Expert research over the past week has revealed that the current snow chaos sweeping the land can be overcome with some ground breaking new approaches such as “wearing some boots and a scarf” and “walking a bit more slowly and carefully”.
“I remember when I was a child we sometimes used to, how did you say it? ‘Go out in the snow’ – mad! But in the last few years whenever the early morning view from my window doesn’t look normal I just phone in to say I will work from home,” said snowplough driver Herbert Billingsworth.
The media was quick to cast blame and analyse the implications for Britain and what the impact of the snow has had on local and national services across the country.
“Apparently this snow is coming across from Eastern Europe,” screamed an editorial in the Daily Express. “We want to know why it was allowed into the country and who is protecting the interests of pure white indigenous British snow?”
The government responded to the criticism by highlighting the efforts it is taking to ensure that roads, schools and public services are available during the cold snap.
“We are radically re-thinking ways to ensure that schools stay open when there is a snowflake nearby,” said a government statement. “From 2011 all new schools will be built adjacent to shopping centres, since teachers and children alike manage to get to them when the schools are closed.”
The Daily Express also noted that whilst you cannot use a finite window of several thousand years of weather data from ice-cores to prove that climate change is a real and present problem, you can use the fact it has snowed two consecutive days in January to prove that there is no such thing as “Global Warming”.
Meanwhile in other news the Association of 4x4 manufacturers have ordered an urgent investigation into the designs of the leading models.
“We have sold millions of four wheel drive vehicles and yet look at the roads,” said a spokesman. “We test them in the Arctic reaches of Norway and on the dunes of the Sahara, yet look at this flat bit of road near a school, not one has managed to get here.”
The roads were not the only problem with the railways, of course, being completely incapable of operating near the snowflake.
“Well to be honest we were caught out by the snowflake which was of the wrong kind,” said a spokesman for Eurostar. “We were expecting a type called 'White Dust' but apparently this stuff is a kind known by its scientific name of 'train-knobber'.”
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