Thursday, April 07, 2011

Britain Apologises For The State Of The World: “Yeah, sorry about all the jet travel, computers, health and education we gave you.”

Britain today accepted that it should “Just piss off” and leave the rest of Earth’s inhabitants to enjoy the benefits of a Britain-free existence.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about it and yeah, the current world is all our fault, we've contributed nothing,” said Britain last night as it packed its bags. “Without Britain the world would be a very different place and we can only assume better.”

Britain has faced criticism for decades, with it's national identity turning to an alcohol fuelled paranoia.

“Oh, that Whiskey is good stuff, British invention you know. Yeah, we've done nothing of value, apart from the World Wide Web of course, or the electronic computer, or even the mechanical one for that matter. Nothing, that's what, we've done, nothing,” said Britain via a telephone interview. “Or the telephone, that was one of my mob that invented that.”

Britain said that when you look at the state of the modern world it was forced to admit it really is all its fault, from the current political make-up to our understanding of global geography.

“Oh, yeah, Whiskey, I mean people come over here – which is something they wouldn’t have been able to do if we hadn’t sorted out Longitude of course or jet travel - and tell us how crap we are,” said Britain. “Mind you they like to stay here for years while they do it. Odd that.

“However I want to issue this apology, on behalf of every Briton that has ever existed,” said the former dominant super power. “We are sorry we sacrificed everything to preserve freedom and the rule of democratic civil law – something we essentially invented – twice..

“Yeah, and America right, we are terribly sorry that we gave you a sound capitalist foundation, the principles of English common-law and an industrialised society to start you out. We were unthinking bastards. We should have just given you the mammoths and rocks we started out with and you would have been happier I am sure. And we really, genuinely, are sorry that we are so inconsiderate to want to point out that we had something to do with winning World War II. We really are bastards by supplying over half the troops for the D-Day landings and all the naval forces, which so gets in the way of you appropriating our history. We gave you the british invention of the jet engine for nothing, and then we get upset when you betray us during the Suez crisis. Yep, nothing good has come of us, nothing.”

Britain refused to deny rumours that it was looking to set up a new home on Mars and would not divulge a forwarding address for begging letters from bankrupt European nations.

“No, you are all better off without us, aren't you. All you ever wanted from the last thousand years was to happily blunder around the in dark and praying that the sun god would rise again in the morning, or that a carpenter from 2000 years ago created everything in his previous job as a mythical being,” slurred the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. “And we just spoiled it with electricity, Joseph Swan’s light bulbs and that whole annoying science and evolution stuff. And contract law to facilitate global trade. And vaccines. Yeah, apart from that, what have the Britons ever done for us? Nothing.”

“I think Britain is getting a little over tired, and clearly a bit emotional,” said Spain at the annual 'Shit Britain' convention. “We know that Britain has a drink problem and I think they are becoming how you say, bad sports?”

“Sport? Hah! We invented them all! Football? Cricket? Golf? Baseball? Rugby? Even bloody table tennis!” screamed the frustrated island nation. “OK we are bad at those sports but we don’t moan when you bloody take all the international ruling bodies away from us and spell their titles backwards in French acronyms.

”And don’t let's get started on the French, some of the most fun we've ever had was bombing France whilst saving their collaborating-german-sausage-loving arses.

In other news, India has asked for global recognition for having founded modern mathematics by creating the zero.

“Exactly, zero,” slurred Britain as it lurched for the door. “They want credit for inventing nothing.”

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