Dogs – the typo of the Gods

A pensioner from Fort William in Scotland today claimed that dogs were a mistake of creation.

"It happened when I was in my early thousands and I was living on another mountain, in Greece," said Mr Zeus (8342) interviewed in his retirement home at the foot of Ben Nevis. "I was filling out a lot of requisition forms and, you know how it is, you get tired, and in between lightning schedules I must have typed out the wrong order."

Scholars of pre-history have long debated the origin of dogs – especially given their only use being to fetch sticks.

"Egyptologists disagree about the significance of dogs, " commented Bill Billingsworth from the Sidcup Centre for Pantheonic studies, "but they are just Anubis fetishists. Clearly the evidence has always pointed to a mistake, unless jumping into icy water for no apparent reason is a skill without which the earth could not survive."

However Mr Zeus said he had to come forward now as mankind was making a further mistake in their analysis of the mythological past.

"I read an article in ‘Gardener’s Weekly’ claiming that my mistake happened when I was ordering Gods, and ended up with dogs. This is not true. I had no need for more gods. I mean as soon as I opened the crate for the first one I knew that there would only be scheming and plotting amongst them. Especially that Aphrodite," said the former king of the Gods.

Mr Zeus explained that all the white marble on Olympus made the place cold and so he intended to order millions of logs. "Well, the cold gets to my bones you know, and togas are draughty. The problem was the dogs were no use for heating the place; it’s not like I could just set fire to them. That is why I had to create Korean restaurants."

Do that and you will go word blind

A recent research paper has identified a link between masturbation and a reduction in secretion of neuro-stimulators in the part of the brain responsible for language development.

Dr John Thomason, reviewing the report, commented "This ground-breaking study finally explains why seemingly intelligent people are often reduced to using bad grammar and forms of poor communication."

It has long puzzled education and medical professionals alike why people who, in every other way, appear to be capable of intelligent conversation suddenly lapse into confusing use of English.

"The problem has been noted in many areas of society, but is especially severe in those areas related to marketing and project management," explained Dr Thomason. "Often their language is made up of bad metaphors and contractions. The study shows that for those who masturbate the most language becomes totally dependent on communicating with people who already know all the detail of the conversation and can make sense of queries such as ‘What is the deal with the budget?’"

In addition to the biological links, the researchers discovered several telltale indicators that indicate the reduction of required neuro-stimulators in the brain, and consequently high level of masturbation. These include phrases such as "a big ask" and "doable"

"Extreme sufferers, actually use English so bad it is more complicated than the message they are trying to get across," says Dr John Thomason. "They will, for example, say things like ‘low hanging fruit’ in place of ‘quick wins’."

The paper’s author, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, has recently returned from a conference in Las Vegas where he announced his findings saying that weeks of gruelling research had been worthwhile.

"It was a big ask. We wanted to know what the deal was with the you know, lack of pretty word speak, and fortunately I was able to touch base with some of the best blue-sky thinkers in, like, the world, you know?" he tried to tell us. "We were able to synergise a shrink wrapped solution. No longer do we have to ask ‘What’s the deal with the you know, problem’. It was just there, like low hanging fruit really."

British Nasty Party welcomes ban on cheques

A spokesman for the British Nasty Party has welcomed the announcement from the high street chain Boots that it has banned cheques from its shops.

"This is great news and something that is well overdue," commented Mick Crippin, leader of the British Nasty Party, "we have been campaigning for these types of measures for years and now Great British industry has said enough is enough and banned these people from their shops. I can only hope that retailers join forces and ban not only Czechs but other eastern Europeans, coming over here and taking our jobs. They should take a leaf out of Thailand's book - I read that they changed government recently without going to the Poles."

Mr Crippen was questioned regarding any potential confusion at a local party meeting in Welling, South East London and remarked that his party was "not concerned with your alleged facts - we make our policies based on sound British values. Now this is a private meeting and my Budvar is getting warm."

Association of Interviewers admits to new LAZI policy

Today, Jeff Billingsworth, general secretary of the Television Interviewer and Talkshow Society admitted that its members had adopted a standard policy known as Leading and Zero Interruption for questioning their subjects.

"In today’s fast paced media world, our members have to get their soundbites in at the first attempt before the next advert break, weather report or shameless book plug."
A leaked memo reveals the policy is in fact a simple matter of forcing both the topic of conversation and the answer into a single thirty second response from the interviewee using a standard set of opening gambits. These include "How important was …", "How devastating has …" "How angry are you …" or the more tabloid "How gutted are you … "

Mr Billingsworth was unrepentant about the policy. "In the past journalists had degrees and years of experience in their subject matter. Nowadays our members are reality TV stars cum chat show hosts or retired sportsmen. They can’t be expected to learn the craft and so we devised the easy to use LAZI system for them".

The leaked memo reveals that the policy is being tested in the area of sports and if proven successful will be rolled out to other forms of interviewing. The trial is being lead by Hazel Irvine who, media watchers observed, based the whole of her Ryder Cup coverage on LAZI interviewing.