Wednesday, February 10, 2010

International Shock As Celebrity Arranges Letters To Spell Naughty Words

The United Nations was today considering the ramifications, on both the emergency situation in Haiti and the ongoing efforts towards a peaceful settlement in the middle east, that will be felt by news that a minor TV presenter had discovered how to use the text messaging function on his phone.

“That Vernon Kay has sent text messages is not the major issue,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon at an emergency meeting of the Security Council. ”It is that he managed to arrange some of the letters to enable the pixels to spell what some might think are sexy words.”

Many analysts believe that the so-called “Star Text Sex Scandal” could deal a massive blow to the prospects of the two state Palestinian solution being proposed by the group of four, in the hopes of peace and prosperity in the middle east.

“We stopped the air-lift once we read the front page of The Sun.” said a red cross official. “You wonder how you can go on knowing that Tess, who always looks so lovely on Strictly Come Dancing, might be a bit miffed.”

In other, unrelated, news Mr Kay's wife, Tess Daly was seeking the consolation of her friendly publisher who will be releasing her new book imminently.

Whilst friends have expressed grave concern for the future of their marriage and Mr Kay was seen in a Soho coffee shop perusing the “photo messaging” section of his iPhone manual, the markets were upbeat. News that Mr Kay may have been exchanging arrangements of electronic letters with as many as 5 women saw the FTSE rise 134 points as traders invested heavily in mobile phone carriers.

“Photos showed him with an iPhone so I made a killing on O2 shares thanks to the STSS,” said one trader. “It's likely that he has used way more texts than are bundled with his tariff.”

This is not the first time that the UN''s credibility as an international bringer of peace and security has been rocked by news that a celebrity DJ has been found using electronic devices for titillation. In 1991 humanitarian efforts in Kurdish northern Iraq were almost derailed when news broke that Terry Wogan had shown a female researcher how to enter numbers on his calculator to spell “BigBOOBS” when held upside down.

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