Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Image obsessed old cow takes too much HRT

An old woman who fantasies about men in tights for a living reveals she is pretty upset about getting older and no one paying much attention to her for anything other than her mind.

“Plastic smile, that’s what she has. Thin, no wrinkles, lovely hair,” said Hilary Mantel. “She’s not like Diana – whatever that means. And there is no way that William could actually like her for herself. And God, her hair, why isn’t it made of straw like mine?”

The author was giving a dreary lecture at the London Review of Books on the subject of sex with Royalty and what the Royals wear when, realising that the men in the audience were only lusting after her intellectually, launched into an attack on the Duchess of Cambridge.

“She’s only there to look good in clothes, whereas what we all want is a princess wearing sweatpants stained with cider and maybe a few fag burns,” said Ms Mantel, who also has a sideline doing impressions of a startled Hillary Clinton. “And to give birth of course, after being shagged by a man. The lucky bitch.”

Ms Mantel’s lecture was a thoroughly researched, considered and deeply intellectual exercise in judging people solely by how they look or by how other people said that they look, having met few of the subjects herself.

“I’ve read a lot about the sex lives of Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, its interesting stuff,” she explained. “Fascinating. Strong powerful men taking what they want. Women powerless to resist. I am sixty 60 now, but I was young once. I could show you some photos of a younger me. I am sure you would have … “

Ms Mantel had to leave the lecture to retire to the fainting room and await a “strapping doctor to massage the hysteria away”.

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