The world's largest mobile phone company today announced a new tariff in the white-hot competition for subscriber minutes.
"We have analysed the hundreds of millions of calls made through our network each day and we realise that what our customers really want is a tariff suited to their calling patterns," explained Darren Billingsworth, senior marketing executive at the mobile phone giant.
The new call plan, known as "Call Moaning" will allow unlimited downbeat conversations for a fixed monthly fee. Computers will analyse the tone of the conversation and the caller will only be charged if it is in anyway uplifting or light-hearted.
"Most mobile phone conversations are based around the bus being late, it being raining or a word by word account of what Chanelle told Sharon that Billy had said about her," said Billingsworth. "These are important facets of life that we in the communication biosphere feel need to shared."
Rival mobile phone firms said that whilst they were not in a position to offer sophisticated voice analysis they would be launching competing tariffs. Orange have said that callers can bundle a group of free calls into their talk-time which will be activated by detection of key phrases, such as "I am on the train." or "Oh my God, shut up."
"It is important that everyday detritus is allowed to fill the world of the commuter else they may feel cut off from the knowledge that most other people lead drab and boring lives too," said Billingsworth. "We want to encourage this shared morose as schadenfreude makes us all feel better."
Vodafone said this was just another example of how the connected world was enriching our lives by ensuring that none of the minutia of everyday life goes forgotten or unsaid.
"It is difficult to imagine how we used to live, but it wasn't that long ago that you used to get onto a train and worry only that someone next to you might fall asleep and loll onto your shoulder," said Darren. "Now with 'Call Moaning', you can listen in as someone angrily breaks up with her boyfriend over some triviality and rest assured that she will not run out of credit and can fill the entire journey with a series of tearful and repetitive phone calls to her girlfriends."
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