Friday, March 17, 2017

Leaked Transcript of President Obama Spy Conversations

The Russian state news outlet, FoskiNews has obtained a transcript of conversations they claim reveal evidence of the spying conducted by former President Barack Obama.  The transcript is from the phone records within the White House:-

Transcript dated 4th July 2016

President Obama : Mary [White House switchboard assistant] can you please get me Quentin Billingsworth-Smythe at Government Communications Headquarters in the United Kingdom

Mary : Yes Mr President connecting you now - they are on line zero-zero-seven

GCHQ: Ahoy, this is Quentin Billingsworth-Smythe, certainly listening to this phone call, but not any others of course.

Obama : Hey Q, I believe there is a brown girl in the ring?

GCHQ : Indeed, and a brown boy in the oval?

Obama : Trying to shoot some hoops.

GCHQ : Ah, it is you Agent double-O-bama, how are you, how is it going in the rebel colony?

Obama : All good old chap, I could do with a favour though.

GCHQ : Of course, we have been very pleased with your efforts.

Obama : Well my deep cover is coming to an end, I only have 6 months left in this President role, I need to keep tabs on who takes over after me.

GCHQ : We are pretty comfortable here, we have good relations with the Clinton campaign going back to the, hopefully first, President Clinton.

Obama : I’m thinking about Trump.

GCHQ : Really?  He’s the comedy candidate isn’t he, a bit like our Screaming Lord Such?  He’s not got a chance, you’ve heard what he has been saying about all the taboo subjects, immigrants, women, disabled people, no fool would vote for him.

Obama : Since I’ve been in America I have learned there are many fools.

GCHQ : Really?  What help do you need from the mother country?

Obama : Well I was thinking of a bit of “wire tapping”.  Obviously not just listening to phones but a bit of general surveillance.

GCHQ : OK, well we can get you the listening devices dropped by drone to the usual place, you’ve still got your underwater car haven’t you?

Obama : Best way to beat the traffic on the I95

GCHQ : Yes, whatever that is.  Anything else?

Obama : I plan to abseil down the west face of Trump tower, can you supply a silent black helicopter.

GCHQ : As always.

Obama : And can I keep it for the weekend?  I plan to take Michelle to the Bulls' game afterwards.

GCHQ : Of course, we’ll take care of his CCTV for you, he’s running Windows 95.  We may as well hack his AOL account while we are at it. Anything else?

Obama : Well, next year after I leave office, I was thinking about where I am going to live.

GCHQ : You need some help finding a place back in Kenya?

Obama : Not yet, I need to let the dust settle before I go back.  No, I was wondering if you could help me renovate my old lair in Hawaii, I think some of the walkways around the volcano will need replacing, and the helipad needs to be resurfaced.  Also, the roof of the mosque needs work.  

GCHQ : Can’t you just move into our base in George Washington’s head in Mount Rushmore?

Obama : Rushmore? Oh Allah no.  I couldn’t move in there, the neighbours are awful.  Jimmy Carter is always firing off his death rays from Lincoln’s eyes.

Transcript ends.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Unpleasant, self-serving people revealed to be self-serving and unpleasant.

After months of campaigning, where each side accused each other of spreading fear, the UK EU referendum produced a surprise result, that the side which was promoting hatred and division, blaming ills on minorities in society along with obviously misleading statistics has been revealed to be composed of unpleasant people purely out for their own ends.

“This has been a complete shock to me, I never expected people who were transparently only in it for their own careers to be self-serving,” said one disillusioned Briton. “And, the guys blaming everything on the immigrants it turns out they are quite unpleasant people.”

One of the leading self-servers, Boris Johnson, defended his behaviour during the campaign, whilst making a speech to ensure everyone understood he could be a bit prime ministerial.
“Look, gosh, no I won’t say that, let me start again. And notice the low, deliberate tone of my speech, very much like Churchill. So, let’s start again,” he said wondering whether or not to grasp his lapels. “Now, it not a time for recrimination. I have campaigned all along to make sure that I will be Prime Minister, erm that Britain should leave the EU. Despite being pretty consistent that there was no need for a referendum, and that leaving the EU would cause uncertainty in business, tying up the government for years and not solve any of the country’s problems, I realised that staying in would not solve my problem, of being able to stick on one Gideon Osbourne and thus become PM. Cripes, I mean, Oh yes.”

Another unpleasant man backed Mr Johnson stating that the EU referendum was about more than mere facts, or a desire to improve things.

“No, now let’s be clear, I was a key part of one of a government that has cut more from services that the poorest people depend on, at no point was I ever going to invest more money in the NHS, even now that I can return to the cabinet since I am on the winning Leave side.” said Ian Duncan Smith from his underground lair. “So to be clear, if we don’t give £350m per week to the EU, which we don’t, then we can spend that on the NHS, which we won’t. I can’t be clearer than that, I never said we would spend £350m per week on the NHS. So, there, let’s get on with spending £350m per week on the NHS. Which we won’t.”

One of the other key unpleasant men has also achieved his own personal aims which involved a desire to experience time travel.

“Whether it be education, or justice, in whatever role I had in government, my solution to every problem has been to simply try to do what we used to do many years ago,” said the former, current actor. “And I want to go further. When everyone pointed out that my solution to improving GCSE standards was simply to introduce O-Levels, I went further, and suggested that parents teach the classes, just like they probably did in the middle ages. I don’t know O-level history was very hard when I was at school,” said Gove as he was being stroked by Ian Duncan Smith. “Oh, that’s lovely. And, further now I get to turn back clock to when I was born, and Britain wasn’t in the EU. With luck we can recreate having to go to the IMF for a loan.”

However it would be unfair to say that the Leave campaign was only composed of unpleasant men. There are unpleasant women too.

“I think it’s ridiculous that people think I am ridiculous for saying that it’s not the Leave campaign that should have a plan for leaving the EU, clearly we can leave that to the Prime Minster who campaigned to stay,” said Julia Hartley-Brewer an MP and someone who makes the law of the land, no seriously. “I am just here to make noise, not to actually do anything. So you can’t hold me responsible for carrying out the things I have said should be done. That is man’s work. I think. I’ll obviously have to ask Boris to make sure.”

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

EU referendum campaigners warn of more attacks by Godzilla

As the country nears the crucial EU referendum more and more detail is being revealed about the impacts and perils of leaving, or remaining part of, the European Union.  With just a few weeks to go, the arguments are increasingly becoming technical, sifting carefully through mountains of economic and social data to tease quanta of vital information and illuminate of the intricacies of a decision that will affect all, or no one, in our everyday lives.

“It’s absolutely clear that if Britain leaves the EU then we expose ourselves to increased risk of foreign invasion, specifically from the Orient, from the East, from that giant of Asia,” explained David Cameron.  “I refer of course to Godzilla, and how Britain would once again have to fight as it’s cities are crushed under radioactive, reptilian feet.”
However the Brexit camp was quick to move to counter what they said was unwarranted, scaremongering based purely on hyperbole.

“Nonsense, Britain would not be alone! Golly of course not, Britain is head of the Commonwealth, a group of 53 countries, 2 billion people,” explained Boris Johnson.  “And, let us be sure, the home of King Kong who we could surely enlist in this titanic struggle.”

Campaigners have been quick to seize on the subtle details of EU treaties, intentional trade deals and political manifestos in a bid to bring clarity and understanding to the people of the UK faced with making a difficult choice in such a technical subject as the benefits, or otherwise, of continued EU membership.

“Indeed, not only has Boris so eloquently described how Britain and the commonwealth are exceptionally unique in having such an abundance of 60 foot tall prehistoric apes. Indeed it is to the seas that this great trading nation of ours should look and form new alliances,” explained Nigel Farage. “Outwards to the global Commonwealth and to the riches of the Pacific, where we are sure to be able to form a trade deal with the Kaiju.”

This EU exit strategy has been attacked from many sides, principally the assumption that leaving the EU would cause the immediate cessation of trade with the continent and indeed that said trade can be just as instantly be replaced with that with other sources.

“An alliance of this sort would be worrying indeed.  We would obviously then be limited in our access to Jaeger technology, that way lies isolationism, totalitarianism,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Britain might well be driven into the arms of the Decepticons as a counterbalance.”

“All this talk of any alliance in the Pacific is of course complete and utter nonsense, and a conspiracy of the highest order,” blasted George Galloway. “Everyone knows the Pacific Ocean is a hoax perpetrated by Zionists.”

One former politician has come out of seclusion to weigh in on the current situation in British politics, feeling that only now can he finally be clear about where he stands on the crucial debate.

“Look, whether it be Conservative, or Labour, nationalist or socialist, please stop trying to quote me and drag me into your debates,” complained Adolf Hitler from his bunker in the Canary Islands. “My reputation has suffered enough over the years without being linked to Boris Johnson or Ken Livingston.”

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Retro Game Review - Hoovering “not got that one more go feeling”

Surreal Scoop’s resident game reviewer, Nathan Billingsworth has recently left home and takes the opportunity that setting up a new place affords him for a spot of retro gaming.

“I recently moved into a flat of my own and it’s taken a bit of time for the broadband internet to get sorted,” said Billingsworth.  “Being offline does not mean that I cannot game, in fact it gave me the opportunity to investigate some retro-games.  Are these games from the past worth a look now?

“I tried out a spot of Hoovering.  It is a very old game I’ve never previously considered , but something my mum has been playing for years.  In addition it is something that has no online requirements at all.  Although there is a specific hardware requirement of a Vacuum Cleaner, although this is a standalone device.

“The controls are reasonably easy to master.  Basically you push a button to start and the same to finish.  So far so good.

“I found that the whole rendering of the flat was very immersive and fairly realistic.  I certainly had that feeling of being there.  In fact at times it felt almost too real and the particle effects of the dust clouds from under the sofa were so convincing that I found myself almost ready to sneeze.”

“This was one area that definitely let the game down - the sound was a bit of a monotonous whine, mostly.  There was some music but it was mostly drowned out by the whine that persisted throughout the game.  The audio balance could have been better so as to bring the music to the foreground.  Based on this I would recommend the use of headphones when playing Hoovering for any length of time.”

All in all I’d say this isn’t too bad.  I am not sure I see in the game the kind of longevity that my mum has got out of it, She must have played it thousands of times, although I am told there are different rooms each with their own challenges, and the boss level of Stairs is quite difficult to master.  I found a bonus level called “bathroom” that I hadn’t expected in the game, and there was a checkpoint issue when a glitch with the dust bag upgrade made me have to restart in the bedroom, which was very annoying.  

OK, I suppose, to while away a few minutes at a time.  It’s the kind of thing you might come back to  for a nostalgia fix once a year or so, but definitely doesn’t ooze that “just one more go” feeling.  I think even my mum has got bored of it and has turned to speed-running hoovering.  She does tell me that I should also consider some further games in the same series such as “Laundry” but I think I’ll leave that to her.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Apple insists “error 53 vital for nation’s security”

The internet is awash with complaints from iPhone users who have had their phone repaired by a local, non-Apple phone shop, and therefore not repaired by a genius in a polo-shirt, to find that the phones refuse to operate - displaying messages such as “error 53”. Apple has released a press statement insisting that the iPhone’s constant checks for component integrity are important to maintain the device’s security, especially for use by secret agents.

“Imagine you were in the Presidential Suite of a five-star hotel in Bangkok and just about to have sex with the stunning Russian woman you met a couple of hours ago in a burning warehouse,” asked Heidi Billingsworth, senior product evangelist at Apple.  “After the passion, you want to know that you can drift off into sleep, not having to worry about those four men that chased your rickshaw in a hail of gunfire.

“With the iPhone constantly checking the integrity of it’s components, you know that the data on the ‘phone is secure, and can disregard that you only managed three confirmed kills in the shoot-out,” Ms Billingsworth added. “You’ll be busy enough when you wake up next to a corpse anyway”

However security experts dismiss the claims, and MI6 itself has released a statement saying that it’s security approach is independent of any design features of Apple devices.

“Well, the thing is there have been a lot of budget cuts, so we don’t use Apple kit now,” said a source that did not wish to be named. “In fact we get all our stuff from a nice Chinese man who runs a stall down at Dartford market.  It’s been a great saving over the years, especially as the Chinese government has been very helpful in supplying backup copies of our documents when we do have IT problems.”

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Face of Jesus Found in Belgian bun

Jesus fans were today queuing up to see the latest image of their idol that has been discovered in the icing on a Belgian Bun purchased from a bakery in Chatham, Kent.
“It's been bedlam here since I tweeted the picture of Our Lord,” said Ben Billingsworth, a believer from Chatham. “I couldn't believe it when I opened the pack of two buns and found the holy visage staring back at me. It's uncanny”. 
Mr Billingsworth has had to hire the local scout hall such is the demand from people to see the bun with people coming from all over the country to queue for up to 7 hours to have a chance of seeing, and taking a selfie with their Saviour.
“Obviously it's an important moment in human history, and I want to bring Christians together at this time. But for those that can't be here I have a range of commemorative holy relics on my website,” said Mr Billingsworth. “There is a very affordable mousemat.”
Skeptics argue that the image may just be coincidence, a fortunate positioning of raisins around the central cherry “nose” or perhaps just a trick of the eye caused my light and shadow playing on the icing.
Others go further and assert that neither the manner of creation of the, nor the lighting conditions in which it is viewed can in anyway cause it to be a representation of Jesus Christ.
“It's clearly an image of Elvis,” said comedian Ricky Gervais.

We've been here before