Today we all face the information overload: the constant bombardment from television, the internet, with emails and instant messaging filled with the lives of the Saints. This blinding highlight as to exactly why we are all going to hell. Not a day goes by for any of us in our sinful lives: whether we be bankers asking St Matthew for guidance on inflation, aircraft designers consulting with St Bona as to the coefficient of friction of air at -15C or drunk bus drivers asking St Christopher if the zebra crossing is clear, we all take direct guidance from the Saints.
So with a new Saint to be taught to Catholic school children waiting to learn about far off planets and dinosaurs (which clearly don't exist) here are the all important stages to the imminent creation of St Pope John Paul II the Great:-
The candidate must have been dead for 5 years. Or at least appear to be dead. Pope John Paul II couldn't resign and was wheeled out in an increasingly frail state when any compassionate organisation would have given him a bath chair, a bag of Werther's Originals and a DVD box-set of that nice “Antiques Roadshow”. However he worked for the Holy See so could expect no compassion.
The next important stage is that a total cult must be found to support the cause of those whose fans want to win the title of Saint. If the up-and-coming saint is believed to have lived a life that is at 11 on the holy scale then Rome might decide to call them “venerable”. His followers will be called “vulnerable”.
The Vulnerable supporters of their favourite Catholic will then begin searching for evidence that a miracle has been performed. The “beautification” of evidence needs to show that the miracle was specifically contrary to earthly laws, such as John Paul II's leadership in the Vatican facilitating moving paedophile priests to alternative parishes, rather than reporting the criminal offence to local law enforcement.
There needs to be two miracles – that is things that can be attributed to the proto-saint that defy rational explanation, here we would include John Paul II’s discouraging of people from using condoms in AIDS infested areas of Africa by stating that “they don’t work”.
After your cult has had your past inspected and beautified by the cult of the Church of Rome, and you have been proven to have broken earthly laws then, and only then, can you be made a saint. This rigorous process, using purely subjective criteria derived from the mistranslation of partially complete, heavily edited texts passed from generation to generation through word-of-mouth and illiterate story tellers, before being committed to heavily edited documents of dubious provenance that are nowadays found only as incomplete texts, awaiting the inevitable reboot, is rounded off by the arbitrary decision of the pope. The current pope is a straight-right-arm-saluting enthusiast who believes that places like the UK contain sinful levels of equality.
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