Surreal Scoop

Today, to mark the tenth anniversary of the tragic deaths of 31st August 1997, a series of commemorative events will be held across the world as people from all walks of life remember a lonely figure, chased by paparazzi in the seconds before death. One of the key events will be a candlelit vigil at the Pont d’Alma tunnel in Paris, the site of the car accident that claimed the life of someone who in death has become even more famous and controversial than in life. In Paris and London special services will be held to mark the passing of Henri Paul. Mr. Paul, whose death sparked an extended period of mourning in Britain, in France and around the world will be remembered in a special tribute by his employer at the time, Mohammed Al-Fayed. Mr Al-Fayed, who has maintained over the years since Henri Paul’s death, that his chauffer was killed by a secret service plot sponsored by the Duke of Edinburgh, will be determined to lead the high profile media events marking the anniversary. Mourners ...

The effects of the lightening strike called yesterday by the Prison Officers’ Association has tainted the image of the Prison Service with the strike's effect on many of its most loyal customers. “It really wasn’t what I had come to expect from the Prison Service,” said Tony ‘The Spanner’ , a regular resident who has had several stays at Her Majesty’s pleasure over the last two decades. “When I arranged my stay, by assaulting and robbing a shopkeeper, I expected that I would be catered for by experienced and professional staff,” said Tony. “However today, with this strike action, the Prison Service has been shocking.” Governors had a skeleton staff and instituted lockdown procedures. At HMP Walton in Liverpool, where Tony is currently staying, this meant that not only were prisoners restricted to their cells but lost other privileges. “I expected my lunch to be around one o’clock with the rest of the lads,” said Tony. “You can imagine my annoyance at having to wait until three in t...

It has been revealed that the astronomical community has become dismayed at the level of coverage it is receiving in the mainstream media and highlights the dearth of coverage surrounding the latest breakthroughs in imaging the planet Uranus. “Frankly we expected at least the Daily Star and The Sun to lead with some sort of pun regarding 'Rings around Uranus'” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth . “Really it was quite disappointing. We made the discoveries in January, but held the announcement over to the quiet summer 'Silly Season' especially for the tabloids, but there wasn't even a mention.” Scientists have long claimed that media interest in their progress focusses on their torturing of small defenceless animals, or perhaps Frankensteinian references to the latest batch of killer tomatoes rampaging across our countryside. “Really, that is all we get nowadays. We have eradicated terrible diseases, extended life expectancy, brought the universe into our liv...

Campaigners who are fed up with what they say is constant negative stereo-typing of the overweight have launched a new on-line campaign to publicise their claim that being a 'person of size' and physically active are not mutually exclusive. "For too long people of size have been told by the conspiracy of so-called 'Doctors', 'fitness instructors' and the paramedics and firemen - that assist us when we pass out in shopping centres or get stuck in escalators - that our weight is a problem," said Michaela Billingsworth. "That is why we have launched 'Fit and Fat’ to spread the truth, that we don’t all have to be Lance Armstrong. People of size are as fit as they need to be." The campaign is based around a YouTube channel were members can share their success stories through video diaries and give each other training and diet tips. "We are leveraging the power of the Internet to help the 'FAF' community fight back against all thos...

Chief Executive Steve Jobs today announced the latest in Apple's range of consumer products. The product itself has typically been shrouded in some secrecy, although industry watchers had been following rumours circulating on the internet that company executives have found it difficult to cope after the climax of their iPhone hype. “Our company, with its proud track record of producing the technological equivalent of old wine in new bottles, can now reveal the latest in technological marketing,” said Mr Jobs. “With our latest product we hope to push the envelope of gadget hype with the iGimmick and prove the strength of the Apple brand.” Technology analysts today praised the innovation from Apple saying it was the natural evolution for the brand experience in long gestation, high desirability products such as the iPod, the iPhone and the much heralded Apple TV. Marketing analysts said it was pure genius of the company, to make the announcement when the product was only a name. “App...

A long serving member of the British National Party has declared that he is now confused as to the plethora of choices on offer for his hate and how the changes in society mean that he isn't sure who is 'like us' and who isn't. “When I was growing up, in the 1920s and 30s, it was fairly straightforward,” said Archie Billingsworth, 86. “I worry about the younger members as nowadays it is much more confusing as to who are the acceptable immigrants. I am too old to hate everyone.” The pre-war years saw Britain as a nearly homogeneous society. The slums, tenements and desperate working conditions in factories were endured by the same ethnicity that was exploiting them. The prisons full of home grown murderers and rapists. “There was only the Irish to hate,” he said. “We just had to make do with that and you had to be a lot more creative with your discrimination since they, by and large, are just like us.” Archie said that later, with the influx of immigrants from the Caribb...

A storm has broken over the campaign of Hillary Clinton for US President when it emerged last night that Mrs Clinton does not have a penis. A college friend who is now working for the Republican Party revealed the shocking news. "A group of us were on a hiking trip back in ‘68 and we were up in the hills chatting " explained Kurt Billingsworthski. "Hillary joked that it is OK for us guys to get ‘caught short’, we can stand behind a tree, but you know squatting in long grass isn’t fun if you're not sure what is in there." Mr Billingsworthski had largely forgotten about the whole incident, until it became clear that Mrs Clinton was to run for election to President. "Well I felt I just had to come forward and let the people know," he said. "President is such an important job. I know that this is 21st century America, so you know, we have to make sure all types of people get their chance. But this is such a major political issue for any man running fo...

The last driver known to conform to good lane discipline on Britain’s motorways today announced, on his 75th birthday, that he was to hang up his driving gloves. "I have been driving for over 55 years and recently have happily travelled everywhere in my little 1966 Mk II British Racing Green Hillman Imp," said Harry Woods, speaking to BBC Radio. "However the time has come for me to call it a day. I am not as young as I was." The news was greeted with mixed reactions as a great many people lamented the inevitability of the human condition and car enthusiasts mourned one less roadworthy classic in daily use. "It might not be capable of more than 50 mph, but it is reliable, come rain or shine," said Harry. "I don't like motorway driving – in fact I only use the short stretch between junctions 9 and 10 of the M25 - about six miles - so it doesn't bother me that I can't get out of the left hand lane." However Francis Billingsworth, from Th...

An open letter condemning God for the mysterious manner of His behaviour and the impact it is having on the reputations of senior community members was published today in several notable newspapers, including the London Chronicle and the New York Herald and was notable in being signed by authority figures from religion and popular culture. “We felt that we had to express our disappointment at the lack of action that He is taking in terms of the behaviour of His followers,” explained Father Chris Mass, the group's spokesman. “It's all very well maintaining an air of mystery but we feel that the constant lack of guidance given to His followers is now starting to reduce the effectiveness of other figures of dubious provenance, such as myself.” The letter says that whilst God (also known as Yahweh, Jehovah or Allah) is accepted as being omniscient and aware of all sins, and has historically favoured mass collective punishment in the manner of floods, fire and plagues, He has remain...

Tyler Billingsworth, 14, is now a local celebrity in the Stoke Bishop area of Bristol after making a chance discovery that has improved the journeys of everyone heading into and out of the city centre. "The 1 and 54 bus routes are much more pleasant now since he showed his discovery to his friends," said Ada Fraser, 73, of Blackboy Hill "Although they still spend all day walking around in what looks like their pyjamas." It was at the end of term and Tyler was on a school trip to the Science Museum in London when he noticed something interesting in a display of the changes in consumer goods throughout the 20th century. "It was really boring so we were just hanging around playing music on our phones, but I couldn’t hear mine because James has the Sony Ericsson W610i, which is slightly louder," said Tyler, explaining the moment when he made the discovery. "I noticed that in the display was some ancient thing called a Personal Stereo, and it had these hea...

The government’s moves to ban printing in public places, following the revelations that the small particles of toner that are emitted can do damage to the lungs similar to that caused by smoking, has met fierce criticism from civil liberties groups and the National Union of Secretaries. "I have been using laser printers dozens of times a day for nearly 20 years now," said Gregory Billingsworth an accountant at a large city brokerage house. "I need a good printed spreadsheet with my coffee to kick start the morning. As the day goes on there is nothing better to relieve the stress than to print out a nice memo or two." Under the new legislation, which will take effect from the start of next month, it will be illegal to print in all public buildings. Anyone wishing to do so will have to make use of designated outdoor printing areas. Campaign groups such as the People’s Union for Liberty in Printing (PULP) have rallied against the new legislation saying that it could ha...

As the tenth anniversary of Tony Blair’s coining of the immortal phrase "People’s Princess" approaches Gordon Brown today revealed further plans to follow in his predecessor’s footsteps. "Tony Blair made great capital out of the statement he gave after the apparent death of Diana ," said the Prime Minister. "I plan to improve my popularity in the UK and internationally, especially in the United States, by invoking similar platitudinal sentimentality regarding the death of the Divvie’s Duchess." As with many leading figures the arrangements for the funeral and commemoration of Sarah Ferguson are made years in advance but in this case are being brought forward on a political schedule. To ensure that the shared grief is as media friendly as possible the pavements outside Gregg’s pasty shops will be cordoned off for laying of flowers and stuffed ‘Budgie the helicopter’ toys. Wedgewood pottery, who she has spent several years promoting, are already stockpiling ...

Herbert Billingsworth of Wakefield, West Yorkshire, has been named as the UK’s most evil man and the country’s entrant into the ‘Evil Eight’ competition. The competition aims to identify a modern ‘Hall of shame’ for the most diabolical people in history and is the brainchild of controversial behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth (no relation). "I was inspired by the New Seven Wonders campaign and decided that we needed to update the traditional Rogue’s Gallery," explained Professor Billingsworth. "We need to get rid of the Genghis Khans and King Herods and bring the whole directory of evil up to date." People across the UK cast their votes via phone, text and over the Internet and Herbert Billingsworth was announced the surprise winner, ahead of early favourites such as Fred West, Dr Harold Shipman and Richard Branson. Mr Billingsworth spent most of the competition languishing near the bottom of the poll despite his history of owning a string of Mi...

Padraig Harrington has revealed that it was the motivation of the crowd that helped him to a playoff victory over Spain’s Sergio Garcia. "The fans have been fantastic with their constant support," said The Open Champion. "When you are standing over a quarter of a mile away from the green you need a few people to yell ‘Get in the hole!’ to make sure that your ball goes as far as possible. The years of endless practice don’t amount to anything in such a pressure situation. It’s the crowd yelling that counts." Whilst many commentators and television viewers assume that this constant and unoriginal yelling must be a distraction the players find it not only comforting but something they now depend on. "The fans have been doing it throughout my pro career," commented Tiger Woods, the winner of the previous two Open Championships. "I get it whether I am teeing off on a par five or have just nudged the ball for a two inch putt. I can’t imagine how the greats ...

George W. Bush today underwent a minor medical procedure to ensure all traces of Tony Blair have been removed from the President’s colon. "The President was advised by his doctors several years ago that he should have a check-up to ensure that when Mr Blair left his office, as Prime Minister, there were no cancerous traces in Mr Bush’s colon," explained White House spokesman Scott Billingsworthski. Following the 11th September terrorist attacks on the US, Tony Blair insinuated himself deeply into the President’s inner circle. It was the depth of this special relationship that raised concerns with George Bush’s doctors about the impact on his colon. Downing Street sent its best wishes but denied that there had been any Brown / Bush contact over the President’s alimentary canal. It is understood the White House received a message from the people of Iraq suggesting that President Bush receive a really thorough probing at least twice. Vice President Dick Cheney briefly gripped th...

Controversy reigns in the world of online advertising as increasing number of websites are using subliminal or even guerrilla tactics to maximise their advertising revenue. Luke Billingsworth, a writer for a technology blog, said that the terms of service of programmes such as Google’s Adsense prevent webmasters from making direct pleas to their visitors to click on such advertising. "I would love to be able to say to my readers ‘If you like the story click on our sponsors and help this site’ but I just can’t do it," explained Mr Billingsworth. "The web community, however, won’t be held back and they will always look for alternative approaches." Currently the trend is to move away from tiresome pop-ups adverts or blunt interstitial pages, to more subtle techniques and reviving some age-old favourite techniques. "Knowing how observant and intelligent my readers are enables me to use very subtle techniques," said Anne Corman, the writer of a satirical websit...

Teesside Magistrates court has ordered AA Aardvark plumbing to pay an invoice served on them by Mrs Gina Hastings. The plumbing firm had initially refused to pay the invoice on the grounds that "it doesn’t work like that". "Well I had to take it to court as they simply refused to pay for my services," explained Mrs Hastings from the courthouse steps. "I provided them with a great deal of service over the two days they were installing my new boiler, services that they should pay for." The dispute arose after Mrs Hastings hired AA Aardvark to install a new condensing boiler and water tank. The job was completed to her satisfaction and she happily wrote them a cheque for their work. "A couple of weeks later I got a call from Joe Billingsworth, who runs AA Aardvark plumbing, asking if there had been some mistake and what I thought I was playing at," she said. "But I just explained that the £43.50 was just for services rendered, plus VAT." M...

A group representing schoolchildren today said it was unfair that those skipping school were branded as truants when in fact they were just supporting the wider efforts within society to have a more fulfilling life by controlling how much they work. "I don’t like go school much ‘cos it’s like totally like stressful," said Jake, 15. "I go sometimes like when the council makes us like. But it’s like so boring that it like stresses me out about homework and exams. It should be more flexible like so we can like choose our own hours and stuff." Several schoolchildren have petitioned their local council saying that they fear being called a truant is a stigma that forces them further from school and gives the impression that they are in some way delinquent. "It’s like dead bad when they send these like letters to like your mum and dad and stuff." said Jake’s sister Shania, 16. "They get like really aggro about it and that’s why I want to go part time, so I c...

Residents of Yorkshire and Lincolnshire have been complaining to the media that their tragedy is being forgotten and that the government is simply not doing enough to help their plight. "It is terrible," said Janice Billingsworth from Hull. "People don’t seem to understand the nightmare we are facing. Carpets, furniture, wallpaper, all ruined. It’s a total tragedy." Those in the flooded areas said that they just did not expect to experience such total devastation to the contents of their cupboard under the stairs in twenty-first century Britain. "It is ok for the people of Bangladesh. The thousands that die in flooding there have never known the hardship of laying a laminate floor," wailed Ms Billingsworth. "The tens of millions of people who are left homeless will never have queued up for half an hour at their local B&Q." Those hit worst by the flooding and who have lost sofas and even kitchen units feel that with the attention of the media ...

In amongst all the commotion surrounding Lewis Hamilton at the British Grand Prix this weekend, one of the most anticipated announcements of the past few years was finally made when General Motors revealed its intention to enter the Formula 1 championship for the 2008 season. "There has been a lot of speculation as to when GM, as one of the largest car manufacturers in the world, would enter Formula 1," said Dermot Billingsworth, Marketing Director of Vauxhall motors speaking at the Silverstone launch. "The time is now right." General Motors said that it feels its Vauxhall Nova brand fits best with the ‘young aspirational male’ demographic, an area where the marque’s traditional strength has been under assault with the resurgence of hot-hatchbacks from German and French manufacturers. "Our aim is that the design of our challenger, the NOVA-F1, will represent what our brand means to young men, and make F1 technology more relevant to road car design. " said ...