also perfect for those trips on the royal train. For those lucky people who never actually go to the toilet, supermodels that normally throw-up their food for example, it is also perfect for bus journeys. For those of you who have abandoned paper, there is an electronic version to download to your portable device and read in the loo. Personally I think ...

The British Medical Journal today published an article describing the newly identified condition known as "publicist’s balls". The news comes after the revelation that the medical condition called "cello scrotum" is in fact a hoax dating back to the 1970s. "There are millions of sufferers of "publicist’s balls" in the UK, and the complaint is growing," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, a maverick behavioural scientist currently serving 6 months in Broadmore . "The condition is spread mainly from marketing departments and is often carried in product advertisements masquerading as the publication of survey results." Medical professionals say that some of the worst cases of the condition are in the beauty industry in which there is normally a fresh outbreak of "publicist’s balls" every week. "It seems that the condition breeds rapidly within the warm, moist and unchallenging environment of women’s magazines," ...

The world’s leading source of news from Rupert Murdoch today slipped a press release out from under the BBC’s protective skirts and admitted that it wasn’t prepared to show the Gaza appeal for humanitarian aid either. "Sky News has reviewed the DEC appeal and can confirm that there is nothing in it about Rupert Murdoch or his interests," said a spokesman for Sky News. "This is a question of being absolutely impartial in our output and we simply aren’t." The announcement was met with headlines and opinion from other News Corporation sources, a selection are given below:- "Israeli attack on Gaza - undamaged Murdoch empire requires no aid" - The Times "Gaza residents - Free Sky Plus box with every dish installed on your rubble." – The Sun "BBC boobs reveals Sky’s tits" – News of the World Sky took its decision like the responsible broadcaster it pretends to be by featuring reports on the BBC’s decision not to show the appeal and by loading...