Archbishop Urges Learning A 400 Year Old Reboot Of An Iron Age Story And Then Prostitute Daughters To Pay Off Credit Cards

The Archbishop of Canterbury has urged the people of Britain to rediscover the original “story of the universe” as told in the King James Bible in their bid to understand their place in society. This, he says, will enable them to put their own lives into a wider perspective and to apply some old solutions to modern day problems.

“You may feel there's only one big story and that's about money and whether I have got a job tomorrow and whether my children can afford higher education,” explained the Archbishop. “But it is easy enough to send your sons to university, simply read Exodus 21:7 and sell your daughter into slavery to pay the tuition fees.”

The archbishop said that the bible provides other tools for helping families struggling with the harsh economic and employment times.

“Many people are struggling to pay their debts, and they are faced with banks and bailiffs attempting eviction or to remove their property,” explained the Archbishop. “Whilst the exact ratio of forced sex to repayment is a matter of some ecclesiastical debate, Genesis 19:8 provides a clear solution to the man with at least two daughters. Simply let the debt collectors rape them.”

The archbishop said that there are other areas in which the church and the Bible should be taken seriously as it is as relevant today as it was when man was slowly mastering iron as a tool and believed that the Earth was the centre of the universe.

“The government is wrestling with its spending commitments but once again the Bible can provide guidance, such as all that expense that the NHS incurs with childbirth.” said Dr Rowan Williams. “For example the NHS budget can be easily reduced by following Genesis 3:16 and prohibiting women from any pain relief during childbirth. They are unclean then anyway as the clear medical guidance of Leviticus 15:22 explains. So they probably should not have expensive doctors touching them either.”

In other budgetary matters the Archbishop said that the welfare cutbacks proposed by the coalition government were also in line with God’s teaching.

“I don’t think cutting Child Benefit and so on is going far enough, children, like all men should be put to work,” said Dr Williams. “After all does 2 Thessalonians 3:10 not say that he who shall not work shall not eat? Although I am working, of course I am, now did you know the Church can claim Gift Aid for this advice?”

Dr Williams said that leaving economics aside, the Bible was incredibly relevant to today’s modern societal and family structures.

“The story of the messiah gives us great insight into a family that may have broken up, or one with a parent keen to push a child forward in our celebrity obsessed culture,” said Dr Williams. “After all his absent father only finally acknowledged Jesus as his son once he was famous.”