Sunday, April 17, 2011

AV – Where Do The Parties Stand On The Voting System None Of Them Actually Want?

As the campaigning continues for the AV referendum, here is a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to where each of the major parties, and the Liberal Democrats, stand.

The Conservatives
The Conservatives feel that the current system is transparent, open and retains a direct link between an MP and his constituency duck house. The current system, whereby MPs can be elected with only 35% of the vote, supports a party so dismally nasty that they couldn’t win an outright majority over a Labour Party led by a man that had spent the previous 18 months being called 'wanker' by newspapers, CBeebies TV shows and his own mum.

Labour
Ed Milliband has, apparently, said that he will support a ‘Yes’ campaign. At least that was what Geoff said he thought he heard and he was closest to the toilet door. In the 80s the Labour Party was considered to be unelectable under first-past-the-post system, until Tony Blair turned the TUC wall map around and pointed out where communist Russia actually was. After that it took 6 wars, two economic crisis, 14 affairs, foot-and-mouth, foot-in-mouth and a game of croquet to finally get John Prescott to free up some time to go on Top Gear.

The Liberal Democrats
LibDem leader ‘Colonel’ Nick Clegg is in favour of AV – Aston Villa which is David Cameron’s favourite football team. As the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is one of the leading experts on unfair electoral systems but he is a passionate supporter of Nick Clegg being deputy Prime Minister. It is not just on the subject of AV that Nick Clegg has been described as a “miserable little compromise”.

SNP
The Scottish Nationalists are not actually in favour of AV as such, what with it being proposed by an Englishman, instead they are in favour of a system known as STN – the Single Transferable Note. Under this system a huge credit note is forwarded from London to Edinburgh each year so the English can pay for the Scots to moan about how beastly they are being by subsidising every Scots children’s right to free prescriptions, education and Tennant’s Extra. The SNP has long complained that the first-past-the-post system leads to an unrepresentative government in Westminster – what with party leaders such as Tony Blair being born in Edinburgh, Sir Menzies Campbell, Charles Kennedy, Gordon Brown all being Scottish and even David Cameron having a bloody Scottish surname.

Plaid Cymru
The Welsh nationalists don’t want AV either, they are also keen on the STN system. However they are also upset that the vote will take place on the same day that the National Assembly of Wales election takes place and the winner of the Best Leak is chosen by Max Boyce.

Northern Ireland Parties
Don’t knee-cap me.

The Green Party
They don’t want AV either. Something about all that paper used in the ballot process. Instead they want a system where each voter typically gets two votes - one for an individual, and one for a party. The exact proportion of constituency representatives and list representatives is decided by a community council members in an eco-friendly commune meeting, where everyone wears hemp. And doesn’t wash. Apparently the Green Party of Scotland disagrees with that of England and, surprisingly, is more in favour of the Single Transferable Note system (see SNP).

UK Independence Party
UKIP sees the current first-past-the-post system as a “nightmare” because “no one votes for us”. They too are not in favour of AV because “no one will vote for us”. They prefer a system called ‘AV plus’ by which all candidates must have no idea of Britain’s geography or international trading partners. Under the AV plus system no one will vote for them either.

BNP
The BNP don’t want AV either. They see it as unfair that as voters rank their favourite candidates the traditional white ballot papers would have to incur such an increased level of black markings.

English Democrats
The English (not British) Democrats actually support the AV system – at fucking last - sadly there are only three of them and all four are batshit crazy.

Christian Peoples Alliance
They may be irrational but that doesn’t stop them having a coherent policy. As their leader says himself under the current system "the same party wins every time”. Apart from 1802. And 1806. Oh and 1830. Whoops don’t forget about 1835 and 1841. And 1847. Or 1852, Yes, the same winner every time. No wait there was 1857, 1874, 1880, 1885, 1895, 1906, 1922, 1923, 1924, 1929, 1935, 1945, 1951, 1964, 1970, 1974, 1979, 1997 and finally 2010 when we all lost. And anyway, if you local area is shit, it's because God wanted it that way.

Respect
No, they feel that AV is not representative enough either and that democracy is being let down by the state. Is it ‘cos the voting pencil is black?

Jury Team
The Jury Team is definitely in support of limiting government borrowing to 10% of expenditure on a time machine to take them all back to the 1950s. They aren’t in favour of AV (that would be mad, look at this list for who is). No they are against the whole referendum! I don’t know why they are moaning anyway, 2011 is just like 1951. No one can afford a banana.

Communist Party
You’ll never guess - but they aren’t up for AV either. They are, however, in favour of a radically more representative voting system, whereby a few hundred people, motivated by their lust for power and a desire to avoid hard labour, rubber stamp the lunatic ravings of 6 debauched old men who are at the safe end of a loaded gun. Everyone else will be given a single, transferable potato. The lucky bastards.

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