Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Analysts Believe GOP Has Changed Electoral Strategy From “Given Up” To “Slapstick Comedy” With Introduction Of The “Palin Palm-Prompter”

The Republican Party of the United States today moved closer to putting its large ‘southern hospitality’ weight behind Sarah Palin in its search for a politician who won’t put off voters with complicated policies or intelligent concepts.

“Many ordinary extremists want to turn to Sarah Palin since they’re turned off by Obama speeches that you just can’t write into a single twitter tweet,” said Kurt Billingsworthski, one of the founders of the Tea Party Movement. “One of Mrs Palin’s key strengths is that you can’t fit more than one hundred forty letters into her Jesus loving hand.”

Mr Billingsworthski was responding to criticism of the former Alaskan Russian Affairs Spokeswoman’s strategy of making a joke about President Obama’s reliance on teleprompters whilst reading notes written on the palm of her hand.

“Mrs Palin knows about us, she is one of us, you know, ordinary working stiffs, you know writing the answers on the palm of her hand,” said Billingsworthski. “What conservative voter in America hasn’t done that when taking their GED?”

The Tea Party movement is a “grass-roots organisation” that aims to bring together ordinary Americans who are angry and disaffected with what they see as their country’s move away from their own fantasies about its constitution and the current President’s desperate lurches towards civilisation. The underlying fear of many is that the problems facing the United States cannot be solved by large-scale government intervention, and instead believe the solution lies in buying more books and DVDs by Fox News anal-disorder enthusiast Glenn Beck.

The Tea Party is a euphemistic homage to the revolutionary zeal with which disaffected colonists illegally boarded and terrorised merchant ships, with no respect for private property, during the so-called “Boston Tea Party” that helped lead to the American War of Independence which set the country back over 200 years.

“We was angry back then and gosh-darn-it we is angry now. All these liberal, commie A-rabs! We need to reclaim our country from this ‘health is a fundamental principle’ nonsense” said Billingsworthski. “That’s why I am here and founded my group – Conservative Homeland Is My Principle.”

The C.H.I.M.P Tea Party was the show-piece event at the end of the convention and many of the ordinary, grass-roots, right-wing American extremists attending the event welcomed Mrs Palin by screeching, beating their chests and doing back-flips.

“They certainly do look like regular people, in their suits, with their huge toothy grins,” said one analyst. “But then they just started screaming incoherently and flinging their shit around. It’s clear that evolution really has passed the Republicans by.”

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