Surreal Scoop

Newsbiscuit’s recently exposed the plight of the County of Midsomer and its falling population ( http://newsbiscuit.com/article/midsomer-plea-for-new-residents ) . Following our report a new international exchange programme is being established with the town of Cabot Cove in Maine, USA. Eileen Billingsworth is excited about her forthcoming trip as part of the first tranche of residents to spend a few weeks in each other’s towns. "Well, the massive public interest that followed the story meant we actually had a few offers for twinning and we will be pursuing all of them as much as we can. We will use Cabot Cove as a pilot and then we are looking to set up links with the Bailiwick of Jersey – our Chief Inspector has links with Jersey police." However, it is not expected to be all plain sailing out on the nautical East Coast of America. "This isn’t the first link up we tried - that was with St. Mary Mead, however the first town meeting ended after the Vicar was found drowne...

TV executives from all over the country have heralded the news that scientists may soon be able to pick up Extra Terrestrial TV signals. "Initially I thought, no we have to get onto digital" explained Gerald Billingsworth, head of Light Entertainment at Granada. "but once my secretary had asked her assistant to sober me up, I realised the boffins were talking about Alien television and, well really that was much more exciting." Hillary Binsworth the Head of Video Rental Selection at Five was equally enthusiastic. "To be honest, most of the public has yet to realise it, but some of us in the heart of the industry can see a day soon when we have run out of programme ideas. Reality TV is dead and we can’t rehash the format with celebrities too much. There are only so many ways to dress up programmes based around text voting and, well we have done them all. Celebrity NHS Face Transplant Postcode Lottery might be the very last before the quality drops. So if we can ...

“It’s madness.” complained Councillor Helen Billingsworth “It is just completely idiotic and badly thought through.” Councillor Billingsworth was commenting on a recent planning application for more renewable energy power generation and the plans that have been proposed for two new sites in the Cumbrian Mountains. “Being born and bred in a rural area, I absolutely support any action that helps the environment. Renewable energy is vital to that. But really? A Wind Farm? Up on the majestic hilltops surrounding Keswick and Derwant water, which some people say is the most mystic and tranquil of the wonderful lakes? Really its madness!” she ranted. “Obviously it would be an eyesore, but it isn’t even practical. Have you been up there? It is windy enough for God’s sake! What do we need more wind for? The gusts get up to over 100mph and some lunatic wants to put bloody big fans the size of tower blocks up there to blow more wind around. Madness I tell you!” frothed Councillor Billingsworth at...

Conservative spokesmen have expressed concern that the changes to the rights of immigrant workers from new member states of the EU would not effect the general problem of immigration and, therefore, would possibly lead to an increase in illegal working. John Reid and David Davis squared up to each other during the "Endless Talk" show on the new channel Sky Political News 7. Dr Reid took the opportunity to poor scorn on Tory concerns "It is gratifying that the Tories acknowledge that as the economy is growing we need skilled workers. Since everyone else is going to university to read media studies rather than having any tangible talent it is vital to the British economy and the nation’s finances through taxation that we have an influx of new talent" David Davis countered that "thousands, if not billions, maybe, of murderers, it says in the Daily Mail, will just come in to the country through our open immigration policy and work illegally. These proposals do noth...

Scientists at the Kleenex Institute for Headline Grabbing Research today announced the results of their findings into mobile phone usage and the effects on male fertility. 364 men were left in isolation and allowed to use their mobile phones as normal before having their sperm count and quality tested at the end of the day. The results showed a direct link between the amount and type of mobile usage and the quality of their sperm. Those who used their phones the least had the most active sperm with the highest counts. Indeed they were also abreast of current affairs and able to hold engaging conversations with female lab assistants. Those who used “video text dating services” were found to have moderate sperm counts with only a small number of inactive or badly swimming sperm. They were also reasonably amiable and not at all flushed in the face or tired and their mobile phone bills were deemed to be “manageable”. Those who used their phones heavily, over 4 hours of the day, in addition...

Earlier today Hungarian and foreign officials as well as veterans of the October Uprising commemorated the 50th anniversary of the country’s failed revolution against oppression by laying flowers at various services across Budapest. The current Hungarian government then proceeded to re-enact the events of 50 years ago by firmly suppressing modern day dissent and protests using tear gas and water cannons. "It was a great success," commented Prime Minister Gyurcsany, "we were able to really bring home the trauma and terror of half a century ago, especially at the railway station. Hopefully tonight I shall be able to get some tanks onto the streets and perhaps some live firing into crowds. I don’t know if I can guarantee a fully fledged massacre but hopefully a few petrol bombs can really light up such a special day." The Hungarian Government has been roundly criticised for the nature of these events as 50 years ago Budapest was adorned with Soviet style posters and st...

Scientists today announced the creation of the world’s first invisibility cloak. Professor J Scott Billingsworth unveiled the invention to a packed news conference. "It works by bending the electromagnetic waves around the object, rather than letting them reflect off the object, thus is in effect invisible to anyone that looks at it." Explained Professor Billingsworth at the unveiling of the device to the worlds media. "Thus not only can you not see it, but it won’t show up in any photos. In fact the casual observer, or journalists, or even our all important sponsors and benefactors won’t be able to see the fruits of all the time and money used in its creation." Photos of what appears to the untrained eye as an empty glass case are expected to make the front page stories of all tomorrow’s newspapers. STOP PRESS One observer at the news conference noticed that when the power was switched off to the display case that nothing actually appeared as would be expected as t...

A man today told reporters how having taken a couple of days off, because of the flu, he became stuck in a timewarp. "It was like the movie Groundhog Day where the lead character – played by the arrogant Ghostbuster – had to relive the same day’s events over and over again." said a clearly relieved Bert Billingsworth upon returning to conventional time. Bert told a press conference at Humberside Police headquarters how he had retired to his bed, in Beverley Road in Hull, with some Lemsip and nodded off whilst watching Home Improvement on the Freeview Digital channel ABC1. "I remember it quite clearly, because it was the episode where Tim ‘the toolman’ Taylor was infatuated by an attractive TV reporter and I could relate to how his wife Jill felt as she also had the flu too. But, when I awoke, I found that despite having had a really good long restful sleep the same episode was just starting on the TV." Humberside Police said that there were no reported atmospheric c...

Amy Billingsworth today admitted that she may never have actually saved any money in a clothing sale. "For years I have done as much shopping as possible in the sales and you know if it was a 50% saving I assumed I was saving 50%, - but recently my five year old son came shopping with me and he is good with numbers". Toby Billingsworth had been helping his mum work out how much money she was saving in the sales on a recent trip to the Bluewater shopping centre in Kent. When after 6 hours Toby struggled and blurted out "it's less than zero" Amy realised something may be wrong. "I have been over it with my girlfriends and none of us really understand the maths of it. When I go shopping in the sales I look for stuff – you know half off. Now clearly what this means is that I can buy something twice as good for only the same money and I am saving half the cost. See, say I would normally spend £80 on a pair of shoes, in a 50% off sale I can buy £200 pair for £100...

In a press announcement today, the Institute of Arbitrary Comparisons declared it will soon be commencing its end of year assessment of the Standard International Comparative Table. Sources within the Institute have hinted that the table will have a radical expansion from its current arrangement of sliced bread at the top and everything else ever invented in joint second place. A senior official, who did not want to be named – but was probably called Billingsworth – revealed that the more conservative members of the seventy-eight year old institute are likely to fight strongly as since its inception the comparative standard has always been "best thing since sliced bread". "The thing is," Professor Maureen Billingsworth confided, "it has always been a pretty easy arrangement. Since 1928 the Institute has been based on the Rohwedder Rating. This re-appraisal will mean extra work and, well no one likes that as much as they liked having to use a bread knife back in...

A senior British military leader, Colonel Arnold Talbot Wilson who took control of the military situation in Iraq in 1920, has spoken out against the insurgent situation in the newly liberated middle eastern state and declared that the role of the British Military must change. He went on to further assert his belief that the situation in Iraq complicates British interests elsewhere. Speaking today, from his office in 1920, Colonel Wilson said “The situation such as the Mosul uprising has been caused directly by the mandate issued by the ‘League of Nations of the willing’. I believe that when this rebellion has finally been put down - 86 years ago - that British troops would then be able to withdraw from the area and perhaps be home in time for ‘The White Horse FA cup final’ – assuming the Empire Stadium at Wembley’s roof is finished in time.” Colonel Wilson said that whilst there were many people that felt the initial occupation may have been about securing access to the vast oil field...

Occasional rain forest chat show pseudo-expert and part time pop singer Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner, real name Sting, has hit out at followers of the Star Trek family of television shows. He reserved his most severe venom for those in the Internet community that follow and discuss the first of the canon spin off series, Star Trek : The Next Generation. Sting acknowledged that Star Trek Animated Adventures was not considered part of the official story line. “The problem is that I spend a lot of time ego surfing - you know looking for references to yourself on the Internet. I search for reports on my efforts to save the Planet Earth but quite often am frustrated to find the report is about STTNG, a shorthand for Star Trek: The Next Generation, rather than myself STING. Many other people out there in internetland must be similarly confused as it is me that is saving the galaxy, the earth or humanity, not a group of highly trained vocationalists from the future.” complained the one time G...

A leaked government research paper has revealed radical plans by the Department of Transportation to shake up local transport within the UK. The white paper detailed the provision of an extensive array of Bus Replacement Rail services throughout the country. The report stated that “Her Majesty’s government has noted the increase in road traffic, especially the increase in bus services on routes between local areas of habitation. Some of these bus routes run similar paths to the extensive interconnecting narrow strips of land that are marked with parallel metal lines. “The historic usage of these metal ‘rails’ has been hotly debated. What is known about them is that they were built by the Victorian industrialists but the purpose has been lost. Her Majesty’s Government proposes to make use of this mysterious infrastructure to provide direct services at high speed using electric powered carriages.” The plans could see trains of carriages travelling at speeds over 100mph between local and ...

The National Basketball Association today announced the results of its investigation into the fan’s rebellion after the NBA finals in June. During the summer thousands of basketball fans suddenly realised that most of the game was entirely pointless and that it was only the final quarter that really mattered to the result. All over America there were complaints to teams, and sports radio phone ins were deluged by callers who suddenly realised what a great waste of time most of the game was. Indeed one of the biggest websites of this year has been 36outof53.com – a reference to the proportion of gameplay to elapsed time that occurs before the all important fourth quarter starts. Kurt Billingsworth, Chief Commissionner and President of Shareholder Relations, today announced to a packed media conference – “Well, the game is up and we have been well and truly found out on this one. For decades we have managed to build this business and its franchises up on the illusion of speed, excitement...

A pensioner from Fort William in Scotland today claimed that dogs were a mistake of creation. "It happened when I was in my early thousands and I was living on another mountain, in Greece," said Mr Zeus (8342) interviewed in his retirement home at the foot of Ben Nevis. "I was filling out a lot of requisition forms and, you know how it is, you get tired, and in between lightning schedules I must have typed out the wrong order." Scholars of pre-history have long debated the origin of dogs – especially given their only use being to fetch sticks. "Egyptologists disagree about the significance of dogs, " commented Bill Billingsworth from the Sidcup Centre for Pantheonic studies , "but they are just Anubis fetishists. Clearly the evidence has always pointed to a mistake, unless jumping into icy water for no apparent reason is a skill without which the earth could not survive." However Mr Zeus said he had to come forward now as mankind was making a fur...

A recent research paper has identified a link between masturbation and a reduction in secretion of neuro-stimulators in the part of the brain responsible for language development. Dr John Thomason, reviewing the report, commented "This ground-breaking study finally explains why seemingly intelligent people are often reduced to using bad grammar and forms of poor communication." It has long puzzled education and medical professionals alike why people who, in every other way, appear to be capable of intelligent conversation suddenly lapse into confusing use of English. "The problem has been noted in many areas of society, but is especially severe in those areas related to marketing and project management," explained Dr Thomason. "Often their language is made up of bad metaphors and contractions. The study shows that for those who masturbate the most language becomes totally dependent on communicating with people who already know all the detail of the conversation...

A spokesman for the British Nasty Party has welcomed the announcement from the high street chain Boots that it has banned cheques from its shops. "This is great news and something that is well overdue," commented Mick Crippin, leader of the British Nasty Party, "we have been campaigning for these types of measures for years and now Great British industry has said enough is enough and banned these people from their shops. I can only hope that retailers join forces and ban not only Czechs but other eastern Europeans, coming over here and taking our jobs. They should take a leaf out of Thailand's book - I read that they changed government recently without going to the Poles." Mr Crippen was questioned regarding any potential confusion at a local party meeting in Welling, South East London and remarked that his party was "not concerned with your alleged facts - we make our policies based on sound British values. Now this is a private meeting and my Budvar is ge...

Today, Jeff Billingsworth, general secretary of the Television Interviewer and Talkshow Society admitted that its members had adopted a standard policy known as Leading and Zero Interruption for questioning their subjects. "In today’s fast paced media world, our members have to get their soundbites in at the first attempt before the next advert break, weather report or shameless book plug." A leaked memo reveals the policy is in fact a simple matter of forcing both the topic of conversation and the answer into a single thirty second response from the interviewee using a standard set of opening gambits. These include "How important was …", "How devastating has …" "How angry are you …" or the more tabloid "How gutted are you … " Mr Billingsworth was unrepentant about the policy. "In the past journalists had degrees and years of experience in their subject matter. Nowadays our members are reality TV stars cum chat show hosts or retire...