Top team debuts first new signing

Today at its Docklands headquarters Barclays, the UK’s third largest bank, debuted its new signing in a mortgage department planning meeting. John Varley, Barclays Chief Executive Officer, had previously presented the Portuguese wonder-kid, Marcel Billingo, to the press in a small ceremony where he handed Billingo his security pass and laptop.

“Barclays has always planned to be a global player and to compete in Europe. The signing of Marcel proves our commitment to getting the best talent into the right positions forging a world class team,” said Mr. Varley.

Billingo, 23, is a rising talent having been signed by Barclays as a graduate of the academy of the London School of Economics. Following a learning year in the lower league of the Nationwide Building Society, the youngster was snapped up on a £580 a week contract.

Billingo made an immediate impression in the planning meeting from the kick-off. “I have always wanted to play in the premier league of finance and for such a great team as Barclays,” he announced as he introduced himself, before kissing the logo on his Barclays tie. He took up a central position next to the tea trolley, a position he said he hopes to be able to compete for and win on a regular basis.

Pundits have speculated that he has the capability to grow into a Middle-Manager enforcer, marking the opposition tightly with granular trend and performance analysis across the entire field. The consensus is that he Excels with a continually high worksheet rate. However, his inexperience showed towards the end of his first full 90 minute meeting amid accusations of time wasting after he took the conversation down to the corner of the “car park whiteboard” in what was clearly not a “solutions meeting”.

His dream start finally ended in acrimony when, after playing a spectacular one-two pivot table feeding directly into open workspace, his figures were challenged by the imposing presence of the Central Risk Manager. Billingo fell to the floor clutching his head which brought derision from the travelling audience.