Surreal Scoop

Victor Billingsworth, an enthusiastic club runner from Hemel Hempstead today completed the London Marathon in an elaborate costume of running singlet, shorts and trainers, much to the amazement of the millions of spectators that lined the route. "I couldn’t believe what I was seeing," said Jane from Colchester. "The children said that there was a funny man on the course and when I looked I was astonished not to see him in a dress, a Storm Trooper outfit or in a Womble suit." Mr Billingsworth said that he had wanted to stand out from the thousands of charity runners taking part and wanted to be sure to be seen by friends and family who had come to support him. "It is probably the most difficult part of your pre-race preparation," said Victor after he completed the course in a personal best 3 hours and forty-four minutes. "You spend weeks trying on different outfits to get the right look. In the end I went for a red running vest. My friends thought I wa...

The crisis hit economy of Zimbabwe was further rocked today with the news that sheets of A4 photocopier paper were now trading at over Zim$600,000 each. Even in a country used to rampant inflation and shortages of even the most basic of foodstuffs the news has shocked people at all levels of society. “I had never really believed my country was in such a mess until I had an emergency need to copy some documents,” said office worker Robert Mugabe from Harare. “I have hundreds of thousands of ballot papers to photocopy in a hurry.” As is so often the case with such economic troubles it is those that can afford it least that are hit the hardest. “I have personally had to beat several civil servants until they gave over their stocks of paper,” said Mr Mugabe. “If the paper prices stay at this level it will mean complete disaster for the UN food-aid budget, if I can get my hands on it.” There are concerns that should the crisis in the cost of paper continue over the next few days it might le...

Inspired by the £60,000 sales price for a first edition of JRR Tolkein’s ‘The Hobbit’, a collector in Solihull has revealed details of a collection of hand-written manuscripts by the author. "I found it in an old tea chest of oddments I bought at a car boot sale in Oxford," said retired market trader ‘Sailor’ Harry Billingsworth. "I didn’t realise it could possibly be so important as it just seemed to be a bit of whimsical nonsense about fairies or something." The manuscript is an early draft of Tolkein’s famous ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy although in its hand-written form and under an earlier title of ‘Swords and Things’. "Clearly he is just getting to grips with his saga. The setting isn’t in the majestic middle-earth, for instance, " explained Billingsworth. "’Swords’ is set in Middlesborough." Mr Billingsworth explained that the cast of characters was also very different from the litany of Orcs and Wizards we have come to know so well over th...

Delia Smith, the world's leading television cook, has announced plans to release a follow up to her latest book 'How to Cheat at Cooking' which has become another of the author’s phenomenally successful guides for the novice chef. The TV cook says that she came up with the idea for a series of 'cheating' books shortly after her tired and emotional appearance during the half-time break at the Norwich City versus Manchester City game in 2005. After a spirited first half supporting a lacklustre performance from the club in which she is a majority shareholder, Norwich, she took to the microphone and appealed to "the best football supporters in the world: we need a 12th man here. Where are you? Where are you? Let's be having you! Come on!" "Obviously I had been supporting the lads hard from the director’s box. When I wrestled the microphone from the club announcer I was so sure they could make more noise because I could see double the official attendan...

Scientists have revealed details of the means of operation of the so-called 'fat gene' and its interrelationships with other proteins within the DNA chain. The identification of the gene, known by its genetic identifiers as LRDY, is seen as a breakthrough for millions of sufferers whose bodies are unable to naturally regulate their pie intake. "The benefits of this large body of research into people's susceptibility to LRDY are numerous. We hope to be able to offer a genetic therapy which can be administered by injection, or orally in say a chocolate milkshake," said the leader of the research team, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Not only that but during the research we collected enough free burger tokens to keep the population of Glasgow fed for at least 10 minutes. We have about a billion tokens." The researchers say that those desperate for a reason to cancel their gym membership should check for symptoms which include a compulsion to queue outsid...

Fidel Castro, the leader of the Cuban revolution and president of the Caribbean communist outpost, today announced that he would be stepping down to pursue other opportunities. “Fidel has been our glorious leader for nearly half a century but, at the age of 81 feels that he has achieved all he can in Cuba,” said his younger brother, and de facto president, Raul Castro. “He was very interested by the glorious move of the government of Comrade Brown in the UK to take a whole capitalist-pig-dog bank into the ownership of the proletariat.” Sources close to the legendary firebrand communist say that Fidel feels that Cuba has grown weak and almost bourgeois, having not been invaded by the US for over 40 years. “He remembers the glory days during the revolution. We had to sleep rough on a hillside, cooking wild dogs on the remnants of hot coals and drinking the anti-freeze from captured government trucks,” said the younger Castro of his brother. “This is why he feels that there is work for hi...

HRH Prince William was said to be deeply upset at having missed out on another chance at combat, having left a drinking den just hours before a fight broke out at a Cornwall night-club. "He is gutted," said a drinking pal. "This is the second time he has missed out on some fighting after not being sent to Iraq." In a bizarre repetition of the events that culminated in the Ministry of Defence refusing to deploy the future King into a role for which he had spent many months training, Prince William once again saw all his efforts at preparation for the conflict in the pub in Newquay come to nought as security staff ushered him outside before trouble broke out. "He'd spent several hours getting into the right frame of mind. His group had downed dozens of shots. He was prepared like any squaddie in a pub," said the pal. "At anyone time they had a stockpile of a dozen glass bottles lined up on the table, ready to go." The Prince is said to be frust...

In a surprise move the legal team representing Sir Paul McCartney has offered to resolve the differences between him and former wife Heather Mills under sharia law. "Clearly this whole sorry affair has been going on long enough and so Sir Paul feels that it can be brought to a swifter conclusion by the application of fundamentalist Islamic rulings," said Irene Billingsworth, representing the former Beatle. Heather Mills, who is representing herself at the current rational hearing, is believed to be considering the offer and will respond in the next couple of days, once she has hired a man to speak on her behalf. The proposal would see Miss Mills receive a substantial monetary settlement before she is stoned to death in a public ceremony at the holy site of the Abbey Road recording studios. The Archbishop of Canterbury, who today launched a new range of Church of England vestments based on the burka, welcomed the news as confirmation of the theme of his recent speech entitled ...

The loose collective of nations known as the 'Axis Of Evil' has announced plans for enlargement from the founding three members of Iraq, Iran and North Korea, to bring other states under its political umbrella. "We were forged, from what most people thought was just a poor piece of ridiculously simplistic imagery of a world that didn't exist, into states that six years later are right at the heart of the world's political and indeed cultural life," said Ofdad Billingjani, the group's spokesman. The group says that it's economic and cultural model has captured the imaginations of the world and wants to make this available to other like minded countries. "A decade ago, before the formation of the AOE, our three founding members were pariah states, shunned by the world, with little political or economic power. Today two of the member states are boasting nuclear capability!" explained Mr Billingjani. "Barely a day goes by without a mention o...

Giles Billingsworth, one of the leading lights of television shopping, was today celebrating landing one of the prized jobs in his industry when he was confirmed as the face of "Alan's 'lectrics" in the Camden Lock market. "It was a great opportunity that I simply could not pass-up," said Mr Billingsworth of his new appointment. "You know you work hard all those years knocking out pots and pans and embroidery sets at 2am, this makes it all worthwhile." Giles, recently voted 23rd in a poll of housewives favourite camp presenters, said that there was fierce competition in the tele-shopping industry to land such career enhancing roles. "TV shopping is great, but there is more to the true craft than talking to a producer who is pretending to be a caller gushing about a set of tea-towels," said Billingsworth. ""Everyone is trying to get that high-profile role at the front of the stall, dealing with real people directly and tackling r...

Sitting, perched on the barstool, Reginald Billingsworth does not outwardly give the impression of a man ruined by a public love affair that spans the globe. Calmly sipping his pint of mild, Billingsworth looks but a percentage of his 58 years: his comb-over receives frequent preening, he frequently sweeps the pork scratching crumbs from the cardigan covering over his paunch. "It really is outrageous you know, it's political correctness gone mad." says Reginald. His eyes are a bit red and bloodshot, but whether it is from emotion or the jet lag of his flight from Australia, he is not saying. What he does say is that the world is not only mad, but no longer a place for young, athletic, red-blooded males. "It seems everywhere, not just England, not even just Salford, is pandering to women these days," he says with thinly disguised bitterness. "All I did was rush to the assistance of a woman and express my feelings for her and I get deported. Not only that but...

MPs will today vote on a Private Member's Bill regarding future accommodation for the Mother of Parliaments as the Palace of Westminster faces a highly disruptive period of maintenance. Analysts believe the new temporary offices are likely to be overseas. The timing is thought to be especially favourable for many MPs now that the parliamentary Standards and Privileges Committee has woken up to exactly how much public money finds it’s way to the family members of some MPs. "I have asked many MPs and taken some advice from my accountant and all are very much in favour of moving the House of Commons to the British Virgin Islands," said Tory MP, Derek Conway. "It is a shame I am having to stand down over my financial dealings, as it would open up a lot of opportunities for my constituents in Old Bexley and Sidcup who have not yet worked in an overseas tax-haven. Such as my wife and sons." MPs are concerned about the possible disruption caused by even a temporary mov...

Today global markets were reacting positively to the United States Federal Reserves second dramatic drop in interest rates in as many weeks. On the other hand, possibly to the cute dog that was running around the smoking garden at one brokerage. Trader’s moods on Wall Street fluctuated as they digested the latest statement from Fed Boss Ben Bernanke and some of the latest performance indicators coming out of the construction sector. However the Dow Jones ended the day rising sharply after a group of traders watched the "Evolution of Dance" video on YouTube . Market experts such as Callum Billingsworth, 20, Chief Economist with analysts Smith, Smithie and Smythe Associates, have to deal with hundreds of pieces of economic data and statistical reports, to determine the direction the market will take. "This stock here is being traded heavily and the price is rising right. That is because the market thinks that the latest news regarding inflation will increase retail foot-fa...

Leading members of the physics community working on the latest Cold Fusion Hoax today revealed that they are at least 2 years behind schedule. "We plan to have a cold fusion story in the newspapers every 15 to 20 years or so," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth , consultant media scientist to the energy group leading the research. "However it takes quite some time to put together a crack team of credulous tabloid journalists with a C at GCSE chemistry, and this Hoax is going to have to be more sophisticated than it's predecessors, now that the special effects on Dr. Who are so good." The Cold Fusion Hoax is the Holy Grail of science reporters up and down the land who are keen to file thousands of words of copy with scientific looking diagrams, references to Star Trek and pictures of the 'Mr Fusion' from Back to the Future. Stories can endlessly be written about limitless clean power, the return to poverty of the Arabs, Bluebirds wheeling through a per...

The world of professional football was plunged into chaos today after two harlots defied paid contracts to keep quiet about their casual sex with international swordsman Ashley Cole. “It really has shocked players all over the country. They are used to big money contracts, and they expect these slags to honour their deals and keep quiet,” said a spokesman for the Professional Footballer's Association. “What worries our members even more is the inevitable tabloid puns about their unimpressive tackle.” The PFA said the interest of it's members would be aroused by any humorous references to whether or not Ashley could keep going for the full 90 minutes and his commitment at both ends. Whilst he is renowned for his prowess at the back, there is likely to be some speculation as to the elevation he gets on his balls. Reports are likely to climax with his technique up front and his determination to keep probing, prodding and pressing to gain penetration of the box. Mr Cole, who plays ...

Former Work and Pensions and Wales Secretary, Peter Hain has resigned his cabinet positions after the nature of his deputy leadership campaign donations were referred to the Metropolitan Police. "It is only right and proper that I step down from my cabinet positions to focus on clearing my name," said Mr Hain. "To do that I first need to clear the huge piles of cash out of my office. Everywhere I look there seems to be more of the stuff, huge crates of cash." Mr Hain said that any claims he has anything to hide are "absurd" amid the controversy over the late declaration of £103,000 of donations. "How can I hide anything? We are talking about thousands of notes!" said Mr Hain speaking animatedly among a hail of bank notes that fluttered out of his suit. The Westminster political village was alive with rumour and innuendo regarding the shadowy Progressive Policies Forum - one of the key contributors which appears to have only been set-up within wee...

22,500 police officers yesterday marched through central London as part of their demonstration against the pay policy of the Labour government. The march was stewarded by some 400 members of the National Union of Mineworkers. "Clearly a demonstration of this magnitude needed to be carefully policed, but not by the police who were the ones protesting. Fortunately we were able to call upon people with experience of past demonstrations involving the police, former miners, " said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. "Many of them have extensive experience of demonstrations with the police going back as far as 1984." One such steward, Arthur 50 from Orgreave in Yorkshire, said that he was happy to get some extra money and in many ways supported his former foes in their quest for a backdated pay increase. "It’s a nice change to be here, getting some money out of a demonstration, rather than a truncheon around my head and a kick up the arse from one of the police horses,...

A new range of satellite navigation systems has been launched which are capable of providing car drivers with directions to their nearest Starbucks coffee shop as well as optional directions for non-coffee purposes and data about traffic jams, speed-cameras and accident black spots. "Today it is more important than ever that motorists have the security of knowing where their nearest opportunity for some overpriced frothy milk is," said Austin Billingsworth of the RAC. The new systems also integrate into a car's vehicle management system to provide emergency warnings in the event that the driver has not stopped for the suggested 15 minutes and had a caramel-Macchiato with cream every three hours of driving. It will also sound an alarm if the amount of fuel remaining is insufficient to get the driver to the nearest Starbucks, warning if the only coffee available is from a petrol station vending machine. "We think this service will help cut down on road rage incidents,...

They are the new 'must have' items that are sweeping across the United States of America where a religious gift company from Tennessee has produced a new range of globes featuring the "American Worldview". The globes have not only been a surprise sales success but are gaining endorsements from schools and religious groups across the United States of America. "Parents and schools from coast to coast are trying to give children the correct view of the world and we think our product, the United Globe of America, fits that market," said a spokesman for 'Balls to the World Incorporated'. The new globe is available in a range of sizes, shows the American world-view, and has been endorsed by religious groups across fourteen southern states of the USA. "The people of this country, this great country, God's country, as foretold by scripture, have long been done a terrible disservice by the so-called map-makers. They have filled our schools with books...

After years of continual sniping at contemporary music, movies and television, 77 year old Alistair Billingsworth has finally admitted that there is nothing in today's culture that he likes. Mr Billingsworth made the announcement during the Christmas period when some family members wanted to watch programmes on channels other than ITV3. "Catherine Tate – rubbish, utter rubbish, just like that Little Britain, it's just the same jokes over and over again." he said. "The Two Ronnies was on all day on ITV3. I had seen it the 70s of course, but that was why I wanted to watch them. New stuff such as that ‘Extras’ is bound to be just people talking. It’s not funny unless a fat man dresses up as a woman. And sings." After watching over 16 hours of the Two Ronnies over Christmas Eve and into Christmas Day including the same episode on 3 occasions, Alistair relented and let his grandchildren watch the hit movie Shrek 2. "That was rubbish as well, it didn't ha...