One
time teenager and previous twenty-something year-old woman, Diane
Abbott, is to launch a revolution in sex education that will ensure
young people “stop wanting to look at people's bits”.
“For
too long now I have come to realise, like many people, that I am
getting too old for nakedness to be an everyday thing,” said the MP
for Principle on the Righteousness. “So, those younger people, well
they should all just stop doing it too.”
Ms
Abbott has become concerned with the availability of pornography on
the internet, something that has only become an issue in the last 15
or so years, when the teenagers of then have grown up into 30
somethings with families of their own.
“It's
obvious that today family values are centred around large inflatable
breasts, sex sessions that last at least an hour of continuous
pounding involving at least three people simultaneously,” said the
MP in her landmark speech. “The number of orifices in use has
spiralled too.”
The
campaign will focus on new and shocking teenage behaviour, such as
communicating raunchy messages to each other – something that was
never possible with speech, the land-line telephone or furtive
classroom notes.
There
will also be a nationwide campaign to get schoolchildren to be nice
to each other following the new craze sweeping the nation of calling
girls sluts if they are rumoured to have ever seen a real penis.
“15
years ago, before anyone had shown a booby or a thingy on the
internet, every school child was nice to one another,” said Ms
Abbott. “Since slut-shaming happens online then, clearly, it is the
computer that is at fault as no one ever called anyone a slut
previously. Apart from Susan Billingsworth during that one school
trip, who so definitely did touch that boy's thingy.”
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