Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Jesus Loves You - To Kill People With His Sniper Sights

American snipers today expressed gratitude that their endeavours to supply death at a great distance had been formerly sanctioned by Jesus Christ following news that their sniper scopes contained inscriptions of teachings from the Bible.

“It's one thing having all the training and experience to be able to kill someone from over a mile away,” said a US army sniper. “But it makes me feel proud to know that when I drop a rag-head or a hippy, Jesus is sitting on my shoulder and approving my target selection.”

The company, Jesus Loves War Machines, based in Scranton, Ohio in the USA, has been supplying the so-called “Jesus sights” and other equipment to the US military for decades and is proud to run its business upon Biblical principles.

“Jesus loves everybody, apart from the people that aren't Americans obviously, at which point they will inevitably need to be killed,” said company spokesman Kirk Billingsworthski the Third. “When that happens we want them killed according to His teaching, not in some heathen or godless manner.”

The company's product range includes the Christ Almighty Assault Scopes which boast “a compact low recoil optic ideally suited to delivering God's love in close combat situations” and the long range sniper scope Divine Retribution 300XL that “combines high specification zoom optics with a high intensity edge detection overlay to give you a range of over two kilometres to send the word of God from your trigger finger”.

The company said that it saw no reason why any of its products should not carry the word of God into battle, and denied that it was using the US government's military agencies to conduct its own Christian jihad.

“Messages such as 'Take Jesus into your heart' that is inscribed on the blade of our Calvary Cutter bayonet, or 'Burn in hell sinner' on the God is Love range of flame-throwers are important life affirming messages. For a few painful moments,” said Billingsworthski the Third. “As Jesus said – 'a man must look to everything in the land, and everything in the sky, and everything in the sea, and use it to construct the most efficient mechanism to deliver mechanisedl death for political ends'.”

1 comment:

Frederick Guyton said...

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