Friday, March 17, 2017

Leaked Transcript of President Obama Spy Conversations

The Russian state news outlet, FoskiNews has obtained a transcript of conversations they claim reveal evidence of the spying conducted by former President Barack Obama.  The transcript is from the phone records within the White House:-

Transcript dated 4th July 2016

President Obama : Mary [White House switchboard assistant] can you please get me Quentin Billingsworth-Smythe at Government Communications Headquarters in the United Kingdom

Mary : Yes Mr President connecting you now - they are on line zero-zero-seven

GCHQ: Ahoy, this is Quentin Billingsworth-Smythe, certainly listening to this phone call, but not any others of course.

Obama : Hey Q, I believe there is a brown girl in the ring?

GCHQ : Indeed, and a brown boy in the oval?

Obama : Trying to shoot some hoops.

GCHQ : Ah, it is you Agent double-O-bama, how are you, how is it going in the rebel colony?

Obama : All good old chap, I could do with a favour though.

GCHQ : Of course, we have been very pleased with your efforts.

Obama : Well my deep cover is coming to an end, I only have 6 months left in this President role, I need to keep tabs on who takes over after me.

GCHQ : We are pretty comfortable here, we have good relations with the Clinton campaign going back to the, hopefully first, President Clinton.

Obama : I’m thinking about Trump.

GCHQ : Really?  He’s the comedy candidate isn’t he, a bit like our Screaming Lord Such?  He’s not got a chance, you’ve heard what he has been saying about all the taboo subjects, immigrants, women, disabled people, no fool would vote for him.

Obama : Since I’ve been in America I have learned there are many fools.

GCHQ : Really?  What help do you need from the mother country?

Obama : Well I was thinking of a bit of “wire tapping”.  Obviously not just listening to phones but a bit of general surveillance.

GCHQ : OK, well we can get you the listening devices dropped by drone to the usual place, you’ve still got your underwater car haven’t you?

Obama : Best way to beat the traffic on the I95

GCHQ : Yes, whatever that is.  Anything else?

Obama : I plan to abseil down the west face of Trump tower, can you supply a silent black helicopter.

GCHQ : As always.

Obama : And can I keep it for the weekend?  I plan to take Michelle to the Bulls' game afterwards.

GCHQ : Of course, we’ll take care of his CCTV for you, he’s running Windows 95.  We may as well hack his AOL account while we are at it. Anything else?

Obama : Well, next year after I leave office, I was thinking about where I am going to live.

GCHQ : You need some help finding a place back in Kenya?

Obama : Not yet, I need to let the dust settle before I go back.  No, I was wondering if you could help me renovate my old lair in Hawaii, I think some of the walkways around the volcano will need replacing, and the helipad needs to be resurfaced.  Also, the roof of the mosque needs work.  

GCHQ : Can’t you just move into our base in George Washington’s head in Mount Rushmore?

Obama : Rushmore? Oh Allah no.  I couldn’t move in there, the neighbours are awful.  Jimmy Carter is always firing off his death rays from Lincoln’s eyes.

Transcript ends.

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