Surreal Scoop

As the year comes to an end we all make a list of things we would like to change for the 12 months ahead. As regular followers - no you are not mere followers, you are lovers, devotees, and evangelists for Surreal Scoop – as dependants upon the wisdom of these pages know, movie deals, TV shows will all be on your list of things to arrange for me in the coming year. Write to your MP. Do it now, I will be here when you get back. Thank you, now let us proceed. As my prosperous 2010, filled with riches, fame and as much drugs as I can snort off Kylie Minogue's tits beckons, so my lonely, impoverished 2009 – which you lot singularly failed to fill with instant celebrity meaning that I didn't even get a go at Dannii (DANNII!) Minogue – fades into the past. Thanks to the joys of schadenfreude all is not lost, there are people worse off than me and Surreal Scoop would not want to be the only place you could not see the seldom talented James Corden! Thank you, Thank you! Thanking YOU!,...

Simon Cowell the man who revolutionised the pub karaoke market hopes to capitalise on his huge home spinster fan-base and the obvious link up with the Susan Boyle brand by launching a new range of vibrator products aimed at those who feel the urge to rage against the machine . “We have high hopes for our XXX Factor Fanny Hammer range,” said Simon Cowell at the product unveiling. “There is a large market for such products and we feel that ours can fill that opening.” The range comes with various features that the company believes will help them achieve maximum penetration with the target demographic. The basic entry model comes with both a variable speed and a hammer action, whilst the X-Factor FH XL Jumbo has a Turbo Thumper mode and includes a free gum-shield to reduce teeth-rattling. “The X-Factor deal will involve a tie-up with the spinsters' favourite contestants, each model will include an internal mp3 player pre-loaded with a selection of ballads,” said Cowell. “The speaker w...

A survey reveals that the average Internet user considers their time to be more valuable than an astronaut, a world leader or Simon Cowell based upon their tolerance of inconvenience. “If a website takes longer to load than I take to blink then it is wasting my time,” said Julian Billingsworth, an experienced web surfer. “My time is precious since I only have 8 hours a day to spend on the Internet.” Even the trivial problem of receiving free spam e-mail is enough to render an Internet surfer apoplectic with rage. “My Spam filter gets most of it, but occasionally I have to click on an e-mail and mark it is as junk. That’s maybe twice a day, taking at least 0.5s,” said Billingsworth, the veins beginning to protrude from his temples. “Over the course of a year that might amount to two whole minutes – or an entire session watching youporn.com.” As the growth of social networking escalates users are investing huge amounts of time in making the commercial products of massive corporations a s...

Postmen across the UK are stepping up their demands that we do their jobs for them by popping “Sorry, I can't be arsed, wash my car for me.” cards through letterboxes up and down the country in their desire to free up as much time as possible to play snooker. “A few years ago a postman used to 'deliver' things like parcels, sometimes before you even got out of bed,” said leading work-dodging expert Jeff Billingsworth, reading from someone else's report. “Now they find it easier to deliver small bits of card asking you to do their jobs for them.” The practice started with the infamous “Sorry you were out” cards that magically appear on your doormat whilst you stare at the front door hoping to hear the approach of the postninja. Increasingly customers are now finding “Do my washing, please” cards and “Since I am out early in the morning, can you take the rubbish out and give the missus a good seeing-to for me” cards. “I think we need to understand the impact that actually...

The Archbishop of Canterbury has accused the government of treating religious faith as an "eccentricity" practised by "oddities". “If it is eccentric to believe that I am being eternally watched by an immortal figure and to selectively adhere to the ideas contained within a two thousand year old book of uncertain provenance, then call me eccentric,” said the Archbishop in his elaborate flowing gown, gesticulating with his ornate crosier. “But it is The Most Reverend Father in God, eccentric, by Divine Providence Lord Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of All England and Metropolitan to you.” The government, however, said that it recognised the important role faith plays in shaping the values of millions of irrational people throughout the land. “We don’t believe they are oddities at all. It’s perfectly mainstream to wear sandals and carry a slightly patronising air towards the person you are talking to who is going to burn in hell for all eternity. They all seem to h...

Producers of quality challenged broadcaster ITV's-hit programme “ Am I a Celebrity? Get out of here! ” today defended their animal rights record following accusations of cruelty from the RSPCA of New South Wales regarding the killing of a rat during the making of the last series. “Animal rights campaigners are not being consistent if they complain about the treatment of a rat that was killed, skinned, cooked and eaten,” said Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, Head of Programming at ITV1+8 and shop assistant at a central Manchester Blockbuster video store. “If they were serious they would consider the hundreds of thousands of insects that we have killed and maimed over the last 7 years.” Convicted thief Gino D'Acampo continued to protest his innocence amid mounting concerns that the rat in question was a tame one planted as part of the show with experts insisting that a real-live rat would never have been caught. “Are the filth saying the rat was a patsy? I ain’t doing no more time f...

The board of banking basket case the Royal Bank of Scotland today warned that Britain risked a drop in it's international incompetency rating if they were not allowed to pay a huge amount of money to people who had failed at their jobs. “RBS leads the nation, and thus helps Britain sit at the international top table, of incompetency,” said Stephen “Incompetent” Hester. “If we aren't allowed to remunerate RBS talent at the market rate by rewarding them for forcing RBS out of the market then we risk losing this level of incompetency to the nation.” The world reacted in horror to the news that the entire board of RBS has threatened to resign if they are not able to pay the bonuses they believed their staff had earned by ruining a 300 year old bank in less than a decade. The leaders of major economies struggling to recover from the recession have implored the British government to “just give them what they want” for fear that these elite businessmen might leave Britain. “You mean t...

As further news of Tiger Woods “transgressions” emerged in the press, analysts and shagging pundits speculated as to whether or not the news would continue or if Tiger had got over the hump. “For a player of Tiger's capabilities you have to wonder if there are more women to come forward,” said Peter Billingsworth, Sex analyst for Golf Monthly. “We are all, of course, expecting him to go for the full 18 holes.” Analysts however concede that whilst Tiger has always demonstrated fantastic ball control, the pressures of his high-profile lifestyle may mean that he has been unable to play a full round whilst playing around. “Shot after shot has shown Tiger able to get impressive elevation on his balls, and of course he has fantastic length.” said Billingsworth. “Maybe these women are all there is, but then the question is 'Did he play the back nine?” The media has focussed on voice-mail messages left for a cocktail waitress in Las Vegas. Tiger in his press statement insists that he w...

The neighbours of a young goat found eaten to death by a Tyrannosaurus-Rex today blamed the Bedrock Police force for not responding to a complaint that the cave in which the tragedy took place was being used to breed clones of some of the most dangerous predators in Earth's history. “The goats are a lovely, close, family, and little Billy was a lovely little chap,” said one neighbour. “The Police were told that the cave was a predator breeding ground months ago, they should have done something because, on reflection, I don't think allowing young boisterous goats near aggressive beasts with mouths full of meat-cleavers is the best idea.” Apparently the noise of the beasts' roars were so loud, said another neighbour, that it drowned out the sound of the ritual sacrifices from the cave over the road. Tragedy struck when the parents of young Billy left him in the care of a family member who was also looking after the 7 tonne Tyrannosaur. “No one liked that T-Rex, even the adult...

The Football Association of Ireland has announced that an away draw is better than a win and asked FIFA for a place in the World Cup finals because, in Ireland at least, 33 teams can fit into 32 places. “Ireland is the victim here – always. Now what were you going to ask me?” said Patrick O'Billingsworth of the FAI. “Oh yes the Henry hand-ball. Yes victims. And anyway, won't the colour of South Africa 2010 be enriched by a load of drunken people in green shirts who have never actually been to Ireland? No, probably not.” The FAI said that the controversial plan will enable Ireland, and many people who occasionally have the odd pint of Guinness, to really support their side for three games before they fail to progress through their group and revert to their normal approach of buying the shirt of any nation that is playing against England. The idea of a free place in the World Cup has inspired other associations around the world to follow the official Irish policy of 'taking t...