Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged to strengthen the laws protecting householders if they beat up an intruder in the middle of the night, or maim a dinner party guest whose house price growth is better than your own.
“I believe these people leave their human rights outside, so we will make sure that you can drag a hoodie into your kitchen before you give him a good beating,” said Mr Cameron. “As the criminals say ‘You just watch your step in my manor’ … house.”
Mr Cameron said that the law must be clear, unambiguous and above all appealing to those people who only read the headline or the first paragraph of an article in the Sun or the Daily Mail.
“Householders, especially in High Wycombe, need to know that if they have apprehended an intruder they are free to inflict brain damage upon him,” said Mr Cameron. “They need assurance that the law will allow them the freedom to change weapons during the beating. There will be provisions for the homeowner to choose between an iron bar, a cricket bat or a hockey stick. Or use all 3.”
Mr Cameron was speaking following a number of high-profile cases that have once again re-opened the debate about the levels of extreme violence a member of the public is allowed to inflict on a criminal.
“I think the tariff is clear, no-one is saying that losing a VCR is worth taking a human life for,” said Mr Cameron. “But have you seen the picture quality on the latest LED HD TVs? If someone stole one from you, no court could begrudge you cutting their spines with a carving knife.”
Mr Cameron emphasised that it was the duty of political leaders to ensure that ever strengthening human rights were not abused by the law breaking to weaken the protection of the law abiding.
“It is one of the greatest principles of English Common Law that Myleene Klass’s home is her castle,” said Mr Cameron. “All former reality TV contestants who have been out of the limelight for a couple of years should be able to wave a knife out of their own kitchen window without the need for their publicist to phone the Sun.”
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