Friday, April 20, 2007

Archivists discover “Handbook for Women”

Today researchers revealed the discovery of a text that was believed to have been lost to man. It is a rare modern copy of the fabled ‘Handbook for Women’.

"This book is one of the founding texts of our civilisation," explained Dr Bill Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre of Pantheonic Studies. "It can trace its origin back to the time of Cleopatra and is a text as powerful and complicated as it is controversial. It is no surprise to find the modern version has a ‘for dummies’ edition.

The book, which is given to all girls upon reaching puberty, is said to be the most divisive work of literature in existence. It is a handbook detailing how to behave as a ‘normal‘ human female. Of epic proportions, at some 7665 pages, its discovery may finally provide scholars with insight into behaviour that has long been thought to be completely irrational, if not borderline insane.

"Without doubt, this book has caused more sadness and anger than Chairman Mao’s ’Little Red Book’ or ‘The Origin of the Family, Private Property, and the State’ by Friedrich Engels," commented Billingsworth, emphasising the importance of the research being undertaken.
"Getting hold of this may well be the Rosetta Stone of gender relations. If we can decipher it then ordinary men will at last be able to predict the seeming random effects that their actions have," he said.

Research is, however, proceeding slowly at the Sidcup Centre, a specialist in the study of ancient documents.

"The behavioural science community has been struggling a bit," lamented Dr. Billingsworth. "The version of the text we have discovered is written in reasonably straightforward English, although the sense and meaning of the central themes appears to change with every page. Frankly, it’s rather difficult to understand."

What little progress has been made in getting to grips with the work has revealed sections on behaviour, sex, and money.

"It contains powerful formulae and relational diagrams that we are only just beginning to grasp. The chapter on use of the words of ‘No’ and ‘Maybe’ runs to 238 pages, 43 pages of which are covered by a single flowchart. Still at least it contains pictures. The chapters on Economics are an almost impenetrable mass of conflicting thoughts and theories as to the value of material goods. It makes ‘Das Kapital’ seem accessible. Unlike Marx, however, this ‘Female Handbook’ seems to be devoid of logic and mathematical rigour, pays scant regard to the means of production and instead focuses on acquisition."

It is believed that the bizarre logic around material acquisition can be understood through empirical behavioural observation of the concept of ‘Sales’.

The companion text ‘Being a bloke’ has also been uncovered but was found to be easily understood by both expert and laymen alike. It is distributed in the form of a Beer Mat printed with the bullet points ’Women, Beer, Football, Food’ written in large, friendly letters.

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