Surreal Scoop

A pensioner from Fort William in Scotland today claimed that dogs were a mistake of creation. "It happened when I was in my early thousands and I was living on another mountain, in Greece," said Mr Zeus (8342) interviewed in his retirement home at the foot of Ben Nevis. "I was filling out a lot of requisition forms and, you know how it is, you get tired, and in between lightning schedules I must have typed out the wrong order." Scholars of pre-history have long debated the origin of dogs – especially given their only use being to fetch sticks. "Egyptologists disagree about the significance of dogs, " commented Bill Billingsworth from the Sidcup Centre for Pantheonic studies , "but they are just Anubis fetishists. Clearly the evidence has always pointed to a mistake, unless jumping into icy water for no apparent reason is a skill without which the earth could not survive." However Mr Zeus said he had to come forward now as mankind was making a fur...

A recent research paper has identified a link between masturbation and a reduction in secretion of neuro-stimulators in the part of the brain responsible for language development. Dr John Thomason, reviewing the report, commented "This ground-breaking study finally explains why seemingly intelligent people are often reduced to using bad grammar and forms of poor communication." It has long puzzled education and medical professionals alike why people who, in every other way, appear to be capable of intelligent conversation suddenly lapse into confusing use of English. "The problem has been noted in many areas of society, but is especially severe in those areas related to marketing and project management," explained Dr Thomason. "Often their language is made up of bad metaphors and contractions. The study shows that for those who masturbate the most language becomes totally dependent on communicating with people who already know all the detail of the conversation...

A spokesman for the British Nasty Party has welcomed the announcement from the high street chain Boots that it has banned cheques from its shops. "This is great news and something that is well overdue," commented Mick Crippin, leader of the British Nasty Party, "we have been campaigning for these types of measures for years and now Great British industry has said enough is enough and banned these people from their shops. I can only hope that retailers join forces and ban not only Czechs but other eastern Europeans, coming over here and taking our jobs. They should take a leaf out of Thailand's book - I read that they changed government recently without going to the Poles." Mr Crippen was questioned regarding any potential confusion at a local party meeting in Welling, South East London and remarked that his party was "not concerned with your alleged facts - we make our policies based on sound British values. Now this is a private meeting and my Budvar is ge...

Today, Jeff Billingsworth, general secretary of the Television Interviewer and Talkshow Society admitted that its members had adopted a standard policy known as Leading and Zero Interruption for questioning their subjects. "In today’s fast paced media world, our members have to get their soundbites in at the first attempt before the next advert break, weather report or shameless book plug." A leaked memo reveals the policy is in fact a simple matter of forcing both the topic of conversation and the answer into a single thirty second response from the interviewee using a standard set of opening gambits. These include "How important was …", "How devastating has …" "How angry are you …" or the more tabloid "How gutted are you … " Mr Billingsworth was unrepentant about the policy. "In the past journalists had degrees and years of experience in their subject matter. Nowadays our members are reality TV stars cum chat show hosts or retire...